My life at Riverdale

Feb 22

Well, we’re done the move and I just spent my first day in Riverdale.  I’m still pretty bummed to leave Toronto, all my friends were there and I hated leaving.  I tried to tell my Dad any of this but he just started in a again about how this was a wonderful opportunity and blah blah blah.  I can’t even find Riverdale on a map.  Tomorrow is my first day at school, I’m not really looking forward to it.  I’ve barely seen any kids since I’ve been here, I don’t know where they would all be.  This place sucks.

Feb 23

This place is fucked up.  So I had my first day at school today and get this – my teacher’s name is Mrs. Grundy.   What the fuck kind of name is that?  She introduced me to the class but halfway through some red haired kid came flying in with a fucking german shepherd behind him while some monstrously obese man yelled at him.  I was honestly kind of freaked out but the whole class barely reacted.  The red haired kid took this crazy fucking spill over the desk and I could have sworn I heard his spine break but I guess he was fine.  The huge fat guy (apparently our principle) just said “See you in Detention, Andrews”.  I still have no fucking clue how the dog fit in or really what happened.

I tried to make some friends later – there was a cute girl named Betty in my class and I tried to joke with her – “Mrs. Grundy” I said after class “More like Mrs. Cunty!”  I was referring to the homework she gave us.  Betty just looked at me and said that I shouldn’t say mean things about people. 


Feb 24

 Oh man, that Andrews again.  We were in science (with Prof. Flutesnoot no less.  Honestly, this town is 10 types of fucked) doing an experiment and we were working with hydrated piric acid.  Anyway that numb fuck starts mixing in some normally stable perchlorate but he heated them first!  Needless to say the resulting explosion took out half the wall.  So a couple things.

1. Why the fuck do grade 11 students have unsupervised access to explosive materials at this school?  In Canada, we were allowed to mix baking soda with coke.
2. One girl in the class was horribly burned but as far as I can tell there’s going to be no investigation or criminal proceedings. That fat fuck Weatherbee (THE FUCK IS WITH THESE NAMES?) just said Andrews had more detention. For blowing up a wall. And potentially killing a student. Honestly, how is that not practically a terrorist act?

I tried to make a joke to Betty – “Man, that Andrews kid is a fucktard” I said, but she just said that “Ronnie” (don’t know what that is) got asked to the dance and burst into tears.

Aside – I’m not 100% positive but I think there’s a dance every weekend.

Hate this place.

Feb 25
I went to this place after school called “The Chocolate Shoppe” which I guess is where all the kids hang out. All they did eat hamburgers and again that shithead Andrews was there and he broke a couple of glasses before falling off a stool. I think maybe he’s an alcoholic because what else can explain his behaviour? I guess that’s kind of cool.

This guy Jugwhore was there, remorselessly eating what seemed to be 15 hamburgers. It was kind of disgusting. He’d power through 3 and then go to the bathroom and I’m almost positive he was throwing up. Whatever I guess.

I talked to Betty some more to see if anything exciting ever happens here. She said last week Bruce Sprungstone came to town. I don’t know who that is and I told her so. She just rattled off a list of random names – Tina Torner, Tom Cruisemore, Bratt Pidd. I.. I think she might be simple. I asked her if I could text her and she didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked if I could friend her on Facebook but then she asked if “Ronnie” (I think that’s a person) put me up to this and ran off.

As we were talking, Andrews fell through a plate glass window, again with no reaction. I think his father must be the mayor or something.

Mar 1
So get this. Apparently in addition to being a moron, Andrews is some kind of boy detective or something. These dudes stole a Panda from the local zoo – which is fucked because as far as I can tell, Riverdale is an average sized town of like 50,000 people so I have no idea why they have a zoo, nor how they managed to score an endangered species for an exhibit. Whatever.

Anyhow, they stole the panda and Andrews and his buddy Jarhead somehow foiled the crooks (that’s honestly the word the local paper used – Panda thieves foiled) and rescued something and the city was all over how awesome that was and then during the parade in his honor (??) he somehow released the brakes on one of the floats and killed 4 people.


I’ve started to talk to my Dad about moving back, job or no job because this place is crazy.  When I bumped into Betty I said “Archie Andrews is a clumsy fucking menace and if he so much as looks crosseyed at me I’m going to fucking kick his balls so hard they explode out of the back of his goddamn pants”.  She burst into tears and later that day the principal gave me detention. 

Fuck this place.

Mar 19
Sorry for not writing in awhile, I just got out of the hospital. Long story short, I was lost at school, so I asked this girl Midge for directions. Next thing I know this huge behemoth of a guy comes up behind me and says “You’re talking to my girl!” Before I can say anything, he starts whaling on me. He finally stopped, but I was already unconscious. He broke my jaw, three of my ribs, gave me a black eye and a mid to severe concussion. I didn’t come to for about 36 hours. The doctors say I’ll never fully recover vision in one eye and I have these crazy headaches.

Anyway, I’m pressing charges, my Dad is pretty supportive but he doesn’t think it’s going to go anywhere. I guess this Moose fuck is some football star and the entire town just kind of looks the other way at his rampant violent abuses both against other people and his girlfriend.

This town licks balls.


One Response to My life at Riverdale

  1. Kathy says:

    That’s funny

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: