A special special

October 20, 2008

I’ve got an exclusive!! I’ve managed to get my hands on a part of the upcoming Vanity Fair interview with Thomas the Tank Engine by the legendary C. Chucksly Warblam-Skupp. They’re talking about Thomas’s new tell all book “On the other side of the tracks.” You won’t see this in stores for awhile.

Portion begins here:

..and Thomas simply shrugs, inasmuch as a Train with only a face can be said to shrug. I leave that alone.
“Let’s talk about James” I suggest. “There’s been reports of a strain between the two of you”.
“James man” Thomas toots in derision. “That’s a character for you. He’s not what you think. Let’s just say that he’s not just red because of the paint job, if you know what I mean”.

I assure Thomas that I absolutely do not.

“Okay, let me put it this way. James doesn’t run purely on coal, you know?” At this Thomas winks suggestively at me.

I cannot describe the sensation of seeing a 60-ton, sentient train wink suggestively at you. It is perhaps the most profoundly unsettling thing I have ever witnessed. I again move on.

“Percy.” I say. One word, but its effect on Thomas is immediate. He toots with rage.
“Percy is a little (what follows is 15 seconds of the filthiest expletives I have ever heard. Deleted for publication)“. says Thomas. “To quote Eminem, I wouldn’t piss on fire to put him [sic] out”. I ask Thomas to discuss some of the events leading up to the fallout.

“Percy got too big for his own buffers.” Thomas derides. “First he becomes the “cute one”, even though he’s basically just me painted Green. And then there was the incident with Gordon.” (note – Thomas is of course referring to the incident when Percy, drunk on corn ethanol, attempted to jump over Gordon while he slept, resulting in millions of dollars worth of damage and nearly killing Gordon).

“The last straw was catching him in the threesome with Annie and Clarabelle. That was just unforgiveable. We… we were closer than brothers once.” A giant tear rolls down his cheek. Stretching the bounds of our relationship, I ask him to describe in brief, the process by which trains would engage in a sexual threesome. Two months and $14,000 worth of therapy later and I can assure you I’m quite sorry I asked. I will spare you the horrific details. I again attempt to move onto safer ground.

“What was the impulse for this book? Why now?” Thomas collects himself before answering.
“Our story is pretty well known by now” he buffers “We were a race of super intelligent space lizards who injected our intellects into a comet and smashed it into Colorado with the hopes of possessing the bodies of Washington’s political leaders and taking over the Earth” he pauses here, reflectively. “Obviously our information was flawed as our consciousness ended up in a bunch of whimsical trains and worst, Colorado is nowhere near the epicenter of the planets political leadership. Miscalculations all around.” he chuckles ruefully. “I guess we were all pretty depressed at that. Henry and I talked a lot about killing all humans before we settled on the idea of a children’s show. Anyway, I wanted to give the story behind that. Who is the intergalactic space lizard behind the Thomas? For instance, did you know that my real name is “X’kkkksssllll’katchtzzzz’ohsllllll”?”

I have attempted to capture the sound of his name in writing, however I fear it pales to the real sound, which can be best compared to wrapping an entire third grade class in barbed wire and scraping them against the side of a large skyscraper as it’s fellated by King Kong. I can appreciate how this doesn’t translate well, however I now sadly know exactly what that sounds like.

Portion of interview ends here
Man, I can’t wait to read the rest of this one!


Every email in the future will look like this

October 17, 2008

From Rug:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, Flopsweat, She-stank
Subject: Who’s with me?

Fellas, Krug and the boys are playing tonight at the Horseshoe? Anyone in?

— sent from my Blackberry wireless device–

From Chaucer:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, Flopsweat, She-stank, Rug
Subject: Re: Who’s with me?

Sorry guys, I have to fuck Flopsweats wife tonight

— sent from my iPhone wireless device–

From Flopsweat:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, She-stank, Rug
Subject: Re: Who’s with me?

