Worst Parent Ever

April 4, 2010


This article could have just as easily read:

Proving once again his tenuous understanding of even the most basic tasks associated with parenting, Michael Lohan is holding a press conference in reaction to his daughters breakdown.

 An independent study conducted by the University of London revealed that of all the possible reactions to the ongoing emotional and mental degeneration of your child, “holding a press conference” did not even place in the top 100. 

Number one was “hugging your child”.

In an effort to claim the mantel of “humanities worst parent” from the Balloon Boy’s father, Michael Lohan has also had the following inappropriate reaction to Lindsay’s other problems.

  • When she was 6 and had a nightmare about camels, he called her agent and booked her on Circus of the Stars
  • During a crying fit after losing three straight roles to Mandy Moore, he reallocated a portion of her 401K to Mutual Funds
  • After hitting her head during a cocaine binge, he issued a statement through his lawyer stating he would not seek an injunction against Popeye’s chicken
  • When tearfully approaching him at home saying “God sakes help me please help me please be my father” he filmed the incident and sold it to Entertainment Tonight.

The Paranoid Parent presents: Tips on feeding your child

February 18, 2010

At the Paranoid Parent, our mission is to make parenting as stressful as it can possibly be.  We strive to remove common sense and trust in yourself and replace it with byzantine guidelines that, while arbitrary and confusing, are at least contradictory and impossible to follow.  We do this to help you – the parent.  The useless, terrified, fuck-all knowing parent.

Today’s topic – feeding your child.

Feeding can be one of the most stressful experiences for a parent, especially in light of the fact that regardless of what you’re doing, you’re almost certainly doing it wrong.

Despite evolving throughout millions of years with no standardized guidelines around childhood feeding, many parents feel (quite correctly) that they are unable to care for their child and are killing them with food.  At Paranoid Parent ™ we offer simple tips.  As always, just remember that if you do so much as one goddamn thing wrong your child will either die, grow up to be a murderer, or seek a philosophy degree.

Top 10 tips for healthly childhood eating

1.  Your child must eat a perfect ratio of protein to vegetables to carbohydrates in order to have a “growing” day.  If you do not perfect this ratio, the “growing day” is lost forever.  This is why it’s a well-known fact that midgets have bad parents.

2.  Follow this simple rule of thumb – Always Eat Dinner Except If You’re Not Hungry But Never Before Bed Unless You Should or AEDEIYNHBNBBUYS

3. Most proteins are good for you except the ones that are not, and science has yet to determine an effective means of determining the difference between the two.  Try burning your food over a bush fire using elm branches as the base.  If the smoke turns slightly red for two non-consecutive seconds, then there’s a 40% chance the protein is bad

4.  Never cut raw chicken on any surface that will ever be used again – if you must cut raw chicken, sell your entire fucking house afterwards.

5.  Potatoes are quick and easy source of nutrit- oh wait.  What?  We’re off carbs now?  Okay, check.

6.  Potatoes are instant death to a child under 5.

7.  Your child’s future is determined by how smugly you are able to announce to other parents that your precious kid “just loves” vegetables.

8.  Your kids can’t have any chips as it’s not part of a healthy diet and any salty junk foods should be avoided.  Oh don’t worry, this doesn’t apply to you, Hamsack.  You just eat allllll the chips you want.

9.  Avoid feeding your children the same foods day after day even if they like them and they’re healthy.  Can’t… can’t really think of a rationalization for this one outside of just being a huge dick

10.  Avoid common sense as there has been no link established between just thinking for two fucking seconds vs. reading random crap you find on the internet from strangers with no published credentials

Swine Flu FAQ

October 27, 2009

There’s a lot of confusion about the Swine flu outbreak and the associated vaccination.  As my primary character I play in World of Warcraft is a healer, I feel that I’m uniquely qualified to clear up some of the misinformation that’s floating around.  I’ve collected these questions from co-workers, friends and family.  Hopefully this gives a clearer picture of what is happening.

