Excerpt from the smart, political thriller I will never write

January 4, 2010

Davis Kenny hunched intently over his computer, hacking.  All the pieces where there.  The trail of dollars, the hidden secrets, the lines to the top.  It was all connected, and it was smart.  He felt rocked, but he was never saluted first, so it wasn’t it a good way.

He continued to hack furiously away when the door opened – shit – and he quickly alt+tabbed off his current screen, which was displaying information which could stun the political world, to a harmless browser window displaying child pornography.

Shit

He settled for throwing his jacket over the monitor and turned to newcomer.  It was Monica Smalling, a molecular biologist physicist philosopher he had seen around the office from time to time.  She was as smart as she was sexy and she had a man’s confidence with woman’s hands.  She didn’t need anyone, although he suspected she harbored a deep secret (a smart one) that made her put up walls around herself.  And she had huge tits.  All this flashed through his mind in seconds, coupled with images of his dead mother.  The whole thing was confusing.

“Kennedy?”  she said surprised, walking into the office.  “What are you doing here?”
“I should ask you the same question” he responded smartly.
“Should you?”
“Yes” he moved his rook into checkmate position.
“Why though?” she responded.  “Seriously, what are you doing here?  This is my office.”

Swing and a miss. 

Thinking furiously, he grabbed the first item on the desk – a stapler – and showed it to her.   “Just needed to borrow this bad boy” he said.  “Don’t even remember I was here.  I’ll just be on my way”.
“But you were on my computer.” she protested.  “Why were you on my computer.  And why were you looking at… what was that, child por-”
He cut her off quickly “Look Monica, there’s no time.  Do you trust me?”
She looked perplexed.  “I barely know you.   And you’re in my office.  On my computer.  So no, I don’t trust you at all.”
“Listen” he said, thinking furiously “I’ve stumbled on to something.  Something big.  It’s big and it’s connected and it’s smart.”
“I’m calling security” she said, pulling out her cell phone.
“Wait!” he said.  “What if I told you a portion of what I found.  Just listen.  I’ve been doing some research.   Do you know of corporations?”
“Yes..” She paused in the act of dialing
“Right, well what if I told you that corporations… don’t always work in the best interests of the consumer!!!”
She stared at him incredulously “What are you saying?”
He dropped his bombshell “I have information here that shows corporations really just want money.  And the government is involved somehow”
The phone dropped out of her numb, lifeless fingers.  “That’s.. that’s fucked up” she whispered.
“And smart” he reminded her.  She was drawn into his web.  But would there be enough time?

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Study finds that 70% of studies reveal findings

July 6, 2009

Berkeley, California:

Is it possible that studies conducted about things reveal facts about something? That is among the questions raised by a landmark Berkeley study showing a significant correlation between studies and knowing things about other things.

Led by Dr. Francis McGarnagle, a team of 16 researchers analyzed the results of over 3000 studies from six geographically distant countries performed by a wide variety of scientists.  They discovered that in over 70% of the cases, a study will reveal findings and demonstrate proof of something.

While the latest work is at far too early a stage to demonstrate the feasibility of future studies, it does help to reveal why thinking about something, writing a hypothesis and then meticulously researching that hypothesis using repeatable processes will often result in demonstrable proof of something.  Sometimes even several things.

“Quite honestly, I’m floored.” said Dr. McGarnagle at a recent press conference.  “When we started out, we thought maybe 10, 15 percent of studies revealed stuff about things.  Nowhere in our wildest dreams did we ever think that 70% of studies would actually be effective.”

The President of the University of Berkeley was quick to commended the achievement. “For years we have performed studies with no thought to their effectiveness or purpose, but no more.  This study represents an important landmark in demonstrating the power of getting money and spending it and publishing results.  I commend our dedicated team of researchers for such a significant milestone.”

Not surprisingly, Liberals were quick to jump all over this study pointing out that just because 70% of studies advanced human knowledge, there is no reason to discount the 30% that are factually useless.

“There is no doubt that this is an important landmark study” commented White House press secretary Robert Gibbs during his daily conference.  “But let’s not lose sight of the remaining studies that are performed each year that are utterly without value.  For example, take the recent study which demonstrated that married people are more likely to gain weight or the one which showed that if you stay up late watching TV you’re likely to get less sleep.  These studies represented over $60 million dollars in grant money and are as fundamentally useless as any thing performed by any human being has a right to be.  The results are so glaringly obvious that you could conclude that the scientists had no interest in advancing human thought whatsoever.  However, without these bizarrely transparent glimpses into common sense, we would never know that young children don’t like spending significant time in intensive care

Republicans were equally quick to jump on the story.   Rush Limbaugh devoted half his show to the results, saying “Jews women bend over white supremacy Glenn Beck Obama-fascism, I don’t actually understand socialism, hate America, laughing at you loser fan base from my $20 million mansion.  Also crazy hate spew filth”

But at the end of the day, Dr. McGarnagle isn’t looking to push any agenda. 

