My life at Riverdale

March 30, 2010

Feb 22

Well, we’re done the move and I just spent my first day in Riverdale.  I’m still pretty bummed to leave Toronto, all my friends were there and I hated leaving.  I tried to tell my Dad any of this but he just started in a again about how this was a wonderful opportunity and blah blah blah.  I can’t even find Riverdale on a map.  Tomorrow is my first day at school, I’m not really looking forward to it.  I’ve barely seen any kids since I’ve been here, I don’t know where they would all be.  This place sucks.

Feb 23

This place is fucked up.  So I had my first day at school today and get this – my teacher’s name is Mrs. Grundy.   What the fuck kind of name is that?  She introduced me to the class but halfway through some red haired kid came flying in with a fucking german shepherd behind him while some monstrously obese man yelled at him.  I was honestly kind of freaked out but the whole class barely reacted.  The red haired kid took this crazy fucking spill over the desk and I could have sworn I heard his spine break but I guess he was fine.  The huge fat guy (apparently our principle) just said “See you in Detention, Andrews”.  I still have no fucking clue how the dog fit in or really what happened.

I tried to make some friends later – there was a cute girl named Betty in my class and I tried to joke with her – “Mrs. Grundy” I said after class “More like Mrs. Cunty!”  I was referring to the homework she gave us.  Betty just looked at me and said that I shouldn’t say mean things about people. 


Feb 24

 Oh man, that Andrews again.  We were in science (with Prof. Flutesnoot no less.  Honestly, this town is 10 types of fucked) doing an experiment and we were working with hydrated piric acid.  Anyway that numb fuck starts mixing in some normally stable perchlorate but he heated them first!  Needless to say the resulting explosion took out half the wall.  So a couple things.

1. Why the fuck do grade 11 students have unsupervised access to explosive materials at this school?  In Canada, we were allowed to mix baking soda with coke.
2. One girl in the class was horribly burned but as far as I can tell there’s going to be no investigation or criminal proceedings. That fat fuck Weatherbee (THE FUCK IS WITH THESE NAMES?) just said Andrews had more detention. For blowing up a wall. And potentially killing a student. Honestly, how is that not practically a terrorist act?

I tried to make a joke to Betty – “Man, that Andrews kid is a fucktard” I said, but she just said that “Ronnie” (don’t know what that is) got asked to the dance and burst into tears.

Aside – I’m not 100% positive but I think there’s a dance every weekend.

Hate this place.

Feb 25
I went to this place after school called “The Chocolate Shoppe” which I guess is where all the kids hang out. All they did eat hamburgers and again that shithead Andrews was there and he broke a couple of glasses before falling off a stool. I think maybe he’s an alcoholic because what else can explain his behaviour? I guess that’s kind of cool.

This guy Jugwhore was there, remorselessly eating what seemed to be 15 hamburgers. It was kind of disgusting. He’d power through 3 and then go to the bathroom and I’m almost positive he was throwing up. Whatever I guess.

I talked to Betty some more to see if anything exciting ever happens here. She said last week Bruce Sprungstone came to town. I don’t know who that is and I told her so. She just rattled off a list of random names – Tina Torner, Tom Cruisemore, Bratt Pidd. I.. I think she might be simple. I asked her if I could text her and she didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked if I could friend her on Facebook but then she asked if “Ronnie” (I think that’s a person) put me up to this and ran off.

As we were talking, Andrews fell through a plate glass window, again with no reaction. I think his father must be the mayor or something.

Mar 1
So get this. Apparently in addition to being a moron, Andrews is some kind of boy detective or something. These dudes stole a Panda from the local zoo – which is fucked because as far as I can tell, Riverdale is an average sized town of like 50,000 people so I have no idea why they have a zoo, nor how they managed to score an endangered species for an exhibit. Whatever.

Anyhow, they stole the panda and Andrews and his buddy Jarhead somehow foiled the crooks (that’s honestly the word the local paper used – Panda thieves foiled) and rescued something and the city was all over how awesome that was and then during the parade in his honor (??) he somehow released the brakes on one of the floats and killed 4 people.