Fuck you!

— sent from my DS while playing MarioKart —

From Captain:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, She-stank, Rug, Flopsweat
Subject: Re: Who’s with me?

Count me in. For fucking Flopsweat’s wife that is.

— sent from my wireless enabled fridge, which I’m currently trapped in ™–

From Hands Down:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, She-stank, Rug, Flopsweat
Subject: Re: Who’s with me?

Aren’t we all forgetting that Flop’s wife is a horrible fat pig?

— sent from the inside of a box, using my toothbrush transmittor(tm)–

From Flop Sweat:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, She-stank, Rug, Flopsweat
Subject: Re: Who’s with me?


— sent from my DS while playing MarioKart (level 10 now) —

From She-stank:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, She-stank, Rog, Flopsweat
Subject: Re: Who’s with me?

I’m in for tonight Rug, just let me finish fucking Flopsweats fat, horrible pig wife

— sent from my calculator, but not the good kind —

From Hands Down:
To: Captain, Hands Down, Chaucer, She-stank, Rog, Flopsweat
Subject: Re: Who’s with me?

I’m in too, but I have to leave early, I’m getting head from Flopsweats horrible, fat pig bitch wife.

— sent from my iPhone wireless device–

Congressional Address

October 10, 2008

I should be a speechwriter:

Ladies and Gentlemen, honored guests, guests, staff, new members, hello. I am here to day to speak to you. And in doing so it is my ferverent hope that you will speak to me. With gestures, with subtle
cues, speaking, moving. Always communicating. Because as we enter this brave new decade, this “new century” if you will, we are left with choices. And as choice makers, we have to decide – will we choose, or let the choosers make our choices!!! (pause to wait for hysterical applause to die down)

It’s time to talk about people. What have we been doing for the past 8 years? Talking? No, I don’t think so. I don’t “think”. That’s what we’ve not been doing, talking and thinking, thinking and thinking. What is wrong here? I don’t have all the answers my friends, what I do have is conviction. AND ANSWERS! (pound podiums)

As I look out on the audience today, I see women, and more importantly, I see men looking at women. Where does this leave us? Are women looking at men and the men looking at jobs? Who’s looking at who now? And most important, where does this leave us? Well, I’ll tell you. It leaves us at the bottom, folks. The bottom of a corporate economy that can’t climb. No. No climbing here. How do you climb with no rope? Are jobs on the rope? Wait, (clever and sudden) there is no rope!!! And
that’s what I mean, when I say, all of the things that just happened.

Folks, we need that rope back and we need jobs. I can’t get them alone or at all. Neither can you. That’s why we have to ask our families, our children, our lawyers to help us. Will they all quit without a fuss? Maybe. Will I ask them too? No. That’s why we need less money, more people, and yes!!!
(thunderous applause)

Earlier I spoke with a child. A fat, candy-eating child with no hope, and more importantly, and this is critical, never once did he need to say thank-you!! Why? Hell, he’s got the candy. He’s got the power. Remember folks, we have no rope. It’s in the hands of the kids.

Now, I want everyone to do something for me right now. Look around. Look to your left and to your right. Those people sitting beside you? The ones you might call “friends” or “political enemies”? These are the people, not you, who will use you, not people, and children will fall or rise with this democracy! That’s why they’ve got to go to jail. They’ve got to. Sure, you can say “Wait Mr. Politician, if my kids are in jail, who’s going to grow up? Will it be me?” And I say YES! (applause)

We’ll all grow up! You and me and the kids and the grandparents and all the people, but not the children!! When will this happen? I’ll tell you! When criminals are taken off the streets and put into jails with our children where everyone can grow up and no one can stop! No stopping! If you want to stop, get the hell out of this room. Get the hell out! I don’t need stoppers, what I need is people who will stop people from stopping themselves. I need self-starting-stop-stoppers! And with God as my witness, you can be that people! (tumultous applause)