This article could have just as easily read:

Proving once again his tenuous understanding of even the most basic tasks associated with parenting, Michael Lohan is holding a press conference in reaction to his daughters breakdown.

 An independent study conducted by the University of London revealed that of all the possible reactions to the ongoing emotional and mental degeneration of your child, “holding a press conference” did not even place in the top 100. 

Number one was “hugging your child”.

In an effort to claim the mantel of “humanities worst parent” from the Balloon Boy’s father, Michael Lohan has also had the following inappropriate reaction to Lindsay’s other problems.

• When she was 6 and had a nightmare about camels, he called her agent and booked her on Circus of the Stars
• During a crying fit after losing three straight roles to Mandy Moore, he reallocated a portion of her 401K to Mutual Funds
• After hitting her head during a cocaine binge, he issued a statement through his lawyer stating he would not seek an injunction against Popeye’s chicken
• When tearfully approaching him at home saying “God sakes help me please help me please be my father” he filmed the incident and sold it to Entertainment Tonight.

Well, we’re done the move and I just spent my first day in Riverdale.  I’m still pretty bummed to leave Toronto, all my friends were there and I hated leaving.  I tried to tell my Dad any of this but he just started in a again about how this was a wonderful opportunity and blah blah blah.  I can’t even find Riverdale on a map.  Tomorrow is my first day at school, I’m not really looking forward to it.  I’ve barely seen any kids since I’ve been here, I don’t know where they would all be.  This place sucks.

Feb 23

This place is fucked up.  So I had my first day at school today and get this – my teacher’s name is Mrs. Grundy.   What the fuck kind of name is that?  She introduced me to the class but halfway through some red haired kid came flying in with a fucking german shepherd behind him while some monstrously obese man yelled at him.  I was honestly kind of freaked out but the whole class barely reacted.  The red haired kid took this crazy fucking spill over the desk and I could have sworn I heard his spine break but I guess he was fine.  The huge fat guy (apparently our principle) just said “See you in Detention, Andrews”.  I still have no fucking clue how the dog fit in or really what happened.

I tried to make some friends later – there was a cute girl named Betty in my class and I tried to joke with her – “Mrs. Grundy” I said after class “More like Mrs. Cunty!”  I was referring to the homework she gave us.  Betty just looked at me and said that I shouldn’t say mean things about people. 

wtf

Feb 24

 Oh man, that Andrews again.  We were in science (with Prof. Flutesnoot no less.  Honestly, this town is 10 types of fucked) doing an experiment and we were working with hydrated piric acid.  Anyway that numb fuck starts mixing in some normally stable perchlorate but he heated them first!  Needless to say the resulting explosion took out half the wall.  So a couple things.

1. Why the fuck do grade 11 students have unsupervised access to explosive materials at this school?  In Canada, we were allowed to mix baking soda with coke.
2. One girl in the class was horribly burned but as far as I can tell there’s going to be no investigation or criminal proceedings. That fat fuck Weatherbee (THE FUCK IS WITH THESE NAMES?) just said Andrews had more detention. For blowing up a wall. And potentially killing a student. Honestly, how is that not practically a terrorist act?

I tried to make a joke to Betty – “Man, that Andrews kid is a fucktard” I said, but she just said that “Ronnie” (don’t know what that is) got asked to the dance and burst into tears.

Aside – I’m not 100% positive but I think there’s a dance every weekend.

Hate this place.

Feb 25
I went to this place after school called “The Chocolate Shoppe” which I guess is where all the kids hang out. All they did eat hamburgers and again that shithead Andrews was there and he broke a couple of glasses before falling off a stool. I think maybe he’s an alcoholic because what else can explain his behaviour? I guess that’s kind of cool.

This guy Jugwhore was there, remorselessly eating what seemed to be 15 hamburgers. It was kind of disgusting. He’d power through 3 and then go to the bathroom and I’m almost positive he was throwing up. Whatever I guess.

I talked to Betty some more to see if anything exciting ever happens here. She said last week Bruce Sprungstone came to town. I don’t know who that is and I told her so. She just rattled off a list of random names – Tina Torner, Tom Cruisemore, Bratt Pidd. I.. I think she might be simple. I asked her if I could text her and she didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked if I could friend her on Facebook but then she asked if “Ronnie” (I think that’s a person) put me up to this and ran off.

As we were talking, Andrews fell through a plate glass window, again with no reaction. I think his father must be the mayor or something.

