Canada vs the US Part IV

November 12, 2009

Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Today’s battle: Nickelback vs. Creed

It would be all to easy to let this comparison degenerate into an inarticulate rant about the general state of music, how quality has steadily declined since MTV stopped showing videos and how the industry stifles any originality whatsoever. 

Because it would be easy, that’s what I’m going to do.  Consistent with the music of Nickelback and Creed there will not be one shred of originality or creativity within this entire comparison.  I’m banging this thing out by the numbers and I barely care about the results.  Queue power chord.

Lead Singers
Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp are two human beings who were born of women and age in a linear fashion in the sense that they get older consistent with the forward progression of time.

Both play an instrument called a guitar which produces sound by means of vibrating a steel string over a gaping hole in a piece of wood.  They both play this instrument at a higher skill level than say, a five year old with no hands and no access to a guitar.

Both claim to write music inasmuch that several notes (recognized by humans as a combination of pitch, tone and velocity) are played in succession to achieve a result.

They’re both kind of douchebags that no real person who ever would want to spend time with.

Only one effectively converts oxygen to carbon dioxide, the other kind of struggles.

Winner: Nickelback

Hobbies
Typically humans divide their activities into different subject areas.  Broadly these would be work, hobbies and other.  Oddly, activities like “watching TV” which can take up to as much as 15% of your time is never classified as a hobby. 

Regardless, as having “hobbies” is considered to be a fairly routine part of day to day life, it is assumed both Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp have hobbies and maybe they enjoy them. 

Winner: Creed

Music
Both bands have achieved some degree of success in playing multiple instruments simultaneously while one or more members of the band uses their own vocal chords to augment regular speech by the use of tonality and rhythm.  This provides a counter-melody to the noises coming out of the various pieces of equipment.  Very often, the member of the band singing will string together several words in the attempt to form a coherent narrative that would stir emotion in the listener.  Very often, they will fail.

Creed is notable for imitating certain types of bands while Nickelback has been observed to imitate different bands that are basically all the same band.

Both bands are reported to have drums although I have not confirmed this.

Humans have collectively bought 35 million shiny pieces of circular plastic containing compressed data which, when used correctly with a type of electronic device, will replicate the noise generated by both bands.  Apparently this is something done for enjoyment by some humans, presumably those with only a passing knowledge of what music actually is.  For example, it has been theorized that if a person has only been exposed to three bands (Nickelback, Creed and 50 Cent) then it’s not outside the realm of possibility that they would consider Nickelback and Creed to be within acceptable auditory thresholds.

Winner: Nickelback

Critical Reception
There are a group of people who are paid money to listen to things done by people like this and then write about what they thought about it and then they also tell other people if they should enjoy it.

These people, generally, do not care for either Nickelback or Creed. 

Winner: Nickelback

Well that certainly was blandly inoffensive and certainly didn’t push the comedy envelope at all.  I guess if you had to pick a winner between these two bands, you’d have to go with Nickelback.  As always, these rankings are scientific and not subject to argument.


I don’t know how I feel about this

September 17, 2009

Inasmuch as I don’t have a “style” on this blog, I typically don’t break the third wall.  Is it the fourth wall?  I write articles with no personal voice and I don’t break a wall.  Please let me know which wall it is.  Nonetheless, whatever thing it is I don’t break, I’m going to break now.

I want to talk about Glee.

Like everyone else, I have agreed that Glee is the best new show on TV.  Oh sure, there are some people who don’t agree.  Typically, these people are convicted rapists and people who wish to rape.  Rapists are a contrarian lot who don’t care for the magic of show tunes.  This is why they feel compelled to rape and not like Glee.  Bastards, the whole lot of them.

Like all of you, I watched the season premiere of Glee and was not initially impressed.  First there was the one-dimensional characters, some of whom only existed to advance the paper-thin plot.  Then the deus ex machina’s at every turn.  Truly horrible, horrible writing.  But then.. the songs.  Can I love a show on the strength of cover tunes alone?   God help me, it turns out I can.

The premiere episode came together with the cover of “don’t stop believing” by Journey.  As it turns out, you could release any TV show pilot you wanted to, and if the first episode featured a cover of “dont’ stop believing” I would probably hooked for another 40 or so episodes.  Such is the power of that song.   I’ve sat through five horrendous seasons of Lost just on the off chance Kate would take off her shirt.  Imagine if after the first monster attack Charlie ripped it up with Don’t Stop Believing?  I wouldn’t even need a Kate.