I’ve started to talk to my Dad about moving back, job or no job because this place is crazy.  When I bumped into Betty I said “Archie Andrews is a clumsy fucking menace and if he so much as looks crosseyed at me I’m going to fucking kick his balls so hard they explode out of the back of his goddamn pants”.  She burst into tears and later that day the principal gave me detention. 

Fuck this place.

Mar 19
Sorry for not writing in awhile, I just got out of the hospital. Long story short, I was lost at school, so I asked this girl Midge for directions. Next thing I know this huge behemoth of a guy comes up behind me and says “You’re talking to my girl!” Before I can say anything, he starts whaling on me. He finally stopped, but I was already unconscious. He broke my jaw, three of my ribs, gave me a black eye and a mid to severe concussion. I didn’t come to for about 36 hours. The doctors say I’ll never fully recover vision in one eye and I have these crazy headaches.

Anyway, I’m pressing charges, my Dad is pretty supportive but he doesn’t think it’s going to go anywhere. I guess this Moose fuck is some football star and the entire town just kind of looks the other way at his rampant violent abuses both against other people and his girlfriend.

This town licks balls.


New details about Cheney torture plot

May 4, 2009

From Cnn:

New information has unsurfaced which could further incriminate the Bush administration in the ongoing torture investigations.  Following his promise to bring transparency and accountability to the White House, President Obama has released more classified memos which go into greater detail around Dick Cheney’s secret torture agenda and the lengths the US government went to with programs designed to secure US boarders.  Specifically, reporters have now learned about something dubbed the “Weapon X” initiative – a highly secret government training program which was executed in the early days following the 9/11 attacks. 

The Weapon X program was apparently designed to create a breed of “super soldiers” in the war against terrorism, although the specifics of how this would be accomplished was never made clear in the memo.  Indeed, even if one super solider was successfully created and killed a terrorist every single hour for one full year,  that would only eliminate 25% of the problem. 


Well, this all seems in order

Well, this all seems in order

Lt. William Stryker, the mastermind behind the controversial initiative, spoke at a brief press conference today:
“On the question of so-called torture, we don’t do torture.  We never have. It’s not something that this administration subscribes to.  Again, we proceeded very cautiously.  We checked. We had the Justice Department issue the requisite opinions in order to know where the bright lines were that you could not cross.  And they were very clear.  Injecting 200 pounds of superheated liquid metal of unknown origin into an already mentally unstable superhuman with the sole purpose of turning him into a indestructible killing machine is not torture.

The professionals involved in that program were very, very cautious, very careful — wouldn’t do anything without making certain it was authorized and that it was legal.  And any suggestion to the contrary is just wrong.  Did it produce the desired results?  I think it did.  And although we cannot pinpoint with any certainty the exact whereabouts of Weapon X and it’s a given that were he ever to have access to any of us, he would kill us all without remorse or pity, I still believe we made the right choice.

I think, for example, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who was the number three man in al Qaeda, the man who planned the attacks of 9/11, provided us with a wealth of information.  There was a period of time there, three or four years ago, when about half of everything we knew about al Qaeda came from that one source.  Granted, the majority of that information came from a telepath who can turn her skin into diamond, so really, that’s not one for Weapon X.  But we got what we wanted, hah?  So, it’s been a remarkably successful effort. I think the results speak for themselves. 

And I think those who allege that we’ve been involved in torture, or that somehow we violated the Constitution or laws with the Weapon X program, simply don’t know what they’re talking about.  Also, the experiments were done in Canada with a Canadian, so honestly.  Who cares?  It’s about time they got some skin in the game”

Canadian officials did not specifically comment on the program which went on right under their noses, however they did remark that it happened somewhere in the Rockies in Northern Vancouver and pointed out they have no clue what kind of shit goes on up there. 

The public remains divided on this issue with 60% supporting light to medium torture if it’s done by Kiefer Sutherland or someone who looks like Kiefer Sutherland.  45% also believe it’s fully justified if “there’s no time, damnit!” or “that’s my daughter!  Don’t tell me about protocol!”

On the question of performing painful medical experiments of suspect morality on a minority group with a .005% success rate, and no clearly articulated goals beyond “stopping all evil” 87% of Republicans are in full support.