Mar 1
So get this. Apparently in addition to being a moron, Andrews is some kind of boy detective or something. These dudes stole a Panda from the local zoo – which is fucked because as far as I can tell, Riverdale is an average sized town of like 50,000 people so I have no idea why they have a zoo, nor how they managed to score an endangered species for an exhibit. Whatever.

Anyhow, they stole the panda and Andrews and his buddy Jarhead somehow foiled the crooks (that’s honestly the word the local paper used – Panda thieves foiled) and rescued something and the city was all over how awesome that was and then during the parade in his honor (??) he somehow released the brakes on one of the floats and killed 4 people.

KILLED FOUR PEOPLE.

I’ve started to talk to my Dad about moving back, job or no job because this place is crazy.  When I bumped into Betty I said “Archie Andrews is a clumsy fucking menace and if he so much as looks crosseyed at me I’m going to fucking kick his balls so hard they explode out of the back of his goddamn pants”.  She burst into tears and later that day the principal gave me detention. 

Fuck this place.

Mar 19
Sorry for not writing in awhile, I just got out of the hospital. Long story short, I was lost at school, so I asked this girl Midge for directions. Next thing I know this huge behemoth of a guy comes up behind me and says “You’re talking to my girl!” Before I can say anything, he starts whaling on me. He finally stopped, but I was already unconscious. He broke my jaw, three of my ribs, gave me a black eye and a mid to severe concussion. I didn’t come to for about 36 hours. The doctors say I’ll never fully recover vision in one eye and I have these crazy headaches.

Anyway, I’m pressing charges, my Dad is pretty supportive but he doesn’t think it’s going to go anywhere. I guess this Moose fuck is some football star and the entire town just kind of looks the other way at his rampant violent abuses both against other people and his girlfriend.

This town licks balls.

Today’s topic – feeding your child.

Feeding can be one of the most stressful experiences for a parent, especially in light of the fact that regardless of what you’re doing, you’re almost certainly doing it wrong.

Despite evolving throughout millions of years with no standardized guidelines around childhood feeding, many parents feel (quite correctly) that they are unable to care for their child and are killing them with food.  At Paranoid Parent ™ we offer simple tips.  As always, just remember that if you do so much as one goddamn thing wrong your child will either die, grow up to be a murderer, or seek a philosophy degree.

Top 10 tips for healthly childhood eating

1.  Your child must eat a perfect ratio of protein to vegetables to carbohydrates in order to have a “growing” day.  If you do not perfect this ratio, the “growing day” is lost forever.  This is why it’s a well-known fact that midgets have bad parents.

2.  Follow this simple rule of thumb – Always Eat Dinner Except If You’re Not Hungry But Never Before Bed Unless You Should or AEDEIYNHBNBBUYS

3. Most proteins are good for you except the ones that are not, and science has yet to determine an effective means of determining the difference between the two.  Try burning your food over a bush fire using elm branches as the base.  If the smoke turns slightly red for two non-consecutive seconds, then there’s a 40% chance the protein is bad

4.  Never cut raw chicken on any surface that will ever be used again – if you must cut raw chicken, sell your entire fucking house afterwards.

5.  Potatoes are quick and easy source of nutrit- oh wait.  What?  We’re off carbs now?  Okay, check.

6.  Potatoes are instant death to a child under 5.

7.  Your child’s future is determined by how smugly you are able to announce to other parents that your precious kid “just loves” vegetables.

8.  Your kids can’t have any chips as it’s not part of a healthy diet and any salty junk foods should be avoided.  Oh don’t worry, this doesn’t apply to you, Hamsack.  You just eat allllll the chips you want.

9.  Avoid feeding your children the same foods day after day even if they like them and they’re healthy.  Can’t… can’t really think of a rationalization for this one outside of just being a huge dick

10.  Avoid common sense as there has been no link established between just thinking for two fucking seconds vs. reading random crap you find on the internet from strangers with no published credentials

(I wake up for work, have a shower and get in my car. On the way, I notice I need gas, so I stop. I get out, fill up the car and go inside to pay)

Me: Here, $35

Gas Attendant: Is that really all you have to offer?

Me: What?

Gas Attendant: You resist the things you can’t change. Yet you look to the future.

Me: Umm… I was pump five? (points)

Gas Attendant: If I were to take your money, would you be satisfied?

Me: I have money. Take it. Here. (long pause) It’s for gas.

