I write the screenplays that make the whole world sing

August 27, 2008

In the alternate universe where I’m rich (and a jaguar), I’ve produced all the movies ever mentioned in Seinfeld. Only portions of the entire screenplays are available

Death Blow:
Death Blow: Don’t worry guys, I’ll handle this.
Jimmy: Don’t leave us here tied up in this warehouse, Death Blow!
Death Blow: There’s no time!! <runs out>
Billy: Damnit Jimmy, can’t you untie the ropes?
Jimmy: Can’t.. reach…
<sounds of fighting outside, explosions>
Billy: Oh man… we’re missing the Death Blow ™

The Pain and the Yearning:
Sarah: Oh god.. the pain.
Father Michaels: Speak to God about what’s in your heart Sarah.
Sarah: It hurts so much Father… how can I retain my faith?
Father Michaels: God doesn’t give what he also doesn’t take away. Your son died because of your awful, whoring ways.
Sarah: Yes… yes. I see that now. And my cervical cancer?
Father Michaels: Tangentially related to the whoring, yes.
Sarah: <closeup with tear rolling down one cheek> Oh the pain. How I yearn for it to end.

Prognosis: Negative
Ron: Oh God.
Julie: Don’t worry Honey, I’m sure the results are fine.
Ron: I can’t handle the waiting, I have to call.
Julie: Just don’t be a dick on the phone like you normally are.
Ron: Fine, fine. <calling>
Nurse: Dr. Feldman’s office, how may I help you?
Ron: This is Ron Timbersall? I’m calling about the results of my test.
Nurse: We don’t normally give test results over the phone.
Ron: Please… please. I can’t live a normal life. I can’t live, don’t you see that?
Nurse: Well you seem very sincere, mister Timberlake-
Ron: Timbersall.
Nurse: Of course. I’ll see what I can find.
Ron: She’s checking!
Julie: God bless America.
Nurse: Hello Mr. Timberstan-
Ron: Timbersall.
Nurse: Uh huh. I have your test results here. It’s um.. Prognosis: Negative. So-
Ron: OH GOD!
Julie: Is it positive? OH GOD IS IT POSITIVE?
Ron: Wait, what? No it’s negative.
Julie: Isn’t negative good?
Ron:… what? No.
Julie: I thought positive was bad, negative was good.
Ron: No. No, negative is bad because it’s my prognosis. If it were my diagnosis, negative would be good.
Julie: I.. see.
Ron: Right, so anyway.
Julie: OH GOD <wailing, gnashing of teeth>

Sack Lunch
Sack: Oh man, my lunch business is barely taking off.
Skooter: Yee Haw!
Sir Feld: What exactly is a “lunch” business anyway?

<In a traffic jam in the Chunnel. Secret Agent Stan Mansly gets out of the limo>
Stan: Shh. SHH. Quiet Goddamit, I’m trying to hear. Something isn’t right.
Marcy: Stan, what are you doing? Get back in the limo. As the president’s daughter, I demand your protection.
Stan: That’s what I’m trying to do missy. I know this chunnel like the back of my hand. Before I became a secret service agent assigned to protect the president’s daughter, I built this chunnel. I know every sound it makes.
Marcy: It’s just a traffic jam, Stan. Now get back in the limo.
<ominous creaking>
Stan: No. NO! Don’t you see!! It’s the cross beams!!! EVERYONE OUT OF THE CHUNNEL NOW!

Earl: I didn’t know you enjoyed chess your majesty
King: Why wouldn’t I?
Earl: Because… the King is always in jeopardy.
King: Yes. But it’s only a game.
Earl: <suspiciously > Yes, of course… a game.
<Note – actual dialogue from the TV show>

Coming up next week:
Agent Zero
Brown Eyed Girl
Chow Fun
Mountain High
Cry, Cry Again
The Muted Heart
The Other side of Darkness