The Paranoid Parent presents: Tips on feeding your child

February 18, 2010

At the Paranoid Parent, our mission is to make parenting as stressful as it can possibly be.  We strive to remove common sense and trust in yourself and replace it with byzantine guidelines that, while arbitrary and confusing, are at least contradictory and impossible to follow.  We do this to help you – the parent.  The useless, terrified, fuck-all knowing parent.

Today’s topic – feeding your child.

Feeding can be one of the most stressful experiences for a parent, especially in light of the fact that regardless of what you’re doing, you’re almost certainly doing it wrong.

Despite evolving throughout millions of years with no standardized guidelines around childhood feeding, many parents feel (quite correctly) that they are unable to care for their child and are killing them with food.  At Paranoid Parent ™ we offer simple tips.  As always, just remember that if you do so much as one goddamn thing wrong your child will either die, grow up to be a murderer, or seek a philosophy degree.

Top 10 tips for healthly childhood eating

1.  Your child must eat a perfect ratio of protein to vegetables to carbohydrates in order to have a “growing” day.  If you do not perfect this ratio, the “growing day” is lost forever.  This is why it’s a well-known fact that midgets have bad parents.

2.  Follow this simple rule of thumb – Always Eat Dinner Except If You’re Not Hungry But Never Before Bed Unless You Should or AEDEIYNHBNBBUYS

3. Most proteins are good for you except the ones that are not, and science has yet to determine an effective means of determining the difference between the two.  Try burning your food over a bush fire using elm branches as the base.  If the smoke turns slightly red for two non-consecutive seconds, then there’s a 40% chance the protein is bad

4.  Never cut raw chicken on any surface that will ever be used again – if you must cut raw chicken, sell your entire fucking house afterwards.

5.  Potatoes are quick and easy source of nutrit- oh wait.  What?  We’re off carbs now?  Okay, check.

6.  Potatoes are instant death to a child under 5.

7.  Your child’s future is determined by how smugly you are able to announce to other parents that your precious kid “just loves” vegetables.

8.  Your kids can’t have any chips as it’s not part of a healthy diet and any salty junk foods should be avoided.  Oh don’t worry, this doesn’t apply to you, Hamsack.  You just eat allllll the chips you want.

9.  Avoid feeding your children the same foods day after day even if they like them and they’re healthy.  Can’t… can’t really think of a rationalization for this one outside of just being a huge dick

10.  Avoid common sense as there has been no link established between just thinking for two fucking seconds vs. reading random crap you find on the internet from strangers with no published credentials

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Lost… again

February 12, 2010

If my life was filled with people who acted like they do on Lost.

(I wake up for work, have a shower and get in my car. On the way, I notice I need gas, so I stop. I get out, fill up the car and go inside to pay)

Me: Here, $35

Gas Attendant: Is that really all you have to offer?

Me: What?

Gas Attendant: You resist the things you can’t change. Yet you look to the future.

Me: Umm… I was pump five? (points)

Gas Attendant: If I were to take your money, would you be satisfied?

Me: I have money. Take it. Here. (long pause) It’s for gas.

Gas Attendant: Would you like a car wash with that?

(Later that day, I am booked for a meeting with the subject line “Talk”. I walk over to Dave’s desk as he booked the meeting)

Me: Hey, that meeting you booked me for, what’s it about?

Dave: We need to have a discussion with you.

Me: Check.  But what about?  Because I have these reports I really need to get out, so –

Dave: I need you to do this for me.

Me: Right, but do what?

Dave: This.

Me: What is this?

Dave: (unnecessarily mysterious) It’s a document.

Me: I can see it’s a document, that doesn’t answer anything.  What is it.

Dave: It’s the very hope for the future (music swells in the background)

Me: What the fuck? Why can I hear music? What does that even mean?

Dave: All can be contained within.

Me: Jesus Dave.   It’s every day with you isn’t it.  How were you even hired?

Dave: The same way you were.

Me: What, Khattar from HR?  He hired you?

Dave: You know exactly what I mean.

Me: No I fucking don’t.
(For some reason Dave walks away as if that would be the end of the conversation. I swear under my breath)

(Later that day, I call my wife )
Me: Yeah, I’m going to the grocery store after work to get the stuff on your list

Brady: It is important.

Me: Right, but I can’t read your handwriting.  What’s the list say?

Brady: It says… that we must make dinner.

Me: No.  No, I don’t need to know the thematic summation of the list, I get that.  I inherently get that.  I need to know, literally, what the list says.

Brady: It says dinner is in danger.

Me: What does that mean.  WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN??  WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THIS TODAY?

Brady: We all have choices.

(I smash the phone into a million pieces)


(After work I go to see my doctor about my heartburn)

Me: I have heartburn

Dr: Take this.

Me: What is it?

Dr: It will fix your heartburn

Me: Right.  What is it though?

Dr: You must trust.

Me: I mustn’t.  I mustn’t just trust.  That’s disingenuous and frighteningly disturbing if that’s the way you prescribe medicine to your patients.

Dr: Take it.  It must come from you.

Me: Damn it!  What’s in the pill??

Dr: Viagra.

Me: !!!  How does that cure heartburn? How are those things related? Why are you even my Doctor?

Dr: If you don’t take the pill, your heartburn will grow worse.

Me: How do you even know that?

Dr: The same thing happened…. to your sister!!!

Me: My sister has heartburn?  And you fixed that with Viagra?  I very much doubt that.  And isn’t this a violation of some kind of patient / client confi-

Dr: Time’s up!