Jesus is apparently middle management

March 12, 2009

Inspired from my fellow blogger and ex-roomie at Middle of Nowhere
Jesus does his annual performance review with Saint Polycarp, Patron Saint of Earaches

(Jesus is doing paperwork. Knock on the door)

Jesus: Yes?

Polycarp: Jesus, hi.  I’m a couple minutes early, are we still-

Jesus: Polycarp, how you doing?  Come on in.  Just catching up with some reports (makes “crazy day” gesture).  Don’t even worry about it. Have a seat.

Polycarp: Good, great (sits down)

Jesus: So it’s been a year Polycarp, how have you been doing?

Polycarp: It’s been okay I guess.  Not bad.

Jesus: Yeah not bad.  Kids okay?

Polycarp: Oh, my 259th generational descendants?  I don’t really keep in touch with them too much anymore (shrugs).  Their ears have been pretty good.

Jesus: Nice nice.  Well let’s get right down to it.  I’ve been going over your performance results (shuffles through paper).  Truthfully, they’re a little lean.  You’re not bringing a whole ton of people to the flock and you’re not getting a whole lot of new business in the pipeline.

Polycarp: Okay, but wait a second, hold on here.  I’m the Patron Saint of Earaches.  There’s not a huge market there.

Jesus: I hear what you’re saying, but now that doctors don’t really prescribe antibiotics for infant ear infections anymore, I was hoping you could move into that market..

Polycarp: Yeah, but now they just put tubes in.  They circumvent the entire thing. Medicine, you know? (weak laugh).  It’s… not our friend.

Jesus: Well either way, your rating for the year is “Does not meet expectations”.  Now I appreciate this is hard to hear as it will impact your bonus, but I’d like to discuss strategies –

Polycarp: Woah woah woah, “Does not meet”?  That’s bullshit.  That’s bullshit.

Jesus: Alright settle down there my son.  We can work through-

Polycarp: No, screw this. That’s bullshit.  Do you want me to bend over? Because you’re fucking me.  Should I bend over?  You and the rest of them, you’re fucking me..

Jesus: Let’s tone down the language

Polycarp: This is bullshit. I’m the saint of Earaches. What do you expect? Do you know how fucking bad an earache has to be before you start praying about it?  Even the fucking hardcores don’t bother turning to me and they pray for everything.  To say nothing of the fact that 90% of the time when they do pray they’re going right over my head either to you or the big guy.

Jesus: Yes, and you get the appropriate referral bonus in those circumstances.

Polycarp: Listen, get me out of this. Get me into a territory with teeth and let me show you what I can do.  Make me the Patron Saint of Thieves and Liars.  I could rock that.  Look, I already have some great ideas for how to use “Sex and the City” as a launch point –

Jesus: Not going to happen.

Polycarp: If I could just show you my sketches of Sarah Jessica Parker as a pig / horse –

: Polycarp.  Stop.  It’s not going to happen.  You’re the earache guy.  My go to guy for earaches.  Come up, lighten up.  It was just an off year right?  You’ll recover.

Polycarp: (sullen) Yeah.  Maybe.

Jesus: What about swimming season?  You started to have some positive numbers there, what happened?

Polycarp: Ah, fucking educational programs.   They ruin everything.  People wear earplugs.  You know.

Jesus: Hey big guy – right there. You just said it.

Polycarp: What?  What did I say?

Jesus: Earplugs.  Ear phones.  iPod earphones.  Buddy, I’m doing your job for you, I can’t believe I’m throwing you this solid.

Polycarp: I’m.. not following you Jesus.

Jesus: Those brutal “bud” earphones.  Have you ever used those for any length of time?  They’re like knives, your ears go numb after awhile.  You tell me you can’t move that into some business.  You look me in the face and tell me you can’t set up a meeting with Steve Jobs and fast track this.  Come on.  You rock this ear shit.