So imagine my horror when I found out that the fantastically arranged cover they did of this classic song was ripped off from a fucking mini-pops CD.  Not the song itself obviously, but the harmonies, the way the song was put together, everything.  Is someone getting sued for this?  Do the minipops have lawyers or all they all just orphans?

I don’t know how to feel.

You might be asking yourself – why was I listening to the minipops in the first place?  Honestly, that’s not something I want to get into.  Let’s just allow that there was a compelling reason for me to download 22 different covers of “Don’t Stop Believing” and listen to them all in one night.  The important thing to remember here is that Glee 100% ripped off minipops.  For some reason.

Minipops version (click play) (it’s song 18.)  It was released like 19 months before Glee. 

Glee ripped off version

Long story short – I’m not sure I can watch Glee anymore. 

Update

I’ve explained this situation to my wife – “GA!  Glee ripped off Minipops!  FUCK!”.   I may have mentioned the government somewhere in there.

Terrifyingly, she doesn’t see the big deal.  She doesn’t even know why I bother taking to her.  I think I may also have to quit my marriage.  I can’t explain why this is a big deal.  You are either a type of person who understands why this ruins the show or you are my wife.  Please pick sides.

Update 2

According to Amazon, the Minipops CD wasn’t released until Sept 1, 2009, meaning the Glee version came first.  BUT!  They don’t just write these things the day before they release, they plan first.  This means that both versions probably were conceived at very close to the same time.  On the other hand, how long does it take to record a Minipops CD?  40 minutes?  I will continue to do research.


Self indulgent claptrap

September 11, 2009

I haven’t posted in awhile and this is the best I’ve got.  For a couple of songs, I’m going to provide a running commentary as my iPod randomly cycles through 3149 tunes. I will not skip any of them, no matter how intolerable.

I’m pumped to get this started. Here we go, I’m pressing the shuffle button.

Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls
Currently not ranked
I’m privately happily with this selection as a first pick, but I’m publically horrified that my very first sentence has to be a justification for having Indigo Girls on my iPod. Fine then. This is off their eponymous CD which represents their musical high point. I think they weren’t that brutal to listen to at this point and…

I’m not sure I can defend this. I have a vagina.

Aside – I used to love this song in high school which probably goes a long way to figuring out why I was always the “guy friend” that girls didn’t want to hook up with. It’s not actually because I was a great guy and they didn’t want to spoil the friendship. It’s just possible that I wasn’t a guy at all. Apparently the stench of guys who are sympathetic to chickrock turns off the babes.

Last nail in my coffin – I just gave this song a 4 star rank. Boom.

The Ice Storm by The Go! Team
Currently not ranked

I’m not even sure I know this song. The Go! Team is one of those bands I claim to love, but really I think I’ve only heard about 4 or 5 songs all the way through. This song isn’t that bad. It’s got no lyrics and the keyboards are a little grating, but I’m not hating it

Oh shit, this goes on for 5 minutes? It’s the same thing over and over again.

There are very few instrumental songs with slightly grating keyboards that can be tolerated for longer than 2 minutes. I’m not sure I have anything else to say about this song except I can’t wait for it to be over.

That said, I’m going to 3-star rank this because I think it’s unfair to penalize the whole EP for one song

Eyes Wide Open by Toad the Wet Sprocket
Currently not ranked

I think TTWS was 10 years before their time. If they released their music now, with the same stupid band name and grew some beards, they would be the darlings of the Indie set. Rock critics would write articles with headlines like “Toad the Wet Sprocket is Good to Get Flockhart (Crista)”. I guess I’m not sure what that article would have been about.

Too bad for them, they kind of have just aged like a watered down Goo Goo Dolls. And it’s really hard to water down Goo Goo Dolls to a lower level. I’d wedge them firmly between Soul Asylum and the Replacements.

This song is very standard of Toad. I am going to forget I heard it as soon as it’s over and will have no recollection of the melody. I will have no feelings associated with it either positive or negative.

A very neutral 3-star ranking.

German Studies by The Breeders
Currently not ranked
Okay, I might have to delete this entire CD off my iPod. This isn’t off Last Splash (the one with Cannonball and Divine Hammer that is awesome) this is off Mountain Battles which is their recent release that is mostly terrible.

Having said that, this song isn’t as awful as everything else on this CD, but I sure don’t have anything else to say about it.

I’m giving this 3 stars because it was okay.

Hardhearted by Amy Millan
3 star ranked
Oh god, I love you Amy Millan. Love you, love you, love you. Torquil, just stop singing and let Amy do all the work for Stars.

