The Paranoid Parent presents: Tips on feeding your child

February 18, 2010

At the Paranoid Parent, our mission is to make parenting as stressful as it can possibly be.  We strive to remove common sense and trust in yourself and replace it with byzantine guidelines that, while arbitrary and confusing, are at least contradictory and impossible to follow.  We do this to help you – the parent.  The useless, terrified, fuck-all knowing parent.

Today’s topic – feeding your child.

Feeding can be one of the most stressful experiences for a parent, especially in light of the fact that regardless of what you’re doing, you’re almost certainly doing it wrong.

Despite evolving throughout millions of years with no standardized guidelines around childhood feeding, many parents feel (quite correctly) that they are unable to care for their child and are killing them with food.  At Paranoid Parent ™ we offer simple tips.  As always, just remember that if you do so much as one goddamn thing wrong your child will either die, grow up to be a murderer, or seek a philosophy degree.

Top 10 tips for healthly childhood eating

1.  Your child must eat a perfect ratio of protein to vegetables to carbohydrates in order to have a “growing” day.  If you do not perfect this ratio, the “growing day” is lost forever.  This is why it’s a well-known fact that midgets have bad parents.

2.  Follow this simple rule of thumb – Always Eat Dinner Except If You’re Not Hungry But Never Before Bed Unless You Should or AEDEIYNHBNBBUYS

3. Most proteins are good for you except the ones that are not, and science has yet to determine an effective means of determining the difference between the two.  Try burning your food over a bush fire using elm branches as the base.  If the smoke turns slightly red for two non-consecutive seconds, then there’s a 40% chance the protein is bad

4.  Never cut raw chicken on any surface that will ever be used again – if you must cut raw chicken, sell your entire fucking house afterwards.

5.  Potatoes are quick and easy source of nutrit- oh wait.  What?  We’re off carbs now?  Okay, check.

6.  Potatoes are instant death to a child under 5.

7.  Your child’s future is determined by how smugly you are able to announce to other parents that your precious kid “just loves” vegetables.

8.  Your kids can’t have any chips as it’s not part of a healthy diet and any salty junk foods should be avoided.  Oh don’t worry, this doesn’t apply to you, Hamsack.  You just eat allllll the chips you want.

9.  Avoid feeding your children the same foods day after day even if they like them and they’re healthy.  Can’t… can’t really think of a rationalization for this one outside of just being a huge dick

10.  Avoid common sense as there has been no link established between just thinking for two fucking seconds vs. reading random crap you find on the internet from strangers with no published credentials


I don’t know how I feel about this

September 17, 2009

Inasmuch as I don’t have a “style” on this blog, I typically don’t break the third wall.  Is it the fourth wall?  I write articles with no personal voice and I don’t break a wall.  Please let me know which wall it is.  Nonetheless, whatever thing it is I don’t break, I’m going to break now.

I want to talk about Glee.

Like everyone else, I have agreed that Glee is the best new show on TV.  Oh sure, there are some people who don’t agree.  Typically, these people are convicted rapists and people who wish to rape.  Rapists are a contrarian lot who don’t care for the magic of show tunes.  This is why they feel compelled to rape and not like Glee.  Bastards, the whole lot of them.

Like all of you, I watched the season premiere of Glee and was not initially impressed.  First there was the one-dimensional characters, some of whom only existed to advance the paper-thin plot.  Then the deus ex machina’s at every turn.  Truly horrible, horrible writing.  But then.. the songs.  Can I love a show on the strength of cover tunes alone?   God help me, it turns out I can.

The premiere episode came together with the cover of “don’t stop believing” by Journey.  As it turns out, you could release any TV show pilot you wanted to, and if the first episode featured a cover of “dont’ stop believing” I would probably hooked for another 40 or so episodes.  Such is the power of that song.   I’ve sat through five horrendous seasons of Lost just on the off chance Kate would take off her shirt.  Imagine if after the first monster attack Charlie ripped it up with Don’t Stop Believing?  I wouldn’t even need a Kate.

So imagine my horror when I found out that the fantastically arranged cover they did of this classic song was ripped off from a fucking mini-pops CD.  Not the song itself obviously, but the harmonies, the way the song was put together, everything.  Is someone getting sued for this?  Do the minipops have lawyers or all they all just orphans?

I don’t know how to feel.

