Bob’s first day at Swordfish Inc.

July 12, 2009

(Int. Swordfish Inc. – a young programming start up company.  It is Bob’s first day of work.   He is sitting at his desk.  He doesn’t know what to do)

(His manager Stanley Jobson walks up behind him.  Stanley bears a striking resemblance to Hugh Jackman)

Stanley:  How’s it going, sport?

Bob: .. um.  Good?  I guess?

Stanley: Well listen, we like to get right down to it here, so if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask.

Bob: Yeah, good.  Actually, I do have a couple questions about this setup and my role here.

Stanley: Hit me Bob.  I want to help.

Bob: Okay, well for starters, my desk is… ah… a little cluttered.

Stanley:  That’s top of the goddamn line technology staring you in the face Bob. 

Bob: Right, I get that, but I was hired as a mainframe programmer?  Specifically COBOL?

Stanley: … and?

Bob: Okay, so I don’t want to rock the boat here, but I don’t actually need nine monitors.

bob's workstation

Technology staring Bob in the face. Not pictured - three more monitors

Stanley: (confused) This is how we roll here Bob.   It’s nine goddamn monitors, or it’s nothing.

Bob: Right, but what do half of them even do?  Like this one (points) – it’s just displaying random binary code, which even assuming I could read binary, it’s scrolling at a near unreadable-speed.  AND, I can’t read binary.

Stanley: I-

Bob: And this one.  It’s just displaying the file structure of my C: drive.  Which I can pretty easily get on my main screen.  Using like command prompt or explorer.  Nor is that information I need constantly displayed.

Stanley: Look Bob, here at Swordfish Inc., we give you the tools you require to succeed-

Bob: I don’t need three keyboards.  I can only type on one at a time.  I can’t simultaneously type on three keyboards.  And how many hard drives to I actually have?  Five?  So two hard drives are just random storage with no keyboards?  And are they even hooked up to monitors?

Stanley: Listen Bob, I’m trying to promote an environment –

Bob: And sorry, but what the fuck is that spinning cube on monitor six.

bob's nightmare

Bob's worst nightmare

Stanley: Like that?  It’s a graphical model that shows how close your program is to completion.  Every time you compile your code, the graphical model interprets the number of errors and attempts to redraw itself based on that.  The closer you get, the more cubes show up over top of the cubes.

Bob:  Are you being serious?

Stanley:  (proudly) I programmed that myself.

Bob:  How fucking long did that take you?

Stanley: Dunno.  19 months I guess.  Give or take.

Bob:  Does it even work with COBOL?

Stanley:… no.  No, probably not.  In fact, it only works with the one program I was writing at the time.  I’m not sure it works with anything else.  But Bob, that’s your first step here at Swordfish Inc.

Bob:  What.

Stanley:  Before we start any programming exercise here, we first write another program that graphically interprets how close our second program is to completion.

Bob: ….

Stanley: Straight up.

Bob:  So I can’t just use xpediter?

Stanley:  Is it a graphical syntax interpreter?

Bob:  (deep sigh) You know Stanley, I don’t believe it is.

Stanley:  You’re in the big leagues now kid.  So get down to work – writing that payroll system.  But first things first.  Don’t forget to write that graphical compiler interpreter.

Bob: Uh huh.

Stanley:  And Jesus, have some wine.  And program standing up.  And listen to easy beat techno.  This is how we do it in the pro’s kid.

Bob:  O…kay.  Hey, do you ever write design specs before you start cod-

Stanley: Great to have you on the team Bob!  You need anything, I’ll be finding out a way to cram more monitors onto your workstation.

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New details about Cheney torture plot

May 4, 2009

From Cnn:

New information has unsurfaced which could further incriminate the Bush administration in the ongoing torture investigations.  Following his promise to bring transparency and accountability to the White House, President Obama has released more classified memos which go into greater detail around Dick Cheney’s secret torture agenda and the lengths the US government went to with programs designed to secure US boarders.  Specifically, reporters have now learned about something dubbed the “Weapon X” initiative – a highly secret government training program which was executed in the early days following the 9/11 attacks. 

The Weapon X program was apparently designed to create a breed of “super soldiers” in the war against terrorism, although the specifics of how this would be accomplished was never made clear in the memo.  Indeed, even if one super solider was successfully created and killed a terrorist every single hour for one full year,  that would only eliminate 25% of the problem. 