Polycarp: Yeah.  Yeah.  You know what?  I just get a couple key players into the room, Jobs owes me after his daughter’s last session with her ear ache.  I think I can swing this.  Those things are like little daggers in your ear.  I put a couple quick spots up on the 700 club and do come kind of “Longview / Lifehouse” tie in and the next thing you know the Jesus Rockers are hailing me as their new God.

Jesus: (laughing) Woah.  Slow down there cowboy.  Thou shalt have no other God before me, you know?  But I like where your head is.  You’re a thought leader.  This was just a bump in the road.  Get outta here you crazy bastard.  Make me proud!

: You just watch Jesus.  I’ll have the kids praying to me while their ears bleed!! (runs out)

(under breath) Dipshit.


My night is colored headache grey

July 16, 2008

Terms used by business people that are totally incorrect

Quantum Leap
What they think it means:
It’s used to describe a large progression, typically with an undertone of time, as in – “This move to Internet banking is a quantum leap forward for the way we communicate with clients”

What it really means
A quantum leap is defined as being an abrupt change, where energy moves from one atom to another instantaneously. It is a change that happens all at once (revolutionary) as opposed to gradually over time (evolutionary). Either way, it certainly isn’t a large change, and in fact can be rather insignificant from a time / space perspective

How it should really be used:
Steve: Hmm… Every piece of wiring melting simultaneously within our new Internet Banking system certainly was an unexpected quantum leap.

What they think it means
Talk to. As in – “I’ll try to ping you later on today.”

What it really means
It is a computer network tool to determine whether a particular host is reachable across an IP network. It can also refer to the amount of time the ping program runs. It has nothing to do with having a conversation, in that all a ping does is determine if the host is reachable. It doesn’t stop to chat with the host, and it certainly doesn’t return any information. It just connects.

How it should really be used:
Steve: Mike, Ping Dave and find out if he knows why all our Internet Banking wiring inexplicably melted.
Mike: You got it. <calls Dave>
Dave: Hello?
Mike: <Hanging up> That took 1.4 seconds.

Boil the Ocean
What they think it means
It’s a description of an end state that is too big for one particular person or group of people to tackle all at once, so it’s recognition of a phased approach as in – “We can’t rewire the entire goddamn Internet Banking infrastructure overnight, we don’t want to boil the ocean here. Let’s just see if we can get New York back up to start”

What it really means
An impossibility. You can’t boil the ocean. Ever. It’s describing an event that could under no possible circumstances ever happen.

How it should really be used:
Steve: <to room> Listen folks, I get that we’re getting a lot of fire from the VP’s for this melting issue, but I don’t think moving to the Moon is realistic. It’s like boiling the ocean.

Take that Offline
What they think it means
It will happen later on, or it will be addressed outside of the current forum. As in “Okay, I get that somehow magic could have been involved in this thing, but let’s take that offline for now”

What it really means
To disconnect a piece of machinery (computer, telephone, etc) from the infrastructure it uses to communicate with other pieces of equipment. Once something is offline, it’s still functional, but it can’t really communicate with other things. The fact that something is offline certainly doesn’t mean it will do something later.

How it should be really used:
Steve: <on the phone> I told you, I don’t fucking know how or why our wiring all melted! <hangs up, breaks phone>. Fuck this, I’m taking myself offline <drinks>

What they think it means
The summary of an event, communicated verbally or otherwise as in “I don’t need to know the specifics of the profanities the VP’s were saying, just give me the net-net”. Recently further bastardized to mean “outcome” as in “What is the net-net of this internet fuckup?”

What it actually means
No clue. “Net” is a financial term which is an antonym of gross or total. So this is like saying “what is the total” or “what is the gross”. Except it’s not, it’s now like saying “what is the total-total” which makes absolutely no sense in any context.

How it should really be used
It shouldn’t. Also, Steve eventually fixed the Internet problem by going after the low-hanging fruit. It was a win-win value proposition that upped his market share and gave him good face time with the CEO’s.