Artificial comedy scenario

January 28, 2009

 

Maggie:
So “Everlast”. Um.. I’ve never. Um. That’s an ususual name. I’ve never really done this speed dating thing before. Can you tell me a bit about yourself?

Everlast:
I kicks the flava, like Stephen King writes horror. If I was a Jew then I’d light a menorah.

Maggie:
Oh, you’re not Jewish? Why would you say..? Well I guess it’s good to know that if you were of a different faith that you’d stringently follow their religious observances. I guess. A little bit about myself –

Everlast:
I’ve got rhymes for ya

Maggie:
Oh sorry, I thought you were done.

Everlast:
Excuse me seniora.

Maggie:
Not at all.

Everlast:
Are you a whore or are you a lady? Is it Erica Boyer or Marsha Brady?

Maggie:
Wow, you cut right to the quick don’t you? But to answer your question, I’m not really into one night stands. (laughs ruefully) I’ve been there, done that.

Everlast:
Let me know hon, the deed will get done.

Maggie:
Yeah, I don’t really like games either. So what do you do in your spare time, aside from “kick” flavor?

Everlast:
Just assume the position, I take my rod then I go fishin.

Maggie:
Wow, my Dad is totally into fishing! It’s so great to have a hobby like that, I’m kind of into running. Do you work, or –

Everlast:
I’ll get your river flowing, when it comes to giving pleasure, I’m every woman’s treasure.

Maggie:
Oh, you’re a massage therapist!

Everlast:
(Irritated) I came to work your body, so let me do my job.

Maggie:
Um.. I told you I’m not into that. Why do you keep –

Everlast:
I’ve never been laid off, my rhyming skill paid off.

Maggie:
I thought you were a massage therapist? Wait, like you write commercial jingles? And am I going to be allowed to finish a sand-

Everlast:
Now I’m making records, now I’m making tapes. Steady busting suckers in bunches like grapes. Makin all the papes. Scooping up the loot. Putting suckers on the run, pull the gun and then I shoot. (gives thumbs up)

Maggie:
(long pause) Not one single word of that made any sense. Listen, I dont’ think this is going to –

Everlast:
(plantive) I never been a front, I never been a fraud.

Maggie:
Everlast, I know. You’ve been very open and honest with me. I think that’s great. I think your rhymes are cute too.

Everlast:
I’ve got a natural skill, for that I thank the Lord, cause I feel blessed.

Maggie:
Just.. not in the Jewish way.

Everlast:
I’m casually dressed.

Maggie:
Meh. We’ve talked a lot about you. Maybe I could –

Everlast:
I always got my gun, but I never wear a vest.

Maggie:
Okay, freak. We’re done here TIME! SOMEONE CALL ROTATE! FREAK BOY HERE IS STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT! (bell rings) Oh thank fuck. Hit the road Everboy.

Everlast (getting up)
I’m quick on the draw like the horse named McGraw from the cartoon!

Maggie:
Whatever. . What a fucking weirdo.

(2 men sit down)
Maggie:
Hi Chris. And.. I see there’s two of you. And you’re both named Chris. What’s the fucking dea-

Chris 1:
Don’t try to compare us to another bad little fad, I’m the Mac and I’m bad and I’ll give you something that you never had.

Maggie:
I’m done. Fucking rap night.

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