Well, this all seems in order

Well, this all seems in order

Lt. William Stryker, the mastermind behind the controversial initiative, spoke at a brief press conference today:
“On the question of so-called torture, we don’t do torture.  We never have. It’s not something that this administration subscribes to.  Again, we proceeded very cautiously.  We checked. We had the Justice Department issue the requisite opinions in order to know where the bright lines were that you could not cross.  And they were very clear.  Injecting 200 pounds of superheated liquid metal of unknown origin into an already mentally unstable superhuman with the sole purpose of turning him into a indestructible killing machine is not torture.

The professionals involved in that program were very, very cautious, very careful — wouldn’t do anything without making certain it was authorized and that it was legal.  And any suggestion to the contrary is just wrong.  Did it produce the desired results?  I think it did.  And although we cannot pinpoint with any certainty the exact whereabouts of Weapon X and it’s a given that were he ever to have access to any of us, he would kill us all without remorse or pity, I still believe we made the right choice.

I think, for example, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who was the number three man in al Qaeda, the man who planned the attacks of 9/11, provided us with a wealth of information.  There was a period of time there, three or four years ago, when about half of everything we knew about al Qaeda came from that one source.  Granted, the majority of that information came from a telepath who can turn her skin into diamond, so really, that’s not one for Weapon X.  But we got what we wanted, hah?  So, it’s been a remarkably successful effort. I think the results speak for themselves. 

And I think those who allege that we’ve been involved in torture, or that somehow we violated the Constitution or laws with the Weapon X program, simply don’t know what they’re talking about.  Also, the experiments were done in Canada with a Canadian, so honestly.  Who cares?  It’s about time they got some skin in the game”

Canadian officials did not specifically comment on the program which went on right under their noses, however they did remark that it happened somewhere in the Rockies in Northern Vancouver and pointed out they have no clue what kind of shit goes on up there. 

The public remains divided on this issue with 60% supporting light to medium torture if it’s done by Kiefer Sutherland or someone who looks like Kiefer Sutherland.  45% also believe it’s fully justified if “there’s no time, damnit!” or “that’s my daughter!  Don’t tell me about protocol!”

On the question of performing painful medical experiments of suspect morality on a minority group with a .005% success rate, and no clearly articulated goals beyond “stopping all evil” 87% of Republicans are in full support.

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Stormtrooper Orientation Guide

April 28, 2009

So you’ve decided to become a Stormtrooper. And by “decided” we mean “had no choice but” as you’re a clone with no free will. Please take a moment to read through a FAQ we’ve prepared to help you through this period.

1. Oh god. Where am I? What’s happening?
Calm down! You’re just awakening in your cloning pod. Your memories will be wiped shortly and you will become a souless automaton serving in the Empires army as a Stormtrooper.

2. Stormtrooper eh?  When do I get paid?
You’re clones. You’re basically slaves. You don’t get paid.

3. Okay fine.  I am a part-time employee. When do I get paid?
There is no such thing as a part-time Stormtrooper.  You are a clone-slave.  You don’t get paid.  Ever.

4. Who can I call if I have questions regarding my benefits, my pay, or need an interpretation of workplace policies or procedures?
You have no benefits or pay.  You’re a cloneslave.  Any misinterpretations in workplace policies will result in immediate force-strangulation*

*If there is no manager available with knowledge of the force you will be pushed from an airlock.  It’s just best not question any policies.

5. What did you do to me?
Nothing.  Almost nothing.  You’re a clone created from your own DNA.  Every second of your existence is a horrible, mute reminder of the dead-eyed puppet you’ve become and must be constantly surrounded by.  Every friendship or relationship with your fellow stormtroopers will be tainted by the fact that you all look alike and will be tempted to masturbate together.  This is frowned on.

6. God.  GOD!  Why would you do this?  How does this even make us an effective fighting unit?
We’re the Empire, we’re totally evil.

7. Am I eligible to participate in 401 (k) and, if so, how do I enroll?
You are eligible to participate immediately.  You become eligible for company matching contributions beginning the first of the month after 12 months of service with at least 1000 hours worked during that period and at least 4 (four) confirmed Rebel kills.  You have the option to enroll via the telephone voice response unit or the Website

8. How does The Empire support Stormtroopers who contribute in their community?
Well.. mostly we don’t.  We’re kind of a repressive regime, you know?  Most other stormtroopers contribute to the community by not shooting people directly in the face.

9. Speaking of shooting people in the face, when will I go through marksmanship training?
Never, as you are expected to have genetically inherited the marksmanship skill from yourself, although it should be mentioned that you barely were able to hit anything successfully. Any off-hours training will have to come from your own pocket.