Gas Attendant: Would you like a car wash with that?

(Later that day, I am booked for a meeting with the subject line “Talk”. I walk over to Dave’s desk as he booked the meeting)

Me: Hey, that meeting you booked me for, what’s it about?

Dave: We need to have a discussion with you.

Me: Check.  But what about?  Because I have these reports I really need to get out, so -

Dave: I need you to do this for me.

Me: Right, but do what?

Dave: This.

Me: What is this?

Dave: (unnecessarily mysterious) It’s a document.

Me: I can see it’s a document, that doesn’t answer anything.  What is it.

Dave: It’s the very hope for the future (music swells in the background)

Me: What the fuck? Why can I hear music? What does that even mean?

Dave: All can be contained within.

Me: Jesus Dave.   It’s every day with you isn’t it.  How were you even hired?

Dave: The same way you were.

Me: What, Khattar from HR?  He hired you?

Dave: You know exactly what I mean.

Me: No I fucking don’t.
(For some reason Dave walks away as if that would be the end of the conversation. I swear under my breath)

(Later that day, I call my wife )
Me: Yeah, I’m going to the grocery store after work to get the stuff on your list

Brady: It is important.

Me: Right, but I can’t read your handwriting.  What’s the list say?

Brady: It says… that we must make dinner.

Me: No.  No, I don’t need to know the thematic summation of the list, I get that.  I inherently get that.  I need to know, literally, what the list says.

Brady: It says dinner is in danger.

Me: What does that mean.  WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN??  WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THIS TODAY?

Brady: We all have choices.

(I smash the phone into a million pieces)

(After work I go to see my doctor about my heartburn)

Me: I have heartburn

Dr: Take this.

Me: What is it?

Dr: It will fix your heartburn

Me: Right.  What is it though?

Dr: You must trust.

Me: I mustn’t.  I mustn’t just trust.  That’s disingenuous and frighteningly disturbing if that’s the way you prescribe medicine to your patients.

Dr: Take it.  It must come from you.

Me: Damn it!  What’s in the pill??

Dr: Viagra.

Me: !!!  How does that cure heartburn? How are those things related? Why are you even my Doctor?

Dr: If you don’t take the pill, your heartburn will grow worse.

Me: How do you even know that?

Dr: The same thing happened…. to your sister!!!

Me: My sister has heartburn?  And you fixed that with Viagra?  I very much doubt that.  And isn’t this a violation of some kind of patient / client confi-

Dr: Time’s up!

Spencer finished putting the final touches on his dinner – a quick Coquilles Saint-Jaques where he substituted a romegano for the gruyere.  Although this particular dish was just shy of 6,500 calories, none of it showed on his masculine 6’2″ perfectly muscled frame.  He was currently wearing skin tight acid-washed jeans and a blue denim work shirt unbuttoned to the belt. He had on black Adidas running shoes and rayban sunglasses.

Susan was coming over shortly, so he quickly prepared a pitcher of vodka gimlets, using 40 ounces of liquor.  Although they would likely finish the entire thing, neither would display any signs of drunkenness.  While he waited he drank four Red Rock beers.  Yum.

Outside his apartment where he lived on his own uncompromising terms, beholden to no one, he heard a commotion.  Strapping on his unlicensed Magnum to his broad back and then pausing to strap on a second and third handgun he rushed to the door, pausing again only to grab a quick fourth unlicensed handgun.

He opened the door

“What’s going on here?” he manfully demanded, quiet yet totally in control of the situation.  A young woman was being accosted by a street punk.  He was a huge street punk though, like massive and normal people would be scared of him.  But not Spencer.

“Hit the road gramps” toughened the punk, trying to tenderize Spencer verbally.  It was unsuccessful.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference”.  Spencer smiled .

“Wordsworth?” wondered the girl, in love already.

“Frost” smugged Spencer.  For despite being self-educated and living on his own uncompromising terms, Spencer was also smart and awesome.

“Okay gramps, I’m going to take you out now and we should fight”.  The huge, scary (not to Spencer) punk faced off.

He swung a lobbing overhand right at Spencer which he dodged easily.  Breathing in, Spencer then hit him 14 times in the face, and finished with an uppercut.  Normally this sort of beating would hospitalize a man and Spencer would likely be brought up on multiple assault charges but in this case, the punk just ran off.

“I’d like to have sex with you” moaned the now safe woman.

“Of course you would” agreed Spencer.  ”But alas, I am committed to Susan.  You are the 9th woman to throw herself at me today.”

