Canada vs the US Part IV

November 12, 2009

Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Today’s battle: Nickelback vs. Creed

It would be all to easy to let this comparison degenerate into an inarticulate rant about the general state of music, how quality has steadily declined since MTV stopped showing videos and how the industry stifles any originality whatsoever. 

Because it would be easy, that’s what I’m going to do.  Consistent with the music of Nickelback and Creed there will not be one shred of originality or creativity within this entire comparison.  I’m banging this thing out by the numbers and I barely care about the results.  Queue power chord.

Lead Singers
Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp are two human beings who were born of women and age in a linear fashion in the sense that they get older consistent with the forward progression of time.

Both play an instrument called a guitar which produces sound by means of vibrating a steel string over a gaping hole in a piece of wood.  They both play this instrument at a higher skill level than say, a five year old with no hands and no access to a guitar.

Both claim to write music inasmuch that several notes (recognized by humans as a combination of pitch, tone and velocity) are played in succession to achieve a result.

They’re both kind of douchebags that no real person who ever would want to spend time with.

Only one effectively converts oxygen to carbon dioxide, the other kind of struggles.

Winner: Nickelback

Typically humans divide their activities into different subject areas.  Broadly these would be work, hobbies and other.  Oddly, activities like “watching TV” which can take up to as much as 15% of your time is never classified as a hobby. 

Regardless, as having “hobbies” is considered to be a fairly routine part of day to day life, it is assumed both Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp have hobbies and maybe they enjoy them. 

Winner: Creed

Both bands have achieved some degree of success in playing multiple instruments simultaneously while one or more members of the band uses their own vocal chords to augment regular speech by the use of tonality and rhythm.  This provides a counter-melody to the noises coming out of the various pieces of equipment.  Very often, the member of the band singing will string together several words in the attempt to form a coherent narrative that would stir emotion in the listener.  Very often, they will fail.

Creed is notable for imitating certain types of bands while Nickelback has been observed to imitate different bands that are basically all the same band.

Both bands are reported to have drums although I have not confirmed this.

Humans have collectively bought 35 million shiny pieces of circular plastic containing compressed data which, when used correctly with a type of electronic device, will replicate the noise generated by both bands.  Apparently this is something done for enjoyment by some humans, presumably those with only a passing knowledge of what music actually is.  For example, it has been theorized that if a person has only been exposed to three bands (Nickelback, Creed and 50 Cent) then it’s not outside the realm of possibility that they would consider Nickelback and Creed to be within acceptable auditory thresholds.

Winner: Nickelback

Critical Reception
There are a group of people who are paid money to listen to things done by people like this and then write about what they thought about it and then they also tell other people if they should enjoy it.

These people, generally, do not care for either Nickelback or Creed. 

Winner: Nickelback

Well that certainly was blandly inoffensive and certainly didn’t push the comedy envelope at all.  I guess if you had to pick a winner between these two bands, you’d have to go with Nickelback.  As always, these rankings are scientific and not subject to argument.