10. With the money I don’t have because you refuse to pay me.

11. When are my benefits effective?
(sigh) You have no benefits (see #4)

12. Does my armor actually protect me from laser fire?
No.  No, it doesn’t.  It actually doesn’t protect you from anything, including sticks thrown by 3-foot teddy bears.

13. Then why wear it?
We paid for like 30 billion up front from those stupid cloning fish fucks so we’re more or less obligated to use them.

14. When will I receive my Benefit Enrollment packet to select the benefit plans I wish to participate in? How do I enroll in benefits?
You are automatically ineligible for benefits because you’re a fucking clone.  How are you not getting this?  You.  Have.  No.  Benefits.  Fuck.  We’re not paying benefits to what is essentially a glorified meat shield.  You could be replaced by a burlap sack filled with ham with a rifle attached to it.  There are no fucking benefits.

15. Am I eligible for Tuition Reimbursement?
Potentially, yes.  Discuss with your manager whether you are eligible under the Tuition Reimbursement Program and if he or she will support your application.

16. How long do I have to stay in my current position to be eligible to apply for new job opportunities within the Empire?
A minimum of 12 months with a satisfactory job performance review.  There are several opportunities for advancement, be it snow storm trooper, or giant red special gay Stormtrooper that protects the Emperor

17. So that’s it then?  I’m a fucking clone with no rights who is just there to absorb laser fire?
Yes, pretty much.

18. So when can I apply for benefits?
We’re all done here.

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Billy Bob Thornton trampoline meltdown

April 14, 2009

(transcript of Interview with Billy Bob Thornton and Brent Neville – DJ for 102.9 Q zone out of Manitoba for the Trampoline Hour – the only news show for trampoline enthusiasts)

Brent: And we’re back. We’re talking to Billy Bob Thornton, the front man for the country-rock fusion quartet the Boxmasters. Having totally failed to conquer one industry, he’s back pursuing his second love – trampolining. Billy Bob, welcome to the show. It’s a great pleasure to talk to you.

Billy Bob : grunts

Brent: Let’s cut right to the chase. Which trampoline has inspired you the most through your career?

Billy Bob: I don’t… I don’t understand what you mean.

Brent: Well, was it JumpSport? HopSpring? FunBounce? BigLeap? SpringJump? BounceLeap? BigSport? AllyJump?

Billy Bob: I really don’t understand the question.

Brent: O..kay. Um. Which trampoline are you using right now? Like in your own home, what do you bounce on?

Billy Bob: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Brent: Okay well like me personally, I’m no professional, but I start off in the morning with a SoftBounce system to warm up. Later, I’ll move on to my 10×17 2 spring Econo-Bounce model, and when I really get into the groove I like to get things hopping with my Staged Variable Power Bounce.

Billy Bob: Meh

Brent: …

Billy Bob:

Brent: Um. Okay. Um. Alright. Can you talk about-

Billy Bob: Would you ask Von Boxmeyer if this was his second love?

Brent: What?

Billy Bob: If you had the world-renowned Trampoline Enthusiast Van Boxmeyer on the show, would you ask him if this was his second love?

Brent: Well have you – I mean, are you referring to my introduction when I referred to this as your second passion?

Billy Bob: That’s exactly what I’m referring to. I thought we weren’t going to mention my laughable singing career. I thought we weren’t going to talk about that .

Brent: I never received any specific instructions –

Billy Bob: I gave specific instructions to your producer not to talk about my joke of a failed music career. I just came on to talk about trampolining. You wouldn’t ask Van Boxmeyer if this was his hobby.

Brent: I’m just trying to provide context –

Billy Bob: You wouldn’t ask

Brent: I’m trying to provide context about how you’re such a huge musical joke and that’s the reason we’re even having you on a radio show about Trampolining. I’m happy to talk only trampolining with you. I’m happy to.

Billy Bob: This is bull is the thing.

Brent: Listen, we got off on the wrong foot. Can we call a truce? We’ll stick to talking about trampolines.

Billy Bob: Fine.

Brent: Okay. Now when you’re doing double bounces –

Billy Bob: Canadian audiences are garbage for trampolining too

Brent: Pardon? Hmm? It’s kind of a solo thing you know

Billy Bob: I’m up there and I’m used to trampolining in front of pretty rowdy crowds, my two cats and whatever strung out coked-up Thai hooker I’ve brought home that night. I mean they’re throwing things, Canadians are all mashed potatoes and no gravy.