“Your rejection has left me as satisfied as your acceptance would have” responded the girl, mystified.

Spencer went back inside to have 6 more quick beers and a lobster roll.  While waiting for Susan, he decided to work out and quickly bench-pressed 410 pounds without breaking a sweat.  Then he realized how little TV he watched because he was awesome and went back to reading the collected poetry of the African Tribesman.

Suddenly, a phone call!

“Okay Monica” whispered Davis “You keep watch.  If anyone comes, we’re going to have to hide pretty quickly.  I’m going to try and download the senator’s files”.
“What makes you even think he knows about the Pegasus Initiative?”
“He has to” Davis replied tersely.  ”It’s the only connection he would have to Ingenium.”
“But they have lobbyists all over the world” she protested “one picture of the senator shaking hands with -”
“There’s no goddamn time for second guessing” he exclaimed “let’s just get the files and get outta here”

Sighing in exhausted resignation,  Monica agreed “Fine.  Just do whatever.”

Crossing the room, Davis booted up the computer.
“Do you even know where to look?” she asked?
Davis shook his head “No, but I have some ideas.  If I can connect my USB Fireware PDA to his LAN drive, I think I can reroute into the mainframe infrastructure and grab core grep files from the Lotus directory”.

Monica stared at him for 15 uncomfortable seconds.  ”That doesn’t make any goddamn sense.  That was just a random collection of words.  Nothing you do or say ever makes any fu-”
“No time” he cut her off as the computer finished its boot routine.   “You keep watch at the door – I think the janitor is on to us.”   He started to fiddle with various wires he pulled out of his pocket.   “Where’s the damn Unix interface on this thing?  Damnit!”

Muttering under her breath, Monica walked over.  ”It’s just Windows Vista”  she clicked an icon “He doesn’t even have his profile password protected.   We’re in.   Here.”  she pointed.  ”Here’s a folder right on the desktop” her voice turned incredulous “unexpectedly called “Secret plans and meetings with Ingenium.”   She began clicking.
Davis laughed “I bet that’s the type of hacking they don’t teach you in philosopher school”.
She didn’t answer as she read the files.  ”I can’t believe this.  You’re correct.   He DOES have insider deals going with Ingenium to kill the Pegasus Initiative”
“I told you!” Davis said triumphantly!  ”Now lets download these onto my portable iDisk interface ” He pulled out a GPS.

Impressively, she was able to express both dismissive contempt and the concept of wishing he would shut up with a wave of her hand. “I’ll just put in on my memory stick.  They’re just word documents.”  Even more impressively, she didn’t add ‘idiot’ at the end of her sentence.  She started the transfer.
“Where’s the massive red bar that shows overall progress?” Asked Davis out of professional curiosity.  She continued to ignore him.

“I’m bored” he sulked.

Just then, there was an exciting noise in the hallway!!

He continued to hack furiously away when the door opened – shit – and he quickly alt+tabbed off his current screen, which was displaying information which could stun the political world, to a harmless browser window displaying child pornography.

Shit

He settled for throwing his jacket over the monitor and turned to newcomer.  It was Monica Smalling, a molecular biologist physicist philosopher he had seen around the office from time to time.  She was as smart as she was sexy and she had a man’s confidence with woman’s hands.  She didn’t need anyone, although he suspected she harbored a deep secret (a smart one) that made her put up walls around herself.  And she had huge tits.  All this flashed through his mind in seconds, coupled with images of his dead mother.  The whole thing was confusing.

“Kennedy?”  she said surprised, walking into the office.  “What are you doing here?”
“I should ask you the same question” he responded smartly.
“Should you?”
“Yes” he moved his rook into checkmate position.
“Why though?” she responded.  “Seriously, what are you doing here?  This is my office.”

Swing and a miss. 