This song is not the strongest off Honey From The Tombs, but it’s not the worst either. I love the lack of emphasis in her voice. She sounds so washed out in every song.

“I have been beat, not defeated. Not bitter, not bound and not meek”. Great line, sung like she’s just crawled out of a whiskey bottle – a theme which is prominently featured through this entire CD.

I’m sticking with my original 3-star.
ps – I love you Amy. Please have my 2nd child.

Not Now by Blink 182
Currently not ranked
It’s funny that this song is off their greatest hits CD, yet as I flip through their greatest hits I mostly have never heard of any of the songs. Including this one. I’m positive this is the first time I’ve heard this, ever.

Like every Blink song it is instantly catchy and you can really hear Mark struggling on the guitar.
Wait.

Oh crap, it’s a Tom song. I hate Tom songs. There’s nothing worse than a band that shares singing duties but you hate one of the singers. It’s like the fat guy in the Goo Goo Dolls or when the Beatles would let Ringo sing a song. Or any of the girl songs in Arcade Fire. Oh god, awful. Tom is a terrible vocalist and should have never been let near a microphone

This song is like any other Tom song – a good song basically ruined because of Tom’s horrible whiney voice. It’s one of many reasons that Angels and Airwaves are so horrible.

This song is getting an angry 2-star for almost being good.

Low Gravity by The Acorn
Currently not ranked
Mental note – must clean up my iPod. The Acorn are this terrible Canadian folk rock band from Ottawa. This is actually one of the more tolerable songs that I might keep on due to the very interesting guitar, but in general, why are they even here?

God I hate folk rock. Who did I even think I was getting when I downloaded this? I think Genius pitched it to me because I have Bon Iver. You lose again Genius.

Ugh, this is going to be a long 3:32 minutes. If I ever met Steve Jobs I would simultaneously offer to felate him and punch him in the mouth. iPod raises very mixed feelings in me!!!

3-stars anyway for being the one good song on the CD

Baby’s in Black by The Beatles
Currently not ranked
One thing I’ve noticed about the iPod is once you add new music, at least some of it will show up in the first twenty songs of an all-song shuffle. Anyway, I just added this last night, and it’s a pretty good song. Apparently this song is in 6/8 time but at such a speed that it sounds like 3/4 time. There’s a statistic that has no meaning for me whatsoever. Does this make it a better song? I guess.

I don’t think I “get” the Beatles. Don’t tell anyone. I’m giving this three stars because I don’t want to be embarrassed.

To be continued?


Joke goes on too long category

August 10, 2009

Aaron Neville has been drinking. It is very late at night. He makes a phone call

Linda Ronstadt: Hello?

Aaron: Linda, it’s Aaron.

Linda: I love you

Aaron:  Yes.  I love you too.  How… how have you been?

Linda: I don’t know.  I don’t know much.  I know… I love you.

Aaron: Yes.  Agreed.  We are in love.  That’s what I was calling about.

Linda: Look at these eyes.

Aaron: I can’t.  We’re on the phone.

Linda: I love you.

Aaron: Yes.  Linda.  We really need to talk about this.  I know years ago we decided that knowing we loved each other was enough but… I’m sorry.  I think I need to know more.

Linda:  I love you?

Aaron: Life is too hard like this. Yesterday I think I went to the store for milk and I ended up driving for 300 miles until I ran out of gas.  I had forgotten where I was going because I don’t know much.

Linda: I.. love.  You?

Aaron: Linda, it’s killing me.  The only reason I was able to call you was because I’ve carved your phone number into my thigh.  I’ve enrolled in some adult-education classes to try and get my life into some kind of order.  For god sakes, I found myself agreeing with the Birthers.  That’s how little I know. 

Linda: Who is this?

Aaron: It’s me, Aaron Neville.

Linda: Aaron!  I love you!!

Aaron: I know.  God help me, I know.

He hangs up the phone, broken

Aaron: … what.. what was I just doing?


Canada vs. the US Part III

March 6, 2009

Part 2
Part 1

Today’s battle: Pink vs. Alanis Morissette

As I haven’t written about female singers before, I want to make sure everything is on the up and up.  I’ve asked my wife to proofread this entire post to ensure that I am not being sexist. It’s important to judge women by the quality of their music and not by how often they flash their boobs on stage, Courtney Love style (WifeNote – This isn’t exactly sexist so much as it is generally insulting. Just saying)

Great commentary!  Let’s get to it!

