Lost… again

February 12, 2010

If my life was filled with people who acted like they do on Lost.

(I wake up for work, have a shower and get in my car. On the way, I notice I need gas, so I stop. I get out, fill up the car and go inside to pay)

Me: Here, $35

Gas Attendant: Is that really all you have to offer?

Me: What?

Gas Attendant: You resist the things you can’t change. Yet you look to the future.

Me: Umm… I was pump five? (points)

Gas Attendant: If I were to take your money, would you be satisfied?

Me: I have money. Take it. Here. (long pause) It’s for gas.

Gas Attendant: Would you like a car wash with that?

(Later that day, I am booked for a meeting with the subject line “Talk”. I walk over to Dave’s desk as he booked the meeting)

Me: Hey, that meeting you booked me for, what’s it about?

Dave: We need to have a discussion with you.

Me: Check.  But what about?  Because I have these reports I really need to get out, so –

Dave: I need you to do this for me.

Me: Right, but do what?

Dave: This.

Me: What is this?

Dave: (unnecessarily mysterious) It’s a document.

Me: I can see it’s a document, that doesn’t answer anything.  What is it.

Dave: It’s the very hope for the future (music swells in the background)

Me: What the fuck? Why can I hear music? What does that even mean?

Dave: All can be contained within.

Me: Jesus Dave.   It’s every day with you isn’t it.  How were you even hired?

Dave: The same way you were.

Me: What, Khattar from HR?  He hired you?

Dave: You know exactly what I mean.

Me: No I fucking don’t.
(For some reason Dave walks away as if that would be the end of the conversation. I swear under my breath)

(Later that day, I call my wife )
Me: Yeah, I’m going to the grocery store after work to get the stuff on your list

Brady: It is important.

Me: Right, but I can’t read your handwriting.  What’s the list say?

Brady: It says… that we must make dinner.

Me: No.  No, I don’t need to know the thematic summation of the list, I get that.  I inherently get that.  I need to know, literally, what the list says.

Brady: It says dinner is in danger.


Brady: We all have choices.

(I smash the phone into a million pieces)

(After work I go to see my doctor about my heartburn)

Me: I have heartburn

Dr: Take this.

Me: What is it?

Dr: It will fix your heartburn

Me: Right.  What is it though?

Dr: You must trust.

Me: I mustn’t.  I mustn’t just trust.  That’s disingenuous and frighteningly disturbing if that’s the way you prescribe medicine to your patients.

Dr: Take it.  It must come from you.

Me: Damn it!  What’s in the pill??

Dr: Viagra.

Me: !!!  How does that cure heartburn? How are those things related? Why are you even my Doctor?

Dr: If you don’t take the pill, your heartburn will grow worse.

Me: How do you even know that?

Dr: The same thing happened…. to your sister!!!

Me: My sister has heartburn?  And you fixed that with Viagra?  I very much doubt that.  And isn’t this a violation of some kind of patient / client confi-

Dr: Time’s up!


I don’t know how I feel about this

September 17, 2009

Inasmuch as I don’t have a “style” on this blog, I typically don’t break the third wall.  Is it the fourth wall?  I write articles with no personal voice and I don’t break a wall.  Please let me know which wall it is.  Nonetheless, whatever thing it is I don’t break, I’m going to break now.

I want to talk about Glee.

Like everyone else, I have agreed that Glee is the best new show on TV.  Oh sure, there are some people who don’t agree.  Typically, these people are convicted rapists and people who wish to rape.  Rapists are a contrarian lot who don’t care for the magic of show tunes.  This is why they feel compelled to rape and not like Glee.  Bastards, the whole lot of them.

Like all of you, I watched the season premiere of Glee and was not initially impressed.  First there was the one-dimensional characters, some of whom only existed to advance the paper-thin plot.  Then the deus ex machina’s at every turn.  Truly horrible, horrible writing.  But then.. the songs.  Can I love a show on the strength of cover tunes alone?   God help me, it turns out I can.

The premiere episode came together with the cover of “don’t stop believing” by Journey.  As it turns out, you could release any TV show pilot you wanted to, and if the first episode featured a cover of “dont’ stop believing” I would probably hooked for another 40 or so episodes.  Such is the power of that song.   I’ve sat through five horrendous seasons of Lost just on the off chance Kate would take off her shirt.  Imagine if after the first monster attack Charlie ripped it up with Don’t Stop Believing?  I wouldn’t even need a Kate.

So imagine my horror when I found out that the fantastically arranged cover they did of this classic song was ripped off from a fucking mini-pops CD.  Not the song itself obviously, but the harmonies, the way the song was put together, everything.  Is someone getting sued for this?  Do the minipops have lawyers or all they all just orphans?

I don’t know how to feel.

You might be asking yourself – why was I listening to the minipops in the first place?  Honestly, that’s not something I want to get into.  Let’s just allow that there was a compelling reason for me to download 22 different covers of “Don’t Stop Believing” and listen to them all in one night.  The important thing to remember here is that Glee 100% ripped off minipops.  For some reason.

Minipops version (click play) (it’s song 18.)  It was released like 19 months before Glee. 

Glee ripped off version

Long story short – I’m not sure I can watch Glee anymore. 


I’ve explained this situation to my wife – “GA!  Glee ripped off Minipops!  FUCK!”.   I may have mentioned the government somewhere in there.

Terrifyingly, she doesn’t see the big deal.  She doesn’t even know why I bother taking to her.  I think I may also have to quit my marriage.  I can’t explain why this is a big deal.  You are either a type of person who understands why this ruins the show or you are my wife.  Please pick sides.

Update 2

According to Amazon, the Minipops CD wasn’t released until Sept 1, 2009, meaning the Glee version came first.  BUT!  They don’t just write these things the day before they release, they plan first.  This means that both versions probably were conceived at very close to the same time.  On the other hand, how long does it take to record a Minipops CD?  40 minutes?  I will continue to do research.