If my life was filled with people who acted like they do on Lost.
(I wake up for work, have a shower and get in my car. On the way, I notice I need gas, so I stop. I get out, fill up the car and go inside to pay)
Me: Here, $35
Gas Attendant: Is that really all you have to offer?
Gas Attendant: You resist the things you can’t change. Yet you look to the future.
Me: Umm… I was pump five? (points)
Gas Attendant: If I were to take your money, would you be satisfied?
Me: I have money. Take it. Here. (long pause) It’s for gas.
Gas Attendant: Would you like a car wash with that?
(Later that day, I am booked for a meeting with the subject line “Talk”. I walk over to Dave’s desk as he booked the meeting)
Me: Hey, that meeting you booked me for, what’s it about?
Dave: We need to have a discussion with you.
Me: Check. But what about? Because I have these reports I really need to get out, so –
Dave: I need you to do this for me.
Me: Right, but do what?
Me: What is this?
Dave: (unnecessarily mysterious) It’s a document.
Me: I can see it’s a document, that doesn’t answer anything. What is it.
Dave: It’s the very hope for the future (music swells in the background)
Me: What the fuck? Why can I hear music? What does that even mean?
Dave: All can be contained within.
Me: Jesus Dave. It’s every day with you isn’t it. How were you even hired?
Dave: The same way you were.
Me: What, Khattar from HR? He hired you?
Dave: You know exactly what I mean.
Me: No I fucking don’t.
(For some reason Dave walks away as if that would be the end of the conversation. I swear under my breath)
(Later that day, I call my wife )
Me: Yeah, I’m going to the grocery store after work to get the stuff on your list
Brady: It is important.
Me: Right, but I can’t read your handwriting. What’s the list say?
Brady: It says… that we must make dinner.
Me: No. No, I don’t need to know the thematic summation of the list, I get that. I inherently get that. I need to know, literally, what the list says.
Brady: It says dinner is in danger.
Me: What does that mean. WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN?? WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THIS TODAY?
Brady: We all have choices.
(I smash the phone into a million pieces)
(After work I go to see my doctor about my heartburn)
Me: I have heartburn
Dr: Take this.
Me: What is it?
Dr: It will fix your heartburn
Me: Right. What is it though?
Dr: You must trust.
Me: I mustn’t. I mustn’t just trust. That’s disingenuous and frighteningly disturbing if that’s the way you prescribe medicine to your patients.
Dr: Take it. It must come from you.
Me: Damn it! What’s in the pill??
Me: !!! How does that cure heartburn? How are those things related? Why are you even my Doctor?
Dr: If you don’t take the pill, your heartburn will grow worse.
Me: How do you even know that?
Dr: The same thing happened…. to your sister!!!
Me: My sister has heartburn? And you fixed that with Viagra? I very much doubt that. And isn’t this a violation of some kind of patient / client confi-
Dr: Time’s up!