Pink vs. Alanis

Wikipedia Says:
ha ha ha I will crash and hang your browser!  DLL conflict!

I say
Whether you like Alanis or not, you can’t emphasize strongly enough the importance of Jagged Little Pill.   It sold something like 20 million copies worldwide and demonstrated that chicks (WifeNote – don’t call them chicks) can rock, especially if they’re singing about blowjobs (WifeNote – gross)

Comparing Pink to Alanis is kind of tricky then, because Pink probably wouldn’t have a career without Alanis.  Doesn’t this by default mean Alanis is better?  But to accept that logic, I would have to say that Attack of the Clones is better than Revenge of the Sith because one paved the way for the other.  But really, both are terrible.   (WifeNote – Just going to jump in here.  That is not really a valid comparison.  It barely makes sense)

Pink is a decent artist that originally got put into the Britney / Christina category when really she’s more a Chrissie Hynes kind of gal.   (WifeNote – Sorry, I can’t stop myself.  Don’t compare Pink to Chrissie Hynes.  It’s ridiculous.  Were you drunk when you wrote this?) (TheRogNote – A little!  Also, stick to sexism comments, and don’t tell me how to live) (WifeNote – Somebody should)  (TheRogNote – Okay!  Back to it then!)

Further handicapping any comparison is the fact that I’ve never listened to a Pink CD all the way through, nor have I listened to any Alanis beyond Jagged Little Pill.  This won’t stop me though.  I’m going right to the rankings.

Scoring Categories

Number of CD’s
Pink – Five
Alanis – Seven, but two were before Jagged Little Pill so don’t count.  I’m calling this one even at five a piece

Winner – Tie

Ability to Rock out

I saw Alanis live once and she was pretty dull.  I’m convinced she was drunk  and even a surprise visit by Prince couldn’t save the performance (WifeNote – That wasn’t Alanis, that was Cheryl Crow.  You’re remembering it wrong) (TheRogNote – I’m pretty sure I know the difference between Cheryl Crow and Alanis) (WifeNote – No, it was at Lillithfair.  It was Cheryl Crow.  And she was drunk.  Just score this one for Pink)

Winner – Pink

Hypothetical ability to give monster suckjob (WifeNote – Okay, I’m stepping in right here.  This is definately sexist.  This has nothing to do with their musical ability and is irrelevant to the conversation.  Also, Alanis would win because of her monster horse mouth)

Winner – Alanis

Did they date Ryan Reynolds?
Alanis – Sure fucking did.  Awesome.  If Alanis were here right now, I’d high five her.  You know who Pink dated?  Corey Hart.

jc_coreyhart

On the other hand, not too bad.  He wears his sunglasses, inexplicably, at a time when they’re the most ineffective – night.  That takes balls.   Why not just write a song called “I wear my sunscreen indoors” or “I wear my underwear in the shower”.   I’m sure those were going to be the followups.
(WifeNote – Okay dummy.  A) This entire category is sexist.  B) Pink is married to CARY Hart the BMX rider.   Not COREY Hart the laughable Canadian singer.  C) Ryan Reynolds dumped Alanis’s ass for Scarlett Johansson.  You really need to get Wikipedia working again before you keep writing these dumb comparisons)

Winner – Alanis

Now that we’ve done the detailed run down, the overall winner is… Alanis Morissette.

Hmm.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.  I mean, I don’t really like her music.  I link Pink’s a lot better.  It’s just U and Ur Hand!  Yeah, sing it Pink!  Sing to me about how I can’t score you and I’m going to make love to my own hand in failure at the end of the night!  Nice.

Sadly, I can’t argue with science, and these rankings are so knee-deep in science they look the underground Halogen Collider look like little Billy Mathersons bullshit homemade go kart.  (WifeNote – ???).   Another one is on the books.


Artificial comedy scenario

January 28, 2009

 

Maggie:
So “Everlast”. Um.. I’ve never. Um. That’s an ususual name. I’ve never really done this speed dating thing before. Can you tell me a bit about yourself?

Everlast:
I kicks the flava, like Stephen King writes horror. If I was a Jew then I’d light a menorah.

Maggie:
Oh, you’re not Jewish? Why would you say..? Well I guess it’s good to know that if you were of a different faith that you’d stringently follow their religious observances. I guess. A little bit about myself –

Everlast:
I’ve got rhymes for ya

Maggie:
Oh sorry, I thought you were done.

Everlast:
Excuse me seniora.

Maggie:
Not at all.