Brent: Don’t you mean all steak and no sizzle?

Billy Bob:

Brent: Okay, I understand you’re going to put on a little demonstration for us, so our listeners can listen to you trampoline?

Billy Bob: No, I don’t haul around my trampoline at 6:00am in the morning. I’m just going to air-trampoline for 6 minutes.

Brent: Oh god

(six minutes of dead radio air time follow, intermittently interrupted by Billy Bob grunting and straining. In the background you can hear Brent swearing softly)

Brent: Okay, we’re out of time. Billy Bob, thanks for taking the time to… what? Be on the show I guess? I’m mostly sorry you couldn’t be here today.

Home run

December 13, 2008

One of the more challenging roles for a serious actor is to play a character who is handicapped.  How do you realistically portray the lifelong struggle and quiet bravery that can often accompany a limiting physical disability?  While it can be one of the more difficult roles, it can also be the most rewarding.

On the flip side, you can star in a football movie.  Talent required?  None.  There have been a lot of actors who have tried on the role, these are the top 11 fictional quarterbacks of all time.  As is the case with any list that I produce, this is based on science and are quantified rankings.  This is non-debatable.

#11 Any Given Sunday – Jamie Foxx

Pictured - historically inaccurate mustache

Pictured – historically inaccurate mustache

I also didn’t buy that he came in for like a game and a half and all of a sudden was on the cover of every magazine.  Or wait… did I miss the subtext?  Were they so astounded that a QB could be successful and have a mustache?  Because that makes sense.  Shit, that was pretty subtle though.
Realism Factor: 4 / 10

#10 That one episode of the Simpsons where Bart is in a football league- Nelson

Ha ha indeed, non-football Nelson

Ha ha indeed, non-football Nelson

Nelson is probably humanity’s finest quarterback.  He has an arm like a rocket, he can run the ball, he can block for himself, and apparently he can run fast enough to receive his own passes.  He doesn’t rely on the razzle dazzle, he’s very much an old school player who moves the ball by sheer force of will.  The rest of the team is really just there to pour Gatorade on him after he wins the game.

Having said that, he loses a ton of points for being a cartoon and also I think they make reference to him being a smoker.  QB’s do not smoke.
Realism Factor: 5 / 10

#9 Something about Mary – Brett Favre

I can't believe he lost to this guy

I can’t believe he lost to this guy

I just didn’t buy him as a quarterback in this movie, mostly because he did very little quarterbacking.  While I can see him nailing Cameron Diaz, I can’t see him losing her to Ben Stiller.  He looked awkward out there, and it came across on screen.  If you put him in a real game, he’d probably be killed inside of the first 4 plays.  They should have gotten Vin Diesel.
Realism factor: 6/10

#8 Friday Night Lights, movie or TV show – ??

I refuse to search imdb for you, mystery quarterback

I refuse to search imdb for you, mystery quarterback

I saw the movie and barely remember it, something about one of the guys wanting his fathers respect and then he found his ring.  I never saw the TV show.  Regardless, whoever played this quarterback I think did a good job because I imagine that QB’s are always trying to earn their fathers respect and probably have trouble keeping track of their rings because you can’t wear a ring and throw a football at the same time.
Realism Factor: 6.5 / 10

#7 Keanu Reeves in the Replacements

You're saying I can throw footballs?

You’re saying I can throw footballs?

This one is difficult for me as I loves me some Keanu.  I think he’s a brilliant, expressive actor who brings layers of complexity to any role he’s in.  I’m also the only human on earth who feels this way. You know when you were a kid you had those moments where you’d look around and say “am I the only one who’s not a robot”?  and then you’d try to catch people turning into robots when you’re not looking?  Like you’d look away and then turn around really fast, and go “AH HA!” hoping to catch people in robot form?  But you never could?  That’s what it feels like to actually enjoy the acting of Keanu Reeves.

Am I the only one who did this?

Anyway – I can’t remember this movie very well, but in general Keanu is quite athletic and has a good QB build.
Realism Factor: 7 / 10

#6 Necessary Roughness – Scott Bakula

I totally forgot Sinbad was in this

I totally forgot Sinbad was in this

The first time I wrote this, I typed “Scott Baio” so I’m subtracting a ton of points for that.  I only buy Scott Baio as Chachi and Bob Loblaw, not as a QB.  To a much lesser extent I slightly buy him as Charles in charge of my days and my nights.  Scott Bakula has the same problem.  If he’s not quantum leaping into bodies, I don’t want to know about it.

