Lost… again

February 12, 2010

If my life was filled with people who acted like they do on Lost.

(I wake up for work, have a shower and get in my car. On the way, I notice I need gas, so I stop. I get out, fill up the car and go inside to pay)

Me: Here, $35

Gas Attendant: Is that really all you have to offer?

Me: What?

Gas Attendant: You resist the things you can’t change. Yet you look to the future.

Me: Umm… I was pump five? (points)

Gas Attendant: If I were to take your money, would you be satisfied?

Me: I have money. Take it. Here. (long pause) It’s for gas.

Gas Attendant: Would you like a car wash with that?

(Later that day, I am booked for a meeting with the subject line “Talk”. I walk over to Dave’s desk as he booked the meeting)

Me: Hey, that meeting you booked me for, what’s it about?

Dave: We need to have a discussion with you.

Me: Check.  But what about?  Because I have these reports I really need to get out, so –

Dave: I need you to do this for me.

Me: Right, but do what?

Dave: This.

Me: What is this?

Dave: (unnecessarily mysterious) It’s a document.

Me: I can see it’s a document, that doesn’t answer anything.  What is it.

Dave: It’s the very hope for the future (music swells in the background)

Me: What the fuck? Why can I hear music? What does that even mean?

Dave: All can be contained within.

Me: Jesus Dave.   It’s every day with you isn’t it.  How were you even hired?

Dave: The same way you were.

Me: What, Khattar from HR?  He hired you?

Dave: You know exactly what I mean.

Me: No I fucking don’t.
(For some reason Dave walks away as if that would be the end of the conversation. I swear under my breath)

(Later that day, I call my wife )
Me: Yeah, I’m going to the grocery store after work to get the stuff on your list

Brady: It is important.

Me: Right, but I can’t read your handwriting.  What’s the list say?

Brady: It says… that we must make dinner.

Me: No.  No, I don’t need to know the thematic summation of the list, I get that.  I inherently get that.  I need to know, literally, what the list says.

Brady: It says dinner is in danger.

Me: What does that mean.  WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN??  WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THIS TODAY?

Brady: We all have choices.

(I smash the phone into a million pieces)


(After work I go to see my doctor about my heartburn)

Me: I have heartburn

Dr: Take this.

Me: What is it?

Dr: It will fix your heartburn

Me: Right.  What is it though?

Dr: You must trust.

Me: I mustn’t.  I mustn’t just trust.  That’s disingenuous and frighteningly disturbing if that’s the way you prescribe medicine to your patients.

Dr: Take it.  It must come from you.

Me: Damn it!  What’s in the pill??

Dr: Viagra.

Me: !!!  How does that cure heartburn? How are those things related? Why are you even my Doctor?

Dr: If you don’t take the pill, your heartburn will grow worse.

Me: How do you even know that?

Dr: The same thing happened…. to your sister!!!

Me: My sister has heartburn?  And you fixed that with Viagra?  I very much doubt that.  And isn’t this a violation of some kind of patient / client confi-

Dr: Time’s up!