Is it possible that studies conducted about things reveal facts about something? That is among the questions raised by a landmark Berkeley study showing a significant correlation between studies and knowing things about other things.
Led by Dr. Francis McGarnagle, a team of 16 researchers analyzed the results of over 3000 studies from six geographically distant countries performed by a wide variety of scientists. They discovered that in over 70% of the cases, a study will reveal findings and demonstrate proof of something.
While the latest work is at far too early a stage to demonstrate the feasibility of future studies, it does help to reveal why thinking about something, writing a hypothesis and then meticulously researching that hypothesis using repeatable processes will often result in demonstrable proof of something. Sometimes even several things.
“Quite honestly, I’m floored.” said Dr. McGarnagle at a recent press conference. “When we started out, we thought maybe 10, 15 percent of studies revealed stuff about things. Nowhere in our wildest dreams did we ever think that 70% of studies would actually be effective.”
The President of the University of Berkeley was quick to commended the achievement. “For years we have performed studies with no thought to their effectiveness or purpose, but no more. This study represents an important landmark in demonstrating the power of getting money and spending it and publishing results. I commend our dedicated team of researchers for such a significant milestone.”
Not surprisingly, Liberals were quick to jump all over this study pointing out that just because 70% of studies advanced human knowledge, there is no reason to discount the 30% that are factually useless.
“There is no doubt that this is an important landmark study” commented White House press secretary Robert Gibbs during his daily conference. “But let’s not lose sight of the remaining studies that are performed each year that are utterly without value. For example, take the recent study which demonstrated that married people are more likely to gain weight or the one which showed that if you stay up late watching TV you’re likely to get less sleep. These studies represented over $60 million dollars in grant money and are as fundamentally useless as any thing performed by any human being has a right to be. The results are so glaringly obvious that you could conclude that the scientists had no interest in advancing human thought whatsoever. However, without these bizarrely transparent glimpses into common sense, we would never know that young children don’t like spending significant time in intensive care”
Republicans were equally quick to jump on the story. Rush Limbaugh devoted half his show to the results, saying “Jews women bend over white supremacy Glenn Beck Obama-fascism, I don’t actually understand socialism, hate America, laughing at you loser fan base from my $20 million mansion. Also crazy hate spew filth”
But at the end of the day, Dr. McGarnagle isn’t looking to push any agenda.
“The last thing I set out to do was encourage less or more studies of any kind. I simply had an idea that some studies showed things and thought, why not? Surely someone would pay for this and then I’d have something to do for 6 years. It’s win-win.”
“Booyah” he added.