Everlast:
Are you a whore or are you a lady? Is it Erica Boyer or Marsha Brady?

Maggie:
Wow, you cut right to the quick don’t you? But to answer your question, I’m not really into one night stands. (laughs ruefully) I’ve been there, done that.

Everlast:
Let me know hon, the deed will get done.

Maggie:
Yeah, I don’t really like games either. So what do you do in your spare time, aside from “kick” flavor?

Everlast:
Just assume the position, I take my rod then I go fishin.

Maggie:
Wow, my Dad is totally into fishing! It’s so great to have a hobby like that, I’m kind of into running. Do you work, or –

Everlast:
I’ll get your river flowing, when it comes to giving pleasure, I’m every woman’s treasure.

Maggie:
Oh, you’re a massage therapist!

Everlast:
(Irritated) I came to work your body, so let me do my job.

Maggie:
Um.. I told you I’m not into that. Why do you keep –

Everlast:
I’ve never been laid off, my rhyming skill paid off.

Maggie:
I thought you were a massage therapist? Wait, like you write commercial jingles? And am I going to be allowed to finish a sand-

Everlast:
Now I’m making records, now I’m making tapes. Steady busting suckers in bunches like grapes. Makin all the papes. Scooping up the loot. Putting suckers on the run, pull the gun and then I shoot. (gives thumbs up)

Maggie:
(long pause) Not one single word of that made any sense. Listen, I dont’ think this is going to –

Everlast:
(plantive) I never been a front, I never been a fraud.

Maggie:
Everlast, I know. You’ve been very open and honest with me. I think that’s great. I think your rhymes are cute too.

Everlast:
I’ve got a natural skill, for that I thank the Lord, cause I feel blessed.

Maggie:
Just.. not in the Jewish way.

Everlast:
I’m casually dressed.

Maggie:
Meh. We’ve talked a lot about you. Maybe I could –

Everlast:
I always got my gun, but I never wear a vest.

Maggie:
Okay, freak. We’re done here TIME! SOMEONE CALL ROTATE! FREAK BOY HERE IS STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT! (bell rings) Oh thank fuck. Hit the road Everboy.

Everlast (getting up)
I’m quick on the draw like the horse named McGraw from the cartoon!

Maggie:
Whatever. . What a fucking weirdo.

(2 men sit down)
Maggie:
Hi Chris. And.. I see there’s two of you. And you’re both named Chris. What’s the fucking dea-

Chris 1:
Don’t try to compare us to another bad little fad, I’m the Mac and I’m bad and I’ll give you something that you never had.

Maggie:
I’m done. Fucking rap night.


WWSJD?

November 28, 2008

Aside – it has been pointed out that I could do most of what I’m complaining about with playlists, but that’s missing the point.  Since the advent of Genius, I refuse to manage my music, the iPod must do it for me.

Some (many?) people have expressed a concern with the Genius feature and the fact that Apple is collecting your sensitive, private information.  I disagree.  If anything, I want Apple to know more about me.  I want Genius to have access to every possible piece of information it can get its hand on.  I want it to know what I was doing when I listened to the song.  Did I steal it?  Is it on my iPod by accident?  Is it my wife’s shitty music (looking right at you Corinne Bailey Rae).  Was I humping when I last heard it?  Apple needs to know this information.  Anything to create better playlists for me.  If Genius took control of every facet of my life, I would be the happiest guy alive.

 – People who shopped at the Gap also liked…
 – People who rolled a priest on World of Warcraft also enjoyed playing…
 – People who work for that company also have worked at…
 – People who nailed Cindy have also nailed…

Anyhow.

The most important piece of functionality my iPod has is the music rating feature.  It allows you to rate every song on your iPod from a scale of 1 to 5.  It is critical that every single song on my iPod is scored appropriately and I spend the majority of my time doing this.  Who has time to actually listen to any of the music?  Not me, I’m too busy flipping through, rating, second guessing, re-rating. 

Part of the difficulty is in determining what each of the ratings mean.  This week, my guidelines for rating songs is as follows:

5 star rating
Very few songs get this prestigious ranking.  For a song to qualify, it must meet two key criteria.  It must be a near-perfect song and it has to be one that I never ever skip if it comes up.  I will always listen to this song.  Of the 1,500 songs on my iPod there are currently 10 with this rating.  Once a song is a 5-star rank, it can never drop down.  If it does, I have done something horribly wrong.

4 star rating
A song in this category is nearly perfect but not quite.   Maybe it’s a little too long, maybe I’m just sick of it.  It’s also quite difficult to get into this category.  I will listen to a 4 star song 80% of the time when it’s played.

