Stormtrooper Orientation Guide

April 28, 2009

So you’ve decided to become a Stormtrooper. And by “decided” we mean “had no choice but” as you’re a clone with no free will. Please take a moment to read through a FAQ we’ve prepared to help you through this period.

1. Oh god. Where am I? What’s happening?
Calm down! You’re just awakening in your cloning pod. Your memories will be wiped shortly and you will become a souless automaton serving in the Empires army as a Stormtrooper.

2. Stormtrooper eh?  When do I get paid?
You’re clones. You’re basically slaves. You don’t get paid.

3. Okay fine.  I am a part-time employee. When do I get paid?
There is no such thing as a part-time Stormtrooper.  You are a clone-slave.  You don’t get paid.  Ever.

4. Who can I call if I have questions regarding my benefits, my pay, or need an interpretation of workplace policies or procedures?
You have no benefits or pay.  You’re a cloneslave.  Any misinterpretations in workplace policies will result in immediate force-strangulation*

*If there is no manager available with knowledge of the force you will be pushed from an airlock.  It’s just best not question any policies.

5. What did you do to me?
Nothing.  Almost nothing.  You’re a clone created from your own DNA.  Every second of your existence is a horrible, mute reminder of the dead-eyed puppet you’ve become and must be constantly surrounded by.  Every friendship or relationship with your fellow stormtroopers will be tainted by the fact that you all look alike and will be tempted to masturbate together.  This is frowned on.

6. God.  GOD!  Why would you do this?  How does this even make us an effective fighting unit?
We’re the Empire, we’re totally evil.

7. Am I eligible to participate in 401 (k) and, if so, how do I enroll?
You are eligible to participate immediately.  You become eligible for company matching contributions beginning the first of the month after 12 months of service with at least 1000 hours worked during that period and at least 4 (four) confirmed Rebel kills.  You have the option to enroll via the telephone voice response unit or the Website

8. How does The Empire support Stormtroopers who contribute in their community?
Well.. mostly we don’t.  We’re kind of a repressive regime, you know?  Most other stormtroopers contribute to the community by not shooting people directly in the face.

9. Speaking of shooting people in the face, when will I go through marksmanship training?
Never, as you are expected to have genetically inherited the marksmanship skill from yourself, although it should be mentioned that you barely were able to hit anything successfully. Any off-hours training will have to come from your own pocket.

10. With the money I don’t have because you refuse to pay me.
Correct.

11. When are my benefits effective?
(sigh) You have no benefits (see #4)

12. Does my armor actually protect me from laser fire?
No.  No, it doesn’t.  It actually doesn’t protect you from anything, including sticks thrown by 3-foot teddy bears.

13. Then why wear it?
We paid for like 30 billion up front from those stupid cloning fish fucks so we’re more or less obligated to use them.

14. When will I receive my Benefit Enrollment packet to select the benefit plans I wish to participate in? How do I enroll in benefits?
You are automatically ineligible for benefits because you’re a fucking clone.  How are you not getting this?  You.  Have.  No.  Benefits.  Fuck.  We’re not paying benefits to what is essentially a glorified meat shield.  You could be replaced by a burlap sack filled with ham with a rifle attached to it.  There are no fucking benefits.

15. Am I eligible for Tuition Reimbursement?
Potentially, yes.  Discuss with your manager whether you are eligible under the Tuition Reimbursement Program and if he or she will support your application.

16. How long do I have to stay in my current position to be eligible to apply for new job opportunities within the Empire?
A minimum of 12 months with a satisfactory job performance review.  There are several opportunities for advancement, be it snow storm trooper, or giant red special gay Stormtrooper that protects the Emperor

17. So that’s it then?  I’m a fucking clone with no rights who is just there to absorb laser fire?
Yes, pretty much.

18. So when can I apply for benefits?
We’re all done here.

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Texas is the new Quebec

April 24, 2009

Quebec sides with Texas

In a surprise move, Quebec Premier Jean Charest with support from federal Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe came out yesterday in support of efforts within Texas to leave the US.

At an impromptu press conference Charest said “Je suis énorme deuchebag qui veut voir mon pays détruit. J’en déteste la vie et tout. Je suis un énorme hypocrite qui veut voir toute la vie détruite. Sucez mes boules, chacun”.

We don’t know what any of that means, but we assume it translates to “Go Texas”.

Quebec has a long history of threatening to leave Canada, which has helped shape their identity as a province of whining asshats who on the one hand benefit from proportionally, more government assistance than any other province, while still affording them the freedom to chip away at the unity of Canada, one piece at a time.
Texas finds themselves in good company, although Texas Gov. Rick Perry was startled to find out that his state was now essentially the French of the US.