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Reluctant Batman

March 10, 2009

His Father read stories of The Batman to him, like any good Father should.  He was raised on tales of billionaire ninja orphan crime fighters who wore pajamas and hung around in caves with 10 year old boys.   This was all normal to him.  He knew the stories inside and out – boy sees parents gunned down, boy (rather than devote his billions of dollars to assisting existing, proven crime fighting institutions like the police) decides to take the law into his own hands, boy places too much emphasis on flying rodents.  It was a common tale to him.  The Batman was his hero.

So when his own parents were killed in a bank hostage situation, he knew what he had to do.  Devote his life to beating up criminals and leaving them tied up in front of police stations with clever notes that somehow made a pun out of their crimes (these guys were trying to steal a diamond – I put them “on ice”!)


The problem was he had no real desire to become a crime fighter, or dress up in tights.  Certainly, he was very depressed after losing his parents, but after engaging a very professional therapist (thank you Dr. Carver!) he was able to overcome many of his issues.  He realized that while the individual men who shot his parents were directly responsible, “crime” per se, was not.  Many criminals were in fact victims of demographics.  They were to be pitied and helped through progressive liberal outreach programs!  He volunteered at one!

Nonetheless, he must beat them without mercy.

He lacked many of the advantages that Bruce Wayne had.  Size.  Athletic ability.  Any particular aptitude for anything.  Basic reasoning skills.  Money.  But he couldn’t let these things stand in his way.  He couldn’t let his parents down.

One of his last memories of his Father was (of course) reading a Batman story together.  It was Detective Comics # 275 where Batman becomes a Zebra.  After they finished the thrilling tale, he turned to his Father.  “Where does Batman live Daddy?  Can I meet him?”  His Dad just chuckled.

“Batman is… fiction son.  This – ” he pointed to all the Batman memorabilia in the room “is just for play.  It’s carnival.  You know Batman isn’t real right?”  The boy chuckled and rolled over for sleep.

“Son?” his father wouldn’t stop talking “I’m serious.  Don’t think this is real.  Never try to avenge my death through vigilantism.”

He went to sleep that night feeling safer than he ever had.  Until criminals (well, not criminals exactly according to Dr. Carver.  Republican policies that widen the gap between the rich and poor were to blame.  Whatever) took his parents away. 

Years later, he was ready.  Sort of ready.  He wasn’t really into this exactly, but he did what he had to.  He had spent some time studying martial arts movies while he went to community college.  He watched all the Batman movies over and over again.  They were terrible.  He didn’t have a wise butler, but his wise landlord told him that his pipes were probably clogged because he kept flushing tuna down kitchen sink.  It was a very good point and he took from it what he could.

The first night he went out to face the criminal elements (well, not criminal.  Victims of their own fear as Dr. Carver would go on to say.  Fear of success.   Compelling and rich analysis) dressed in the mantle of his hero.  While he couldn’t afford one of the real batman costumes that were on ebay, he was able to fashion a mask out of old rain boots.  He was ready.

He went to the worst part of town and prowled the streets looking for action in his bat-shaped boot mask.  The denizens of the night did not disappoint and he was very quickly accosted by an unfortunate.

“Gimme your cake” said a transient, waving a switchblade at him.

“Your move punk” the boy said and took a long, overhand swing at the disadvantaged’s head.  He missed by a mile and the economically-challenged stabbed him in the elbow.  The boy cried out in pain and dropped to the pavement.  Dropped just like his parents must have when they were shot for being in the wrong place (in front of those bullets) at the wrong time (when they were fired).

“Father…” he wept up at the uncaring sky as the differently-wealth-distributed gentleman rifled through his pockets.  “Forgive me…”

He went through 2 surgeries to repair his tendons and a further 8 months of physical therapy.  He was laid off from his job at the pizza warehouse as he couldn’t meet the physical demands of the job.  The sacrifice was worth it.

He didn’t ever go back to direct crime fighting, but he felt like with the effort he had made his father proud.  He stopped seeing Dr. Carver and he won his victories against crime where he could.  He didn’t give his change to the homeless anymore and when the policemans association would call for donations, he would only half-heartedly tell them to go fuck themselves.  He was healing.  He was better.

He just wasn’t The Batman.