3 star rating
Easily the most complex of all the ratings, and the one where Apple needs to do some additional work.  A three star song really has three types.  A weak three / almost two, a basic three and a strong three / almost four.  Songs will bump in and out of the three star category depending on my mood when I listen to a song.  A standard three star song is a song that’s not too bad, it doesn’t specifically offend and I’m mildly pleased when I hear it.  I’ll listen to a three star song 60% of the time.

2 star rating
It’s as difficult to get a 2 star rating as it is to get a 4 star rating.  It’s either a song that doesn’t totally suck or a courtesy ranking.  For example, I’ve given “Flowers of Guatemala” by REM a 2 star rating, but most of that is based on the fact that the entire CD (Life’s Rich Pageant) is fairly good.  As I listen to the song it’s barely tolerable.  I’ll almost never listen to a 2 star song.

1 star rating
Fuck you, one star songs.  I hate you.  You’re terrible songs and you make me angry when I listen to you.  Yes, I’m looking at you almost every song by Death Cab for Cutie or any song by Dan Bejar on the Swan Lake CD.  You’re all awful and you should feel ashamed of yourselves for even existing.  The only reason I keep you on my iPod is because I like to have complete CD’s.  I will only ever listen to a one star song again on the off chance that I feel I may have rated it in a bad mood and it needs to be reconsidered. 

Given I have this much trouble with five little stars, you’d think I want a way to simplify the process.  Well you’re wrong.  If anything, I need more features to allow for greater granularity of rankings.  I’ve suggested some below.

4-Star songs I never want to hear again
I rely quite heavily on the automatically generated playlist of my highest ranked songs.  The problem with this feature is just because I give a song 4 stars doesn’t mean I ever want to hear it again.  Most of Pearl Jam falls into this list.  I love a ton of their music and much of it is highly rated.  But I’ve been listening to Alive for 15 years now.  If I never hear Alive again, I’ll be quite happy.  So to keep it out of this playlist, I have to rank it lower, which is unfair.  You might suggest that I could just take it off my iPod, but that’s not an option.  My entire library is based on the fact that there’s an off chance I might want to listen to the song.  So they really need a feature for “keep this song on my iPod, let me give it a high ranking, but never play it”.

More rankings
5 Stars just isn’t cutting it.  Ideally, I would like to be able to rate my music down to the decimal.  A song might be a 3.2 or a 1.7.  My iPod should also have some feature where it knows how emphatically I ranked a song.  When I gave “The King of Carrot Flowers pt 1” 5 star rating, I punched a hole in my iPod. I ranked the shit out of that song.  Similarly, I have never given a song a harder 1 star rating than any “fat guy” song by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Negative Rankings
Not only do I need more rankings, there are some songs that are so awful that they need to be negatively ranked.  They will sit on my iPod with their -5 rating as an example to all my other music, a cautionary ballad.  “Don’t be as awful as this song” will be the message my other music gets.  There also needs to be some kind of punishment associated with this ranking.  Maybe every time I rank a song with a negative rating a homeless guy gets hoofed in the coin purse or something.

Customized fields
I would love to be able to set up my own tags for my music and group each song accordingly.  Like I could have a field called “mood” and each song could be ranked for happy, sad, mellow, gym, walking, sleeping, video games, driving, etc.  Yes, I’m aware that I could do this through playlists, but haven’t you been listening?   Since the advent of Genius I refuse to manage my music.  iPod must do it all for me.

Average user rankings
Not only do I want to know my rankings, I want Apple to get the rankings of every other person who has the song and compile it into an average that I can keep on my iPod.  I need to know what a collection of strangers I’ve never met thinks about a song I don’t like.  This is extremely important to me.

CD rankings
It’s not enough for me to rank a song, I need to also rank the overall CD.  Then I would have to rationalize how a CD with nothing but individual three star ratings gets an overall ranking of four.  And yes, this would happen.

Different rankings depending on when the song is played
If I were to listen to certain CD’s, in order, at once, many songs within the CD would get higher ratings than if I listened to the song individually.  My iPod needs to be intelligent enough to understand that the quality of the song is affected based on the circumstances under which it’s played.  So ideally there would be a “Song within CD” rating and a “played individually” rating.

Lastly, once all this is implemented, I need to be able to do all of this from my iPod.  I should be able to alter the characteristics of any of my music on the fly.

And for God sakes, when do I get to be able to delete music from my iPod?