1. What is the swine flu?
Let’s start with the easiest.  The Swine Flu is a new strain of super-virus making its way through Canada, the States, South America, Europe, parts of Paraguay and New Zealand.  Those are the only known affected regions.  It originated in France with the French King St. Simon DeLeTrenchant who famously uttered the last words “Zut Alors, tu Swine!” to the doctor attempting to bathe him just minutes before his death (the French are notoriously superstitious of baths and water in general).

It’s not clear exactly how the flu originated except to say it’s not a surprise it came from France, which remains an unstoppable cesspool of lax morals and general failure.

2. How contagious is it?
To say that it’s the most contagious disease that man has ever encountered is like describing the horrific music of Creed by saying it will make you long for the sweet embrace of a painful, protracted death.  Obvious and inadequate to the task.  Simply put, English has not yet come up with a term to appropriately describe how contagious this disease is.  Oxford has proposed the new term “Flagoclox” which would mean “Contagious to the extent that literally, just by reading descriptions of the virus, you probably have the disease in question”.  Therefore the Swine flu is flagoclox.

3. But I’ve heard that the vaccination is dangerous?
True!  It’s a well known fact that any nations government exists simply to kill its populace.  Plain and simple.  This is proven.  Therefore, the fact that the government has released a vaccination means, by definition, they want you to die from it.

4. Right, and… wait, what?
Yep.  The government has released this vaccine – 100% untested – with the hopes that it will permanently kill and cripple its populace.  This is done, to keep the population terrified and under control.

5. W-
Stop right there.  I know what you’re going to ask already.  Yes, this is a liberal conspiracy.  First they spend our hard-earned dollars and send us into a $24 Billion dollar deficit, and then they ban smoking in cars.  What’s next Mr. McGuinty?

6. None of this information seems remotely accurate.  Is it possible to have a reasoned, rational discussion about this?
I don’t see how that would benefit anyone, least of all the media that thrives on artificial controversy

7. Fine.  How will the Flu shots be administered?
Keeping in accordance with Canadian Parliamentary law (all hail Maple), the flu shot will be mandatory for any citizen of Canada whose citizenship number is greater than 10393873 (check your CanuckCards people!), however it is only mandatory for registered members of the Progressive Conservative party (see points 3 to 5.  For SHAME Mr. McGuinty!)

8.  People are starting to die from this.
The important thing is you don’t remain informed and continue to use largely unsubstantiated apocryphal third-hand updates from friends on Facebook.  As always, this remains your best and most accurate source of information.  Oh, and that wasn’t a question.

Kids shows drive you crazy

May 8, 2009

The average child under 4 will watch 63 hours of TV a week (I made this number up).  My son doesn’t watch quite that much, but he certainly consumes his fair amount of television.  His two favorite channels are Playhouse Disney and Treehouse.  Both of these stations feature shows that, while very child-friendly, are mind numbingly tedious.  Over the course of my three years, I’ve been subjected to 738 hours of children’s programming (I also made this number up) and when you’re forced to watch that much bad TV your mind tends to find ways to keep itself occupied.

With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of things that make no sense to me in these shows.  I appreciate they’re not meant to hold up against nerd-like scrutiny, but these have really got me thinking.

Thomas and Friends
1. If Thomas is sentient, what does his driver do?  Is this some kind of meta-comment on runaway technology and how we’re all just hopelessly strung along, unable to control our own destinies?  By the same token,  is the driver blamed when one of the trains causes confusion and delay? (note to non-Thomas fans – this happens in every episode).   This is not the first time this show has confused me.

I get union wages!

I get union wages!

Pixar’s Cars
2.  How did anything get built in the “Cars” world?  Cars have no oposable thumbs.  Yet they have buildings, roads, cameras, maintenance crews.  Something fundamentally doesn’t add up.  I assume that there is a subplot that was left on the cutting room floor about a secret underground human slavery ring.

Fuck you, Abe Lincon

Fuck you, Abe Lincoln

Mighty Machines
3.  This show is ostensibly about machines.  Mighty Machines.  They’re working for you, doing Mighty things, they’re (clap clap) Mighty Machines.  In light of that, what is the criteria for becoming a mighty machine?  Because from some of the episodes I’ve seen, it’s literally any piece of machinery.  Doesn’t matter what.  There was an episode on pop dispensers.  What makes that a mighty machine?  Honestly, if you’re just going to show something you run across in your day to day life, just call the show “mechanical stuff”.