As I recall this story (poorly!) it might have been the most unrealistic football movie ever made.  I think it also ripped off the plot from Major League pretty significantly.  Wasn’t there some scene where a Hawaiian guy ninja kicked a defenseman in the face?  Do they even let Hawaiian’s play football?  After some consideration though, I’m giving this some added points because I think I love this movie even though I don’t really remember watching it.
Realism Factor: 7 / 10

#5 Everybody’s all American – Dennis Quaid.

Probably a better pitcher

Probably a better pitcher

In your face Jamie Foxx!  Dennis Quaid is back baby, apparently in a romantic movie about football.  Wait, what?  Yeesh, I’m sure glad I never saw this.  For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to assume Dennis Quaid played the exact same character as he did in The Rookie, which was awesome.  He threw the shit out of that baseball and he was a pretty good math teacher!
Realism Factor: 7 / 10

#4 The Longest Yard (the new version) – Adam Sandler

Did somebody call for a rapist?

Did somebody call for a rapist?

I know, I should be using the original movie.  But I never saw it!  I tried to watch it, but could only get about 12 minutes in.  Burt Reynolds.  I don’t know man.  He just looks like a rapist.

I liked Adam Sandler as a quarterback, I really bought it.  You know that scene where he’s playing basketball and he keeps getting fouled, but he doesn’t call the foul and he’s all tough?  I could see a QB doing that.  I think he was also tired and world-weary which is how I picture a lot of QB’s to be who have been arrested and sent to jail.
Realism Factor: 8.5/10

#3 Best little whorehouse in Texas – ???

Not sure why Google returned this picture, but awesome

Not sure why Google returned this picture, but awesome

We know very little about the actor who played the quarterback in this movie.  I’m almost positive he is never mentioned by name.  We certainly never see him play football.  What we do know about him (whoever he is) is that he is quite an exceptional dancer, he has a great singing voice and he loves fucking shit-ugly hookers.
Realism Factor: 8.5 / 10

#2 Varsity Blues – James Van Der Beek

Dawson - totally not wanting your life

Dawson – totally not wanting your life

QB’s never want anyone’s life.
Realism Factor: 9.5/10

#1 The Last Boy Scout – Damon Wayans

This should get my career back on track

This should get my career back on track

This is another case where we don’t actually see the actor play any football so it’s tough to judge.  In fact, the only time we see him even throw a ball is when he’s trying to stop rape, or fight crime atop horseback, which aren’t exactly typical circumstances an average QB would find themselves in (except in razzle-dazzle horseback rape plays, or I-11 out of the shotgun).

Nonetheless, he certainly does fit the archetype mold for a QB – a disgraced drug addict who mortgaged his own future by selling out to the mob only to redeem himself by teaming up with a drunken, self-hating private detective in a failing marriage and then go on to stop a sniper by throwing him into a helicopter.

Make sense to me.
Realism Factor: 10/ 10

Mercy and new content is for the weak

November 13, 2008

Today’s feature – written by DENING! 

So was watching the Karate kid on AMC this week. Also found out the bad ‘remake’ news that they’re revamping it with Will Smith’s little kid.  Bad enough that there will be no ‘riding that Happy Days wave of fame’ awesome Myagi ‘Pat’ Morita or the ‘endless youth’ of a 32 year old
Macchio in his prime, but could the ruin it worse with bad casting ? Let’s throw in Martin Lawrence as the hip-hop sensei too.
D.J. Jazzy Myagi anyone?
Watching the original I noticed much like Rocky IV it possesses a wealth of great catchy montage music set to an underdog combatent’s training.  Joe Esposito’s “You’re the best” has got to be up there with the Graham Bros slow build Rocky IV training montage. I may start ‘working out’ to it.
Seriously – give it a listen – it’ll put a little ‘fuck-ya’ into your step.
I especially love that ‘Lamar’ from Revenge of the Nerds is the token black Cobra Kai that gets smoked by Daniel-san in the first fight.  I’ve only seen that guy in the aforementioned movies and Iron Eagle, but in each he was barely a lisp away from being recast as a girl.   ‘Token’s’
mom also must’ve had to pay extra for him to get into a class with no-pussy’s allowed Kreese. Speaking of… you’ve got to assume that NO Cobra Kai student ever actually had a parent meet that teacher.
“What do you teach at your school?”
“Some Karate… And that mercy is for the weak.”
“Right…so I make the check out to ‘Cobra Kai’ then?”
Something else I don’t get: So Ralph Macchio’s character is from Newark, New Jersey right? 
Newark!  Uh… wasn’t that like one the crime capitals of The States back in 1984.  Police don’t even drive around in Newark – they just get NYC choppers to do fly by’s.  I swear they actually have billboards all over the city about the crime rates.
How the hell did this Guinea kid from Jersey run into any problems with Johnny, Bobby, Dutch and those other blond fops from the “Valley”.
They should of been his bitches.
…Then I remember – he was built like Ralph Macchio.
Question: Is there a bigger group of douchebags in any other teen movie? Even The Soc’s weren’t as big of assholes as The Kai.
Just sayin’.
Sweep the leg.