“The last thing I set out to do was encourage less or more studies of any kind.  I simply had an idea that some studies showed things and thought, why not?  Surely someone would pay for this and then I’d have something to do for 6 years.  It’s win-win.”

“Booyah” he added.


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New details about Cheney torture plot

May 4, 2009

From Cnn:

New information has unsurfaced which could further incriminate the Bush administration in the ongoing torture investigations.  Following his promise to bring transparency and accountability to the White House, President Obama has released more classified memos which go into greater detail around Dick Cheney’s secret torture agenda and the lengths the US government went to with programs designed to secure US boarders.  Specifically, reporters have now learned about something dubbed the “Weapon X” initiative – a highly secret government training program which was executed in the early days following the 9/11 attacks. 

The Weapon X program was apparently designed to create a breed of “super soldiers” in the war against terrorism, although the specifics of how this would be accomplished was never made clear in the memo.  Indeed, even if one super solider was successfully created and killed a terrorist every single hour for one full year,  that would only eliminate 25% of the problem. 

 

Well, this all seems in order

Well, this all seems in order

Lt. William Stryker, the mastermind behind the controversial initiative, spoke at a brief press conference today:
“On the question of so-called torture, we don’t do torture.  We never have. It’s not something that this administration subscribes to.  Again, we proceeded very cautiously.  We checked. We had the Justice Department issue the requisite opinions in order to know where the bright lines were that you could not cross.  And they were very clear.  Injecting 200 pounds of superheated liquid metal of unknown origin into an already mentally unstable superhuman with the sole purpose of turning him into a indestructible killing machine is not torture.

The professionals involved in that program were very, very cautious, very careful — wouldn’t do anything without making certain it was authorized and that it was legal.  And any suggestion to the contrary is just wrong.  Did it produce the desired results?  I think it did.  And although we cannot pinpoint with any certainty the exact whereabouts of Weapon X and it’s a given that were he ever to have access to any of us, he would kill us all without remorse or pity, I still believe we made the right choice.

I think, for example, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who was the number three man in al Qaeda, the man who planned the attacks of 9/11, provided us with a wealth of information.  There was a period of time there, three or four years ago, when about half of everything we knew about al Qaeda came from that one source.  Granted, the majority of that information came from a telepath who can turn her skin into diamond, so really, that’s not one for Weapon X.  But we got what we wanted, hah?  So, it’s been a remarkably successful effort. I think the results speak for themselves. 

And I think those who allege that we’ve been involved in torture, or that somehow we violated the Constitution or laws with the Weapon X program, simply don’t know what they’re talking about.  Also, the experiments were done in Canada with a Canadian, so honestly.  Who cares?  It’s about time they got some skin in the game”

Canadian officials did not specifically comment on the program which went on right under their noses, however they did remark that it happened somewhere in the Rockies in Northern Vancouver and pointed out they have no clue what kind of shit goes on up there. 

The public remains divided on this issue with 60% supporting light to medium torture if it’s done by Kiefer Sutherland or someone who looks like Kiefer Sutherland.  45% also believe it’s fully justified if “there’s no time, damnit!” or “that’s my daughter!  Don’t tell me about protocol!”

On the question of performing painful medical experiments of suspect morality on a minority group with a .005% success rate, and no clearly articulated goals beyond “stopping all evil” 87% of Republicans are in full support.


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Texas is the new Quebec

April 24, 2009

Quebec sides with Texas

In a surprise move, Quebec Premier Jean Charest with support from federal Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe came out yesterday in support of efforts within Texas to leave the US.

At an impromptu press conference Charest said “Je suis énorme deuchebag qui veut voir mon pays détruit. J’en déteste la vie et tout. Je suis un énorme hypocrite qui veut voir toute la vie détruite. Sucez mes boules, chacun”.

We don’t know what any of that means, but we assume it translates to “Go Texas”.

Quebec has a long history of threatening to leave Canada, which has helped shape their identity as a province of whining asshats who on the one hand benefit from proportionally, more government assistance than any other province, while still affording them the freedom to chip away at the unity of Canada, one piece at a time.
Texas finds themselves in good company, although Texas Gov. Rick Perry was startled to find out that his state was now essentially the French of the US.