Thinking furiously, he grabbed the first item on the desk – a stapler – and showed it to her.   “Just needed to borrow this bad boy” he said.  “Don’t even remember I was here.  I’ll just be on my way”.
“But you were on my computer.” she protested.  “Why were you on my computer.  And why were you looking at… what was that, child por-”
He cut her off quickly “Look Monica, there’s no time.  Do you trust me?”
She looked perplexed.  “I barely know you.   And you’re in my office.  On my computer.  So no, I don’t trust you at all.”
“Listen” he said, thinking furiously “I’ve stumbled on to something.  Something big.  It’s big and it’s connected and it’s smart.”
“I’m calling security” she said, pulling out her cell phone.
“Wait!” he said.  “What if I told you a portion of what I found.  Just listen.  I’ve been doing some research.   Do you know of corporations?”
“Yes..” She paused in the act of dialing
“Right, well what if I told you that corporations… don’t always work in the best interests of the consumer!!!”
She stared at him incredulously “What are you saying?”
He dropped his bombshell “I have information here that shows corporations really just want money.  And the government is involved somehow”
The phone dropped out of her numb, lifeless fingers.  “That’s.. that’s fucked up” she whispered.
“And smart” he reminded her.  She was drawn into his web.  But would there be enough time?

Today’s battle: Nickelback vs. Creed

It would be all to easy to let this comparison degenerate into an inarticulate rant about the general state of music, how quality has steadily declined since MTV stopped showing videos and how the industry stifles any originality whatsoever. 

Because it would be easy, that’s what I’m going to do.  Consistent with the music of Nickelback and Creed there will not be one shred of originality or creativity within this entire comparison.  I’m banging this thing out by the numbers and I barely care about the results.  Queue power chord.

Lead Singers
Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp are two human beings who were born of women and age in a linear fashion in the sense that they get older consistent with the forward progression of time.

Both play an instrument called a guitar which produces sound by means of vibrating a steel string over a gaping hole in a piece of wood.  They both play this instrument at a higher skill level than say, a five year old with no hands and no access to a guitar.

Both claim to write music inasmuch that several notes (recognized by humans as a combination of pitch, tone and velocity) are played in succession to achieve a result.

They’re both kind of douchebags that no real person who ever would want to spend time with.

Only one effectively converts oxygen to carbon dioxide, the other kind of struggles.

Winner: Nickelback

Hobbies
Typically humans divide their activities into different subject areas.  Broadly these would be work, hobbies and other.  Oddly, activities like “watching TV” which can take up to as much as 15% of your time is never classified as a hobby. 

Regardless, as having “hobbies” is considered to be a fairly routine part of day to day life, it is assumed both Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp have hobbies and maybe they enjoy them. 

Winner: Creed

Music
Both bands have achieved some degree of success in playing multiple instruments simultaneously while one or more members of the band uses their own vocal chords to augment regular speech by the use of tonality and rhythm.  This provides a counter-melody to the noises coming out of the various pieces of equipment.  Very often, the member of the band singing will string together several words in the attempt to form a coherent narrative that would stir emotion in the listener.  Very often, they will fail.

Creed is notable for imitating certain types of bands while Nickelback has been observed to imitate different bands that are basically all the same band.

Both bands are reported to have drums although I have not confirmed this.

Humans have collectively bought 35 million shiny pieces of circular plastic containing compressed data which, when used correctly with a type of electronic device, will replicate the noise generated by both bands.  Apparently this is something done for enjoyment by some humans, presumably those with only a passing knowledge of what music actually is.  For example, it has been theorized that if a person has only been exposed to three bands (Nickelback, Creed and 50 Cent) then it’s not outside the realm of possibility that they would consider Nickelback and Creed to be within acceptable auditory thresholds.

Winner: Nickelback

Critical Reception
There are a group of people who are paid money to listen to things done by people like this and then write about what they thought about it and then they also tell other people if they should enjoy it.

These people, generally, do not care for either Nickelback or Creed. 

Winner: Nickelback

Well that certainly was blandly inoffensive and certainly didn’t push the comedy envelope at all.  I guess if you had to pick a winner between these two bands, you’d have to go with Nickelback.  As always, these rankings are scientific and not subject to argument.

1. What is the swine flu?
Let’s start with the easiest.  The Swine Flu is a new strain of super-virus making its way through Canada, the States, South America, Europe, parts of Paraguay and New Zealand.  Those are the only known affected regions.  It originated in France with the French King St. Simon DeLeTrenchant who famously uttered the last words “Zut Alors, tu Swine!” to the doctor attempting to bathe him just minutes before his death (the French are notoriously superstitious of baths and water in general).

It’s not clear exactly how the flu originated except to say it’s not a surprise it came from France, which remains an unstoppable cesspool of lax morals and general failure.

