Stormtrooper Orientation Guide

April 28, 2009

So you’ve decided to become a Stormtrooper. And by “decided” we mean “had no choice but” as you’re a clone with no free will. Please take a moment to read through a FAQ we’ve prepared to help you through this period.

1. Oh god. Where am I? What’s happening?
Calm down! You’re just awakening in your cloning pod. Your memories will be wiped shortly and you will become a souless automaton serving in the Empires army as a Stormtrooper.

2. Stormtrooper eh?  When do I get paid?
You’re clones. You’re basically slaves. You don’t get paid.

3. Okay fine.  I am a part-time employee. When do I get paid?
There is no such thing as a part-time Stormtrooper.  You are a clone-slave.  You don’t get paid.  Ever.

4. Who can I call if I have questions regarding my benefits, my pay, or need an interpretation of workplace policies or procedures?
You have no benefits or pay.  You’re a cloneslave.  Any misinterpretations in workplace policies will result in immediate force-strangulation*

*If there is no manager available with knowledge of the force you will be pushed from an airlock.  It’s just best not question any policies.

5. What did you do to me?
Nothing.  Almost nothing.  You’re a clone created from your own DNA.  Every second of your existence is a horrible, mute reminder of the dead-eyed puppet you’ve become and must be constantly surrounded by.  Every friendship or relationship with your fellow stormtroopers will be tainted by the fact that you all look alike and will be tempted to masturbate together.  This is frowned on.

6. God.  GOD!  Why would you do this?  How does this even make us an effective fighting unit?
We’re the Empire, we’re totally evil.

7. Am I eligible to participate in 401 (k) and, if so, how do I enroll?
You are eligible to participate immediately.  You become eligible for company matching contributions beginning the first of the month after 12 months of service with at least 1000 hours worked during that period and at least 4 (four) confirmed Rebel kills.  You have the option to enroll via the telephone voice response unit or the Website

8. How does The Empire support Stormtroopers who contribute in their community?
Well.. mostly we don’t.  We’re kind of a repressive regime, you know?  Most other stormtroopers contribute to the community by not shooting people directly in the face.

9. Speaking of shooting people in the face, when will I go through marksmanship training?
Never, as you are expected to have genetically inherited the marksmanship skill from yourself, although it should be mentioned that you barely were able to hit anything successfully. Any off-hours training will have to come from your own pocket.

10. With the money I don’t have because you refuse to pay me.
Correct.

11. When are my benefits effective?
(sigh) You have no benefits (see #4)

12. Does my armor actually protect me from laser fire?
No.  No, it doesn’t.  It actually doesn’t protect you from anything, including sticks thrown by 3-foot teddy bears.

13. Then why wear it?
We paid for like 30 billion up front from those stupid cloning fish fucks so we’re more or less obligated to use them.

14. When will I receive my Benefit Enrollment packet to select the benefit plans I wish to participate in? How do I enroll in benefits?
You are automatically ineligible for benefits because you’re a fucking clone.  How are you not getting this?  You.  Have.  No.  Benefits.  Fuck.  We’re not paying benefits to what is essentially a glorified meat shield.  You could be replaced by a burlap sack filled with ham with a rifle attached to it.  There are no fucking benefits.

15. Am I eligible for Tuition Reimbursement?
Potentially, yes.  Discuss with your manager whether you are eligible under the Tuition Reimbursement Program and if he or she will support your application.

16. How long do I have to stay in my current position to be eligible to apply for new job opportunities within the Empire?
A minimum of 12 months with a satisfactory job performance review.  There are several opportunities for advancement, be it snow storm trooper, or giant red special gay Stormtrooper that protects the Emperor

17. So that’s it then?  I’m a fucking clone with no rights who is just there to absorb laser fire?
Yes, pretty much.

18. So when can I apply for benefits?
We’re all done here.

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