You might be asking yourself – why was I listening to the minipops in the first place?  Honestly, that’s not something I want to get into.  Let’s just allow that there was a compelling reason for me to download 22 different covers of “Don’t Stop Believing” and listen to them all in one night.  The important thing to remember here is that Glee 100% ripped off minipops.  For some reason.

Minipops version (click play) (it’s song 18.)  It was released like 19 months before Glee. 

Glee ripped off version

Long story short – I’m not sure I can watch Glee anymore. 


I’ve explained this situation to my wife – “GA!  Glee ripped off Minipops!  FUCK!”.   I may have mentioned the government somewhere in there.

Terrifyingly, she doesn’t see the big deal.  She doesn’t even know why I bother taking to her.  I think I may also have to quit my marriage.  I can’t explain why this is a big deal.  You are either a type of person who understands why this ruins the show or you are my wife.  Please pick sides.

Update 2

According to Amazon, the Minipops CD wasn’t released until Sept 1, 2009, meaning the Glee version came first.  BUT!  They don’t just write these things the day before they release, they plan first.  This means that both versions probably were conceived at very close to the same time.  On the other hand, how long does it take to record a Minipops CD?  40 minutes?  I will continue to do research.

Study finds that 70% of studies reveal findings

July 6, 2009

Berkeley, California:

Is it possible that studies conducted about things reveal facts about something? That is among the questions raised by a landmark Berkeley study showing a significant correlation between studies and knowing things about other things.

Led by Dr. Francis McGarnagle, a team of 16 researchers analyzed the results of over 3000 studies from six geographically distant countries performed by a wide variety of scientists.  They discovered that in over 70% of the cases, a study will reveal findings and demonstrate proof of something.

While the latest work is at far too early a stage to demonstrate the feasibility of future studies, it does help to reveal why thinking about something, writing a hypothesis and then meticulously researching that hypothesis using repeatable processes will often result in demonstrable proof of something.  Sometimes even several things.

“Quite honestly, I’m floored.” said Dr. McGarnagle at a recent press conference.  “When we started out, we thought maybe 10, 15 percent of studies revealed stuff about things.  Nowhere in our wildest dreams did we ever think that 70% of studies would actually be effective.”

The President of the University of Berkeley was quick to commended the achievement. “For years we have performed studies with no thought to their effectiveness or purpose, but no more.  This study represents an important landmark in demonstrating the power of getting money and spending it and publishing results.  I commend our dedicated team of researchers for such a significant milestone.”

Not surprisingly, Liberals were quick to jump all over this study pointing out that just because 70% of studies advanced human knowledge, there is no reason to discount the 30% that are factually useless.

“There is no doubt that this is an important landmark study” commented White House press secretary Robert Gibbs during his daily conference.  “But let’s not lose sight of the remaining studies that are performed each year that are utterly without value.  For example, take the recent study which demonstrated that married people are more likely to gain weight or the one which showed that if you stay up late watching TV you’re likely to get less sleep.  These studies represented over $60 million dollars in grant money and are as fundamentally useless as any thing performed by any human being has a right to be.  The results are so glaringly obvious that you could conclude that the scientists had no interest in advancing human thought whatsoever.  However, without these bizarrely transparent glimpses into common sense, we would never know that young children don’t like spending significant time in intensive care

Republicans were equally quick to jump on the story.   Rush Limbaugh devoted half his show to the results, saying “Jews women bend over white supremacy Glenn Beck Obama-fascism, I don’t actually understand socialism, hate America, laughing at you loser fan base from my $20 million mansion.  Also crazy hate spew filth”

But at the end of the day, Dr. McGarnagle isn’t looking to push any agenda. 

“The last thing I set out to do was encourage less or more studies of any kind.  I simply had an idea that some studies showed things and thought, why not?  Surely someone would pay for this and then I’d have something to do for 6 years.  It’s win-win.”

“Booyah” he added.

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Kids shows drive you crazy

May 8, 2009

The average child under 4 will watch 63 hours of TV a week (I made this number up).  My son doesn’t watch quite that much, but he certainly consumes his fair amount of television.  His two favorite channels are Playhouse Disney and Treehouse.  Both of these stations feature shows that, while very child-friendly, are mind numbingly tedious.  Over the course of my three years, I’ve been subjected to 738 hours of children’s programming (I also made this number up) and when you’re forced to watch that much bad TV your mind tends to find ways to keep itself occupied.