“Wait, what”? He said after hearing the news. “I don’t want to be French, how am I French?” before promptly throwing his ten gallon beret on the ground in disgust.

After having the obvious parallels explained to him, he shrugged and continued his battle to destroy the US.
“Listen, I love my country.” He said. “That’s why I want to see it destroyed.” Seeing no apparent contradictions in this exercise in mental gymnastics, he blithely continued “Under Barak Obama, the US is quickly turning into a socialist nation. After all, just look at the bailout package which is largely a continuation of the exact same bailout started by Bush which I had absolutely no issues with at the time. I mean, can you believe this guy”?

When it was pointed out that if Texas seceded, they would likely lose the $6 billion military industry that drives a portion of their economy and it would be a near certainty that Republicans would never again win in any US national election, he laughed and rubbed his hands together. “Oui!” he started “Uh, that is, I mean yes”.

Pressed for comment, US President Barak Obama stated “As the US looks to Canada for guidance on many aspects such as universal healthcare and a rock solid banking infrastructure, we cannot truly succeed until we have a group of Frenchmen living right within our borders. Thankfully, Texas has taken up that mantle and is now the Quebec of the US. God bless America”


Billy Bob Thornton trampoline meltdown

April 14, 2009

(transcript of Interview with Billy Bob Thornton and Brent Neville – DJ for 102.9 Q zone out of Manitoba for the Trampoline Hour – the only news show for trampoline enthusiasts)

Brent: And we’re back. We’re talking to Billy Bob Thornton, the front man for the country-rock fusion quartet the Boxmasters. Having totally failed to conquer one industry, he’s back pursuing his second love – trampolining. Billy Bob, welcome to the show. It’s a great pleasure to talk to you.

Billy Bob : grunts

Brent: Let’s cut right to the chase. Which trampoline has inspired you the most through your career?

Billy Bob: I don’t… I don’t understand what you mean.

Brent: Well, was it JumpSport? HopSpring? FunBounce? BigLeap? SpringJump? BounceLeap? BigSport? AllyJump?

Billy Bob: I really don’t understand the question.

Brent: O..kay. Um. Which trampoline are you using right now? Like in your own home, what do you bounce on?

Billy Bob: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Brent: Okay well like me personally, I’m no professional, but I start off in the morning with a SoftBounce system to warm up. Later, I’ll move on to my 10×17 2 spring Econo-Bounce model, and when I really get into the groove I like to get things hopping with my Staged Variable Power Bounce.

Billy Bob: Meh

Brent: …

Billy Bob:

Brent: Um. Okay. Um. Alright. Can you talk about-

Billy Bob: Would you ask Von Boxmeyer if this was his second love?

Brent: What?

Billy Bob: If you had the world-renowned Trampoline Enthusiast Van Boxmeyer on the show, would you ask him if this was his second love?

Brent: Well have you – I mean, are you referring to my introduction when I referred to this as your second passion?

Billy Bob: That’s exactly what I’m referring to. I thought we weren’t going to mention my laughable singing career. I thought we weren’t going to talk about that .

Brent: I never received any specific instructions –

Billy Bob: I gave specific instructions to your producer not to talk about my joke of a failed music career. I just came on to talk about trampolining. You wouldn’t ask Van Boxmeyer if this was his hobby.

Brent: I’m just trying to provide context –

Billy Bob: You wouldn’t ask

Brent: I’m trying to provide context about how you’re such a huge musical joke and that’s the reason we’re even having you on a radio show about Trampolining. I’m happy to talk only trampolining with you. I’m happy to.

Billy Bob: This is bull is the thing.

Brent: Listen, we got off on the wrong foot. Can we call a truce? We’ll stick to talking about trampolines.

Billy Bob: Fine.

Brent: Okay. Now when you’re doing double bounces –

Billy Bob: Canadian audiences are garbage for trampolining too

Brent: Pardon? Hmm? It’s kind of a solo thing you know

Billy Bob: I’m up there and I’m used to trampolining in front of pretty rowdy crowds, my two cats and whatever strung out coked-up Thai hooker I’ve brought home that night. I mean they’re throwing things, Canadians are all mashed potatoes and no gravy.

Brent: Don’t you mean all steak and no sizzle?

Billy Bob:

Brent: Okay, I understand you’re going to put on a little demonstration for us, so our listeners can listen to you trampoline?

Billy Bob: No, I don’t haul around my trampoline at 6:00am in the morning. I’m just going to air-trampoline for 6 minutes.

Brent: Oh god

(six minutes of dead radio air time follow, intermittently interrupted by Billy Bob grunting and straining. In the background you can hear Brent swearing softly)

Brent: Okay, we’re out of time. Billy Bob, thanks for taking the time to… what? Be on the show I guess? I’m mostly sorry you couldn’t be here today.