“Wait, what”? He said after hearing the news. “I don’t want to be French, how am I French?” before promptly throwing his ten gallon beret on the ground in disgust.

After having the obvious parallels explained to him, he shrugged and continued his battle to destroy the US.
“Listen, I love my country.” He said. “That’s why I want to see it destroyed.” Seeing no apparent contradictions in this exercise in mental gymnastics, he blithely continued “Under Barak Obama, the US is quickly turning into a socialist nation. After all, just look at the bailout package which is largely a continuation of the exact same bailout started by Bush which I had absolutely no issues with at the time. I mean, can you believe this guy”?

When it was pointed out that if Texas seceded, they would likely lose the $6 billion military industry that drives a portion of their economy and it would be a near certainty that Republicans would never again win in any US national election, he laughed and rubbed his hands together. “Oui!” he started “Uh, that is, I mean yes”.

Pressed for comment, US President Barak Obama stated “As the US looks to Canada for guidance on many aspects such as universal healthcare and a rock solid banking infrastructure, we cannot truly succeed until we have a group of Frenchmen living right within our borders. Thankfully, Texas has taken up that mantle and is now the Quebec of the US. God bless America”


Michaelle Jean’s facebook page

December 4, 2008

Today:
+ Michaelle has butterflies in her stomach..
+ Adrienne Clarkson wrote on Michaelle’s wall:
                     LOL! Good luck Jeany!
+ Jean-Daniel tagged Michaelle in 5 photos. Tagged in “Good times in Europe!”

Yesterday:
+ Michaelle joined the group “Arcane Canadian Parliamentary Nuances explained”
+ Michaelle is now friends with Stephen Harper
+ Michaelle is now friends with Stephane Dion
+ Michaelle has refused a friend request from Jack Layton
+ Elizabeth May wrote on Michaelle’s wall.
              I’m barely relevant! LOL

Dec 2
+ Michaelle wishes she was not Governor General…
+ Stephen Harper has sent Michaelle a gift! One beer!
+ Michaelle has left the group “Leave Britney alone!”
+ Jack Layton wrote on Michalle’s wall:
              Duceppe, wtf? ROTFL!

Dec 1
+ Michaelle is angry she had to cut her Europe trip short…
+ Gilles Duceppe wrote on Michaelle’s wall:
             Pourquoi avez-vous un chapeau dans votre bouche? Je veux ce qui est pire  pour tout le monde
+ Michaelle hates Canada so much right now….

Nov 30
+ Michaelle says what the f*ck is a coalition??? LOL


Obama visits Canada

December 3, 2008

<Feb 15, 2009 Int: Air Force One.  Barak Obama is discussing his trip to Canada with his Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel>

Obama: Okay, a trip to Canada.  Who are we meeting with here, who’s the guy?  Hooper?

Emanuel: Harper, but no-

Obama: Mr. Hooper?

Emanuel: No, that’s Sesame Street, the name is Steven Harper. 

Obama: Hooper.

Emanuel: Doesn’t matter.  He’s not the Prime Minister anymore.

Obama: What, really?  Didn’t I just talk to him like 3 months ago?

Emanuel: You did, but he’s since been succeeded by a coalition government consisting of his political opponents.

Obama: <pause> Come again?

Emanuel: <reading from file> 7 weeks after Harper was legally elected to a minority government, the opposition parties requested that the Governor General support and approve a “Coalition government” consisting of leadership from the Liberals, the NDP or “New Democratic Movement” and a fringe local separatist movement called “The Bloc”.  They were enraged that the 2009 economic recovery plan slashed party funding from taxpayers.

Obama: <long pause>  Not one word of that made any sense.

Emanuel: Apparently within the Canadian parliamentary system, if the opposition parties are unhappy with what the Prime Minster is doing, they can call a vote of “no confidence” and have him replaced with a Prime Minister of their own choosing.  In this case, they’ve chosen a man named “Stephan Dion” who was the recently disgraced leader of the Liberals who had lost all support within his own party and was about to be replaced in May.

Obama: Come on.

Emanuel: <reading> This is what it says.

Obama: <looking around> I appreciate this would be an enormous breach of protocol, but.. am I on Candid Camera for some reason?  Is this a joke?

Emanuel: No, it’s apparently true.  Every bizarre, incomprehensible word.

Obama: We’re still flying to Canada right?  This isn’t Mexico?

Emanuel: <shaking head> Makes no sense to me either. 

Obama:  Okay, so you said this thing is supported by a group called the “Bloc”.  Never heard of them, what are they, left?

Emanuel: They’re a political party who’s sole purpose is to ensure that Quebec can separate from Canada and become it’s own country, thereby dooming both areas to misery and destruction.