Yeah, I'm a Mighty Machine.  What of it?

Yeah, I’m a Mighty Machine. What of it?

Imagination Movers
4. This is a show about the Wiggles, except they’re from New Orleans, their music is better and they apparently run their own business.  They’re in the problem solving game, according to the canon of the show.  But do you really think singing at me is going to solve my problem, Imagination Movers?  What if I have a heroin problem?  Can Dave pull some Buprenex out of his hat?  Let’s see you dance your way out of that!!!

We can solve any problem except actual problems

We can solve any problem except actual problems

Four Square
5. I appreciate almost no one has seen this awful show.  It’s difficult to explain, so here’s the clip.


Are those hippity-hippity-hippity-hop guys on 4-square supposed to be the vanguard of an invading alien army?  If not, why is it “Captain” Hoppette?  In what military organization does she designate her rank from?  I’m assuming she outranks the other three and that’s why she gets to tell them what to do.  I think when you watch them, you’re supposed to pretend like you’re an alien overlord and she’s making a brief, if exceptionally confusing status report on her ongoing earth investigation.

“Hoppette.  Please report on the status of the Earth Military”

“Touch your nose.  Hup!”

“… You’re… very very fired”

Dora the Goddamn Explorer
6. WHY DO DORA’S PARENTS THINK THIS LIFESTYLE IS SAFE FOR A 9 YEAR OLD????  Also, her head is shaped like a football.

Not featured: Difficult questions from child services

Not featured: Difficult questions from child services

7. Okay, this is kind of a newer show.  It’s about trains (note – 70% of the shows are about vehicles.  Kids love vehicles except when they have to go drive in your car).  In the Chugginton world they all talk, and when they’re teasing, they refer to each other as “scaredy-chuggers”.  But “chuggers” is basically the name of the society.  They’re all chuggers.  So that’s like me calling you a “scaredy-human”.  Which, FYI, I’m going to start doing all the time now.

Google sometimes throws up odd images.

Google sometimes throws up odd images during searches.

My Friends Tigger and Pooh
8.  This is a reboot of the Pooh mythology.  What J.J. Abrams did for Star Trek, this show did for Winnie the Pooh.  Astute fans will notice that they no longer feature Christopher Robin and Owl.  What I struggle to understand is what did Christopher Robin and Owl do such that they’re not included in the cast?  What market segment determined that those two characters are unlikeable and that a cute girl named Darby will have better penetration with 4 year olds?

Sorry Christopher.  Your ambiguous sexuality leaves us all uncomfortable

Sorry Christopher. Your ambiguous sexuality leaves us all uncomfortable

Elmo’s World
9.  I actually kind of thought that Grover was Elmo’s dad and that Elmo just had horrible roseola.

Man.  Star Wars rules

Man. Star Wars rules

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Reluctant Batman

March 10, 2009

His Father read stories of The Batman to him, like any good Father should.  He was raised on tales of billionaire ninja orphan crime fighters who wore pajamas and hung around in caves with 10 year old boys.   This was all normal to him.  He knew the stories inside and out – boy sees parents gunned down, boy (rather than devote his billions of dollars to assisting existing, proven crime fighting institutions like the police) decides to take the law into his own hands, boy places too much emphasis on flying rodents.  It was a common tale to him.  The Batman was his hero.

So when his own parents were killed in a bank hostage situation, he knew what he had to do.  Devote his life to beating up criminals and leaving them tied up in front of police stations with clever notes that somehow made a pun out of their crimes (these guys were trying to steal a diamond – I put them “on ice”!)


The problem was he had no real desire to become a crime fighter, or dress up in tights.  Certainly, he was very depressed after losing his parents, but after engaging a very professional therapist (thank you Dr. Carver!) he was able to overcome many of his issues.  He realized that while the individual men who shot his parents were directly responsible, “crime” per se, was not.  Many criminals were in fact victims of demographics.  They were to be pitied and helped through progressive liberal outreach programs!  He volunteered at one!

Nonetheless, he must beat them without mercy.