With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of things that make no sense to me in these shows.  I appreciate they’re not meant to hold up against nerd-like scrutiny, but these have really got me thinking.

Thomas and Friends
1. If Thomas is sentient, what does his driver do?  Is this some kind of meta-comment on runaway technology and how we’re all just hopelessly strung along, unable to control our own destinies?  By the same token,  is the driver blamed when one of the trains causes confusion and delay? (note to non-Thomas fans – this happens in every episode).   This is not the first time this show has confused me.

I get union wages!

I get union wages!

Pixar’s Cars
2.  How did anything get built in the “Cars” world?  Cars have no oposable thumbs.  Yet they have buildings, roads, cameras, maintenance crews.  Something fundamentally doesn’t add up.  I assume that there is a subplot that was left on the cutting room floor about a secret underground human slavery ring.

Fuck you, Abe Lincon

Fuck you, Abe Lincoln

Mighty Machines
3.  This show is ostensibly about machines.  Mighty Machines.  They’re working for you, doing Mighty things, they’re (clap clap) Mighty Machines.  In light of that, what is the criteria for becoming a mighty machine?  Because from some of the episodes I’ve seen, it’s literally any piece of machinery.  Doesn’t matter what.  There was an episode on pop dispensers.  What makes that a mighty machine?  Honestly, if you’re just going to show something you run across in your day to day life, just call the show “mechanical stuff”.

Yeah, I'm a Mighty Machine.  What of it?

Yeah, I’m a Mighty Machine. What of it?

Imagination Movers
4. This is a show about the Wiggles, except they’re from New Orleans, their music is better and they apparently run their own business.  They’re in the problem solving game, according to the canon of the show.  But do you really think singing at me is going to solve my problem, Imagination Movers?  What if I have a heroin problem?  Can Dave pull some Buprenex out of his hat?  Let’s see you dance your way out of that!!!

We can solve any problem except actual problems

We can solve any problem except actual problems

Four Square
5. I appreciate almost no one has seen this awful show.  It’s difficult to explain, so here’s the clip.

Are those hippity-hippity-hippity-hop guys on 4-square supposed to be the vanguard of an invading alien army?  If not, why is it “Captain” Hoppette?  In what military organization does she designate her rank from?  I’m assuming she outranks the other three and that’s why she gets to tell them what to do.  I think when you watch them, you’re supposed to pretend like you’re an alien overlord and she’s making a brief, if exceptionally confusing status report on her ongoing earth investigation.

“Hoppette.  Please report on the status of the Earth Military”

“Touch your nose.  Hup!”

“… You’re… very very fired”

Dora the Goddamn Explorer
6. WHY DO DORA’S PARENTS THINK THIS LIFESTYLE IS SAFE FOR A 9 YEAR OLD????  Also, her head is shaped like a football.

Not featured: Difficult questions from child services

Not featured: Difficult questions from child services

7. Okay, this is kind of a newer show.  It’s about trains (note – 70% of the shows are about vehicles.  Kids love vehicles except when they have to go drive in your car).  In the Chugginton world they all talk, and when they’re teasing, they refer to each other as “scaredy-chuggers”.  But “chuggers” is basically the name of the society.  They’re all chuggers.  So that’s like me calling you a “scaredy-human”.  Which, FYI, I’m going to start doing all the time now.

Google sometimes throws up odd images.

Google sometimes throws up odd images during searches.

My Friends Tigger and Pooh
8.  This is a reboot of the Pooh mythology.  What J.J. Abrams did for Star Trek, this show did for Winnie the Pooh.  Astute fans will notice that they no longer feature Christopher Robin and Owl.  What I struggle to understand is what did Christopher Robin and Owl do such that they’re not included in the cast?  What market segment determined that those two characters are unlikeable and that a cute girl named Darby will have better penetration with 4 year olds?

Sorry Christopher.  Your ambiguous sexuality leaves us all uncomfortable

Sorry Christopher. Your ambiguous sexuality leaves us all uncomfortable

Elmo’s World
9.  I actually kind of thought that Grover was Elmo’s dad and that Elmo just had horrible roseola.

Man.  Star Wars rules

Man. Star Wars rules

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