I write the screenplays that make the whole world sing

August 27, 2008

In the alternate universe where I’m rich (and a jaguar), I’ve produced all the movies ever mentioned in Seinfeld. Only portions of the entire screenplays are available

Death Blow:
Death Blow: Don’t worry guys, I’ll handle this.
Jimmy: Don’t leave us here tied up in this warehouse, Death Blow!
Death Blow: There’s no time!! <runs out>
Billy: Damnit Jimmy, can’t you untie the ropes?
Jimmy: Can’t.. reach…
<sounds of fighting outside, explosions>
Billy: Oh man… we’re missing the Death Blow ™

The Pain and the Yearning:
Sarah: Oh god.. the pain.
Father Michaels: Speak to God about what’s in your heart Sarah.
Sarah: It hurts so much Father… how can I retain my faith?
Father Michaels: God doesn’t give what he also doesn’t take away. Your son died because of your awful, whoring ways.
Sarah: Yes… yes. I see that now. And my cervical cancer?
Father Michaels: Tangentially related to the whoring, yes.
Sarah: <closeup with tear rolling down one cheek> Oh the pain. How I yearn for it to end.

Prognosis: Negative
Ron: Oh God.
Julie: Don’t worry Honey, I’m sure the results are fine.
Ron: I can’t handle the waiting, I have to call.
Julie: Just don’t be a dick on the phone like you normally are.
Ron: Fine, fine. <calling>
Nurse: Dr. Feldman’s office, how may I help you?
Ron: This is Ron Timbersall? I’m calling about the results of my test.
Nurse: We don’t normally give test results over the phone.
Ron: Please… please. I can’t live a normal life. I can’t live, don’t you see that?
Nurse: Well you seem very sincere, mister Timberlake-
Ron: Timbersall.
Nurse: Of course. I’ll see what I can find.
Ron: She’s checking!
Julie: God bless America.
Nurse: Hello Mr. Timberstan-
Ron: Timbersall.
Nurse: Uh huh. I have your test results here. It’s um.. Prognosis: Negative. So-
Ron: OH GOD!
Julie: Is it positive? OH GOD IS IT POSITIVE?
Ron: Wait, what? No it’s negative.
Julie: Isn’t negative good?
Ron:… what? No.
Julie: I thought positive was bad, negative was good.
Ron: No. No, negative is bad because it’s my prognosis. If it were my diagnosis, negative would be good.
Julie: I.. see.
Ron: Right, so anyway.
Julie: OH GOD <wailing, gnashing of teeth>

Sack Lunch
Sack: Oh man, my lunch business is barely taking off.
Skooter: Yee Haw!
Sir Feld: What exactly is a “lunch” business anyway?

<In a traffic jam in the Chunnel. Secret Agent Stan Mansly gets out of the limo>
Stan: Shh. SHH. Quiet Goddamit, I’m trying to hear. Something isn’t right.
Marcy: Stan, what are you doing? Get back in the limo. As the president’s daughter, I demand your protection.
Stan: That’s what I’m trying to do missy. I know this chunnel like the back of my hand. Before I became a secret service agent assigned to protect the president’s daughter, I built this chunnel. I know every sound it makes.
Marcy: It’s just a traffic jam, Stan. Now get back in the limo.
<ominous creaking>
Stan: No. NO! Don’t you see!! It’s the cross beams!!! EVERYONE OUT OF THE CHUNNEL NOW!

Earl: I didn’t know you enjoyed chess your majesty
King: Why wouldn’t I?
Earl: Because… the King is always in jeopardy.
King: Yes. But it’s only a game.
Earl: <suspiciously > Yes, of course… a game.
<Note – actual dialogue from the TV show>

Coming up next week:
Agent Zero
Brown Eyed Girl
Chow Fun
Mountain High
Cry, Cry Again
The Muted Heart
The Other side of Darkness