Swine Flu FAQ

October 27, 2009

There’s a lot of confusion about the Swine flu outbreak and the associated vaccination.  As my primary character I play in World of Warcraft is a healer, I feel that I’m uniquely qualified to clear up some of the misinformation that’s floating around.  I’ve collected these questions from co-workers, friends and family.  Hopefully this gives a clearer picture of what is happening.

1. What is the swine flu?
Let’s start with the easiest.  The Swine Flu is a new strain of super-virus making its way through Canada, the States, South America, Europe, parts of Paraguay and New Zealand.  Those are the only known affected regions.  It originated in France with the French King St. Simon DeLeTrenchant who famously uttered the last words “Zut Alors, tu Swine!” to the doctor attempting to bathe him just minutes before his death (the French are notoriously superstitious of baths and water in general).

It’s not clear exactly how the flu originated except to say it’s not a surprise it came from France, which remains an unstoppable cesspool of lax morals and general failure.

2. How contagious is it?
To say that it’s the most contagious disease that man has ever encountered is like describing the horrific music of Creed by saying it will make you long for the sweet embrace of a painful, protracted death.  Obvious and inadequate to the task.  Simply put, English has not yet come up with a term to appropriately describe how contagious this disease is.  Oxford has proposed the new term “Flagoclox” which would mean “Contagious to the extent that literally, just by reading descriptions of the virus, you probably have the disease in question”.  Therefore the Swine flu is flagoclox.

3. But I’ve heard that the vaccination is dangerous?
True!  It’s a well known fact that any nations government exists simply to kill its populace.  Plain and simple.  This is proven.  Therefore, the fact that the government has released a vaccination means, by definition, they want you to die from it.

4. Right, and… wait, what?
Yep.  The government has released this vaccine – 100% untested – with the hopes that it will permanently kill and cripple its populace.  This is done, to keep the population terrified and under control.

5. W-
Stop right there.  I know what you’re going to ask already.  Yes, this is a liberal conspiracy.  First they spend our hard-earned dollars and send us into a $24 Billion dollar deficit, and then they ban smoking in cars.  What’s next Mr. McGuinty?

6. None of this information seems remotely accurate.  Is it possible to have a reasoned, rational discussion about this?
I don’t see how that would benefit anyone, least of all the media that thrives on artificial controversy

7. Fine.  How will the Flu shots be administered?
Keeping in accordance with Canadian Parliamentary law (all hail Maple), the flu shot will be mandatory for any citizen of Canada whose citizenship number is greater than 10393873 (check your CanuckCards people!), however it is only mandatory for registered members of the Progressive Conservative party (see points 3 to 5.  For SHAME Mr. McGuinty!)

8.  People are starting to die from this.
The important thing is you don’t remain informed and continue to use largely unsubstantiated apocryphal third-hand updates from friends on Facebook.  As always, this remains your best and most accurate source of information.  Oh, and that wasn’t a question.