He lacked many of the advantages that Bruce Wayne had.  Size.  Athletic ability.  Any particular aptitude for anything.  Basic reasoning skills.  Money.  But he couldn’t let these things stand in his way.  He couldn’t let his parents down.

One of his last memories of his Father was (of course) reading a Batman story together.  It was Detective Comics # 275 where Batman becomes a Zebra.  After they finished the thrilling tale, he turned to his Father.  “Where does Batman live Daddy?  Can I meet him?”  His Dad just chuckled.

“Batman is… fiction son.  This – ” he pointed to all the Batman memorabilia in the room “is just for play.  It’s carnival.  You know Batman isn’t real right?”  The boy chuckled and rolled over for sleep.

“Son?” his father wouldn’t stop talking “I’m serious.  Don’t think this is real.  Never try to avenge my death through vigilantism.”

He went to sleep that night feeling safer than he ever had.  Until criminals (well, not criminals exactly according to Dr. Carver.  Republican policies that widen the gap between the rich and poor were to blame.  Whatever) took his parents away. 

Years later, he was ready.  Sort of ready.  He wasn’t really into this exactly, but he did what he had to.  He had spent some time studying martial arts movies while he went to community college.  He watched all the Batman movies over and over again.  They were terrible.  He didn’t have a wise butler, but his wise landlord told him that his pipes were probably clogged because he kept flushing tuna down kitchen sink.  It was a very good point and he took from it what he could.

The first night he went out to face the criminal elements (well, not criminal.  Victims of their own fear as Dr. Carver would go on to say.  Fear of success.   Compelling and rich analysis) dressed in the mantle of his hero.  While he couldn’t afford one of the real batman costumes that were on ebay, he was able to fashion a mask out of old rain boots.  He was ready.

He went to the worst part of town and prowled the streets looking for action in his bat-shaped boot mask.  The denizens of the night did not disappoint and he was very quickly accosted by an unfortunate.

“Gimme your cake” said a transient, waving a switchblade at him.

“Your move punk” the boy said and took a long, overhand swing at the disadvantaged’s head.  He missed by a mile and the economically-challenged stabbed him in the elbow.  The boy cried out in pain and dropped to the pavement.  Dropped just like his parents must have when they were shot for being in the wrong place (in front of those bullets) at the wrong time (when they were fired).

“Father…” he wept up at the uncaring sky as the differently-wealth-distributed gentleman rifled through his pockets.  “Forgive me…”

He went through 2 surgeries to repair his tendons and a further 8 months of physical therapy.  He was laid off from his job at the pizza warehouse as he couldn’t meet the physical demands of the job.  The sacrifice was worth it.

He didn’t ever go back to direct crime fighting, but he felt like with the effort he had made his father proud.  He stopped seeing Dr. Carver and he won his victories against crime where he could.  He didn’t give his change to the homeless anymore and when the policemans association would call for donations, he would only half-heartedly tell them to go fuck themselves.  He was healing.  He was better.

He just wasn’t The Batman.

What’s in a name?

December 17, 2008

Welcome to the Canadian Child Screening Test!  Rest assured that the government has no desire to interfere with your constitutional* right to have children!  We just want to provide assistance to some families who’s ability to.. um… “effectively” raise children may be compromised by the fact that they’re horrible, unfit people who should be shot***.
By answering the following questions that appear on the screen, you will be granted your eligibility license to procreate!  It’s all automatic and it just takes 5 minutes!  Please note that certain answers will result in a weird humming noise and an unearthly green glow within the licensing booth.  DON’T WORRY!  This is perfectly normal.  You are not, repeat, NOT being bombarded with a highly radioactive gamma ray that will render you totally sterile.  Ha ha!  There will also be cake at the end of the test.****
Please answer the following questions *HONESTLY*.  No cheating!
A) Have you ever:
( ) Watched an “Are you smarter than a 5th Grader” marathon?
( ) Said “Get er done” but you weren’t being ironic?
( ) Laughed at the comedy of Dane Cook?
( ) None of the above
B) Do you think that the KKK was:
( ) Misunderstood?
( ) Ahead of their time?
( ) On to something?
( ) Awful.  Simply awful
C) Have you ever voted:
( ) Bloc
D) Have you ever considered doing the following with your children?
( ) Intentionally trying to raise them to be deaf?
( ) Abandoning them in stairwells?
( ) Leaving them in the car with the window slightly unrolled while you go shopping?
( ) Naming them Adolph Hitler Campbell?

