At the Paranoid Parent, our mission is to make parenting as stressful as it can possibly be. We strive to remove common sense and trust in yourself and replace it with byzantine guidelines that, while arbitrary and confusing, are at least contradictory and impossible to follow. We do this to help you – the parent. The useless, terrified, fuck-all knowing parent.
Today’s topic – feeding your child.
Feeding can be one of the most stressful experiences for a parent, especially in light of the fact that regardless of what you’re doing, you’re almost certainly doing it wrong.
Despite evolving throughout millions of years with no standardized guidelines around childhood feeding, many parents feel (quite correctly) that they are unable to care for their child and are killing them with food. At Paranoid Parent ™ we offer simple tips. As always, just remember that if you do so much as one goddamn thing wrong your child will either die, grow up to be a murderer, or seek a philosophy degree.
Top 10 tips for healthly childhood eating
1. Your child must eat a perfect ratio of protein to vegetables to carbohydrates in order to have a “growing” day. If you do not perfect this ratio, the “growing day” is lost forever. This is why it’s a well-known fact that midgets have bad parents.
2. Follow this simple rule of thumb – Always Eat Dinner Except If You’re Not Hungry But Never Before Bed Unless You Should or AEDEIYNHBNBBUYS
3. Most proteins are good for you except the ones that are not, and science has yet to determine an effective means of determining the difference between the two. Try burning your food over a bush fire using elm branches as the base. If the smoke turns slightly red for two non-consecutive seconds, then there’s a 40% chance the protein is bad
4. Never cut raw chicken on any surface that will ever be used again – if you must cut raw chicken, sell your entire fucking house afterwards.
5. Potatoes are quick and easy source of nutrit- oh wait. What? We’re off carbs now? Okay, check.
6. Potatoes are instant death to a child under 5.
7. Your child’s future is determined by how smugly you are able to announce to other parents that your precious kid “just loves” vegetables.
8. Your kids can’t have any chips as it’s not part of a healthy diet and any salty junk foods should be avoided. Oh don’t worry, this doesn’t apply to you, Hamsack. You just eat allllll the chips you want.
9. Avoid feeding your children the same foods day after day even if they like them and they’re healthy. Can’t… can’t really think of a rationalization for this one outside of just being a huge dick
10. Avoid common sense as there has been no link established between just thinking for two fucking seconds vs. reading random crap you find on the internet from strangers with no published credentials