2. How contagious is it?
To say that it’s the most contagious disease that man has ever encountered is like describing the horrific music of Creed by saying it will make you long for the sweet embrace of a painful, protracted death.  Obvious and inadequate to the task.  Simply put, English has not yet come up with a term to appropriately describe how contagious this disease is.  Oxford has proposed the new term “Flagoclox” which would mean “Contagious to the extent that literally, just by reading descriptions of the virus, you probably have the disease in question”.  Therefore the Swine flu is flagoclox.

3. But I’ve heard that the vaccination is dangerous?
True!  It’s a well known fact that any nations government exists simply to kill its populace.  Plain and simple.  This is proven.  Therefore, the fact that the government has released a vaccination means, by definition, they want you to die from it.

4. Right, and… wait, what?
Yep.  The government has released this vaccine – 100% untested – with the hopes that it will permanently kill and cripple its populace.  This is done, to keep the population terrified and under control.

5. W-
Stop right there.  I know what you’re going to ask already.  Yes, this is a liberal conspiracy.  First they spend our hard-earned dollars and send us into a $24 Billion dollar deficit, and then they ban smoking in cars.  What’s next Mr. McGuinty?

6. None of this information seems remotely accurate.  Is it possible to have a reasoned, rational discussion about this?
I don’t see how that would benefit anyone, least of all the media that thrives on artificial controversy

7. Fine.  How will the Flu shots be administered?
Keeping in accordance with Canadian Parliamentary law (all hail Maple), the flu shot will be mandatory for any citizen of Canada whose citizenship number is greater than 10393873 (check your CanuckCards people!), however it is only mandatory for registered members of the Progressive Conservative party (see points 3 to 5.  For SHAME Mr. McGuinty!)

8.  People are starting to die from this.
The important thing is you don’t remain informed and continue to use largely unsubstantiated apocryphal third-hand updates from friends on Facebook.  As always, this remains your best and most accurate source of information.  Oh, and that wasn’t a question.

I want to talk about Glee.

Like everyone else, I have agreed that Glee is the best new show on TV.  Oh sure, there are some people who don’t agree.  Typically, these people are convicted rapists and people who wish to rape.  Rapists are a contrarian lot who don’t care for the magic of show tunes.  This is why they feel compelled to rape and not like Glee.  Bastards, the whole lot of them.

Like all of you, I watched the season premiere of Glee and was not initially impressed.  First there was the one-dimensional characters, some of whom only existed to advance the paper-thin plot.  Then the deus ex machina’s at every turn.  Truly horrible, horrible writing.  But then.. the songs.  Can I love a show on the strength of cover tunes alone?   God help me, it turns out I can.

The premiere episode came together with the cover of “don’t stop believing” by Journey.  As it turns out, you could release any TV show pilot you wanted to, and if the first episode featured a cover of “dont’ stop believing” I would probably hooked for another 40 or so episodes.  Such is the power of that song.   I’ve sat through five horrendous seasons of Lost just on the off chance Kate would take off her shirt.  Imagine if after the first monster attack Charlie ripped it up with Don’t Stop Believing?  I wouldn’t even need a Kate.

So imagine my horror when I found out that the fantastically arranged cover they did of this classic song was ripped off from a fucking mini-pops CD.  Not the song itself obviously, but the harmonies, the way the song was put together, everything.  Is someone getting sued for this?  Do the minipops have lawyers or all they all just orphans?

I don’t know how to feel.

You might be asking yourself – why was I listening to the minipops in the first place?  Honestly, that’s not something I want to get into.  Let’s just allow that there was a compelling reason for me to download 22 different covers of “Don’t Stop Believing” and listen to them all in one night.  The important thing to remember here is that Glee 100% ripped off minipops.  For some reason.

Minipops version (click play) (it’s song 18.)  It was released like 19 months before Glee. 

Glee ripped off version

Long story short – I’m not sure I can watch Glee anymore. 

Update

I’ve explained this situation to my wife – “GA!  Glee ripped off Minipops!  FUCK!”.   I may have mentioned the government somewhere in there.

Terrifyingly, she doesn’t see the big deal.  She doesn’t even know why I bother taking to her.  I think I may also have to quit my marriage.  I can’t explain why this is a big deal.  You are either a type of person who understands why this ruins the show or you are my wife.  Please pick sides.

Update 2

According to Amazon, the Minipops CD wasn’t released until Sept 1, 2009, meaning the Glee version came first.  BUT!  They don’t just write these things the day before they release, they plan first.  This means that both versions probably were conceived at very close to the same time.  On the other hand, how long does it take to record a Minipops CD?  40 minutes?  I will continue to do research.