 Thanks for participating, and rest assured that your answers will result in a stronger, better Canada.
* Note – not actually in the constitution.  Also, Canada doesn’t have a constitution.  We have a Bill of Rights**
** Note – not actually in the Bill of Rights.
*** Probably not you!
**** In the event that you do see the green light, you may notice your hair falling out and you may begin to pass unusual amounts of blood within your stool.  Rest assured that this is totally unrelated to anything we’ve done.  DON’T SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!

A special special

October 20, 2008

I’ve got an exclusive!! I’ve managed to get my hands on a part of the upcoming Vanity Fair interview with Thomas the Tank Engine by the legendary C. Chucksly Warblam-Skupp. They’re talking about Thomas’s new tell all book “On the other side of the tracks.” You won’t see this in stores for awhile.

Portion begins here:

..and Thomas simply shrugs, inasmuch as a Train with only a face can be said to shrug. I leave that alone.
“Let’s talk about James” I suggest. “There’s been reports of a strain between the two of you”.
“James man” Thomas toots in derision. “That’s a character for you. He’s not what you think. Let’s just say that he’s not just red because of the paint job, if you know what I mean”.

I assure Thomas that I absolutely do not.

“Okay, let me put it this way. James doesn’t run purely on coal, you know?” At this Thomas winks suggestively at me.

I cannot describe the sensation of seeing a 60-ton, sentient train wink suggestively at you. It is perhaps the most profoundly unsettling thing I have ever witnessed. I again move on.

“Percy.” I say. One word, but its effect on Thomas is immediate. He toots with rage.
“Percy is a little (what follows is 15 seconds of the filthiest expletives I have ever heard. Deleted for publication)“. says Thomas. “To quote Eminem, I wouldn’t piss on fire to put him [sic] out”. I ask Thomas to discuss some of the events leading up to the fallout.

“Percy got too big for his own buffers.” Thomas derides. “First he becomes the “cute one”, even though he’s basically just me painted Green. And then there was the incident with Gordon.” (note – Thomas is of course referring to the incident when Percy, drunk on corn ethanol, attempted to jump over Gordon while he slept, resulting in millions of dollars worth of damage and nearly killing Gordon).

“The last straw was catching him in the threesome with Annie and Clarabelle. That was just unforgiveable. We… we were closer than brothers once.” A giant tear rolls down his cheek. Stretching the bounds of our relationship, I ask him to describe in brief, the process by which trains would engage in a sexual threesome. Two months and $14,000 worth of therapy later and I can assure you I’m quite sorry I asked. I will spare you the horrific details. I again attempt to move onto safer ground.

“What was the impulse for this book? Why now?” Thomas collects himself before answering.
“Our story is pretty well known by now” he buffers “We were a race of super intelligent space lizards who injected our intellects into a comet and smashed it into Colorado with the hopes of possessing the bodies of Washington’s political leaders and taking over the Earth” he pauses here, reflectively. “Obviously our information was flawed as our consciousness ended up in a bunch of whimsical trains and worst, Colorado is nowhere near the epicenter of the planets political leadership. Miscalculations all around.” he chuckles ruefully. “I guess we were all pretty depressed at that. Henry and I talked a lot about killing all humans before we settled on the idea of a children’s show. Anyway, I wanted to give the story behind that. Who is the intergalactic space lizard behind the Thomas? For instance, did you know that my real name is “X’kkkksssllll’katchtzzzz’ohsllllll”?”

I have attempted to capture the sound of his name in writing, however I fear it pales to the real sound, which can be best compared to wrapping an entire third grade class in barbed wire and scraping them against the side of a large skyscraper as it’s fellated by King Kong. I can appreciate how this doesn’t translate well, however I now sadly know exactly what that sounds like.

Portion of interview ends here
Man, I can’t wait to read the rest of this one!