Obama: Why on Earth are they involved?

Emanuel: Well, despite only ever winning 8% of the popular vote, they represent 16% of the power in Canada, proportionally.  Because the Liberals and NDP together won’t have a majority in the parliament, they require assistance from this group to ensure their coalition stays in power until 2010.

Obama: Honestly Rahm, cut this shit.  This is serious, I have to meet with these people soon, start telling me the truth.

Emanuel: This is real!  This is what this country has done.  It’s fucked, I know, but it’s the truth.  They have installed a coalition government that no one voted for, consisting of three different political parties with no strong ideological overlap, led by a man who is disgraced within his own party, supported by a movement that wants to see Canada destroyed.

Obama: <15 minute pause.  Emanuel starts to think Obama has fallen asleep> And the Canadian people stood for this?

Emanuel: They’re Canadians!  They stand for anything.

Obama: <sitting back down>  You know, I just had a great idea.

Emanuel: Are you going –

Obama: I’m just going to snowball here –

Emanuel: I think we’re thinking the same –

Obama: Let me just throw this out –

Both: ANNEX CANADA!!  <both laughing>

Obama: Shit, I don’t even want the country, but if they’re willing to put up with this garbage, I’m pretty sure I could pull it off.

Emanuel: What are they going to do?  Throw “loonies” at you?

Obama: <still laughing> What the fuck is a Loonie?  Some kind of Canadian weapon?

<later that year, Obama is giving a speech with Stephan Dion, who looks stunned>

Obama: .. and so it is this day, July 15, 2009 that Canada finally joins the great union of these United States.  Except Quebec, because fuck them.  Our new, largest State will be called Toronto and the state governor will be that fantastic woman Elizabeth May.  I’d like to thank Stephan Dion for his hard working in making this happen, and rest assured he will have a place in my cabinet.  As my bartender!
<crowd laughs>
He’s barely qualified for that, am I right?  What a douchebag.


Congressional Address

October 10, 2008

I should be a speechwriter:

Ladies and Gentlemen, honored guests, guests, staff, new members, hello. I am here to day to speak to you. And in doing so it is my ferverent hope that you will speak to me. With gestures, with subtle
cues, speaking, moving. Always communicating. Because as we enter this brave new decade, this “new century” if you will, we are left with choices. And as choice makers, we have to decide – will we choose, or let the choosers make our choices!!! (pause to wait for hysterical applause to die down)

It’s time to talk about people. What have we been doing for the past 8 years? Talking? No, I don’t think so. I don’t “think”. That’s what we’ve not been doing, talking and thinking, thinking and thinking. What is wrong here? I don’t have all the answers my friends, what I do have is conviction. AND ANSWERS! (pound podiums)

As I look out on the audience today, I see women, and more importantly, I see men looking at women. Where does this leave us? Are women looking at men and the men looking at jobs? Who’s looking at who now? And most important, where does this leave us? Well, I’ll tell you. It leaves us at the bottom, folks. The bottom of a corporate economy that can’t climb. No. No climbing here. How do you climb with no rope? Are jobs on the rope? Wait, (clever and sudden) there is no rope!!! And
that’s what I mean, when I say, all of the things that just happened.

Folks, we need that rope back and we need jobs. I can’t get them alone or at all. Neither can you. That’s why we have to ask our families, our children, our lawyers to help us. Will they all quit without a fuss? Maybe. Will I ask them too? No. That’s why we need less money, more people, and yes!!!
(thunderous applause)

Earlier I spoke with a child. A fat, candy-eating child with no hope, and more importantly, and this is critical, never once did he need to say thank-you!! Why? Hell, he’s got the candy. He’s got the power. Remember folks, we have no rope. It’s in the hands of the kids.

Now, I want everyone to do something for me right now. Look around. Look to your left and to your right. Those people sitting beside you? The ones you might call “friends” or “political enemies”? These are the people, not you, who will use you, not people, and children will fall or rise with this democracy! That’s why they’ve got to go to jail. They’ve got to. Sure, you can say “Wait Mr. Politician, if my kids are in jail, who’s going to grow up? Will it be me?” And I say YES! (applause)

We’ll all grow up! You and me and the kids and the grandparents and all the people, but not the children!! When will this happen? I’ll tell you! When criminals are taken off the streets and put into jails with our children where everyone can grow up and no one can stop! No stopping! If you want to stop, get the hell out of this room. Get the hell out! I don’t need stoppers, what I need is people who will stop people from stopping themselves. I need self-starting-stop-stoppers! And with God as my witness, you